About the "How are you?" question

Yes it can be a loathsome question, often this is how my manager greets me and it is said in such a fast way as to be almost aggressive, I am usually just taking my coat off and often I have to say pardon or sorry I didn't catch that and with some irritation the question is repeated (I feel like there is an element of impatience and that in fact how are you is a bit like a teacher asking the class to settle down and get on with the day and remember I am the one in charge here - you are a potential problem and I am humouring you)

My response is usually "not too bad" and I like to then comment on the weather by which time my manager will have disengaged completely feeling he has fulfilled some social niceity and yet the exchange always leaves me feeling like I want to nave a good shake like a dog, like I need to shake off the weight of or the pressure or the spotlight of the moment in our very silent office.

I think it would be even worse if he genuinely wanted a proper response on the odd occasion when I have given a more lengthy reply I feel like I am revealing too much of myself and like it is being stolen away and filed for future use or discarded, of no value whatsoever.

He might be upset to think his innocent enquiry could create such stress but I would prefer a simple hello and maybe a slight pause and openness of attitude.

Just my thoughts - sorry I went on a bit

Have you told him you would prefer a simple hello and maybe a slight pause and openness of attitude NAS37350? I’m sure he would feel much better as well if he were to do that. I’m sure he senses the awkwardness as well and most likely doesn’t know what else to do as this is a very common form of greeting amongst nt’s, they all seem to be ok with it and know the rules. I’m not saying you’re going to become best friends or anything but I’m sure you would both feel better if you were to tell him how much it bothers you and would he mind keeping it to a simple hello with him pausing a while to give you space to share something if you would like to. You could simply tell him that when you feel pressured to say something you often say more than you would like because some days, you don’t really have much you want to say and you would do better if you could keep the morning greeting to a simple hello. I’m sure he would appreciate you letting him know. In my experience, when I tell people what I need or don’t need, even if they don’t ‘understand’, they’re always accommodating and if they get upset by what I say, I’m not responsible for that, but if you communicate openly  and genuinely with people, they generally cooperate. I don’t have it open for discussion as a way of an argument or criticism or whatever, I don’t justify myself, I just ask kindly that they communicate with me in a way that I can more easily process and deal with. You wouldn’t be asking for much, it’s not unreasonable. 

It does not work. I've tried that, not with the person that complained to my boss about me not telling her that I'm fine when I wasn't, but with two really friendly people. I told them independently that I find this question very difficult to answer (or rather not to answer) and it would be much easier if they just said hello. Both had noticed the awkwardness before. Guess what happened when I met them after this? Y' a'right? They didn't manage to divert from this a single time. They also didn't do their usual thing and then go like "oops, sorry, forgot about it" or something similar. It must be because I'm too rigid to divert from my habits...

I think they don't even realise what they say. When you didn't understand it (which happens all the time when you aren't British and aren't necessarily expecting it, interesting to see that #37350 has experienced exactly the same) and you ask and they have to repeat it then that's where they start to think about it, and it's bloody annoying to repeat it because they suddenly realise that it's a complete waste of time, that they didn't actually mean to ask anything.

It does not work. I've tried that, not with the person that complained to my boss about me not telling her that I'm fine when I wasn't, but with two really friendly people. I told them independently that I find this question very difficult to answer (or rather not to answer) and it would be much easier if they just said hello. Both had noticed the awkwardness before. Guess what happened when I met them after this? Y' a'right? They didn't manage to divert from this a single time. They also didn't do their usual thing and then go like "oops, sorry, forgot about it" or something similar. It must be because I'm too rigid to divert from my habits...

I think they don't even realise what they say. When you didn't understand it (which happens all the time when you aren't British and aren't necessarily expecting it, interesting to see that #37350 has experienced exactly the same) and you ask and they have to repeat it then that's where they start to think about it, and it's bloody annoying to repeat it because they suddenly realise that it's a complete waste of time, that they didn't actually mean to ask anything.

Greetings, because I have posted before, I post again as I keep seeing this Thread renewing...

I post support to Oktanol, there, with repect to BlueRay.

Especially:

oktanol said:

I think they don't even realise what they say.

...To most persons, it is like a Wave or a Nod or a Smile.. It is exactly just a greeting, as some may throw "Yo! Wassap?", or "Warm Night?"... it is "built into" them, and so requires much conscious thought in order to change that kind of Wave/Nod/Smile...

For myself, aside from the Link I posted, I simply say nothing. And/or carry on with whatever I am there for. And, yes, it depends upon the situation or the person. But it is largely used as little more than an acknowledgement.

You could write it in an email to your boss (and ask him to circulate it) don’t give an explanation, i.e. I find this question difficult to answer, simply set out what you do want, for example,    I request that I be greeted with a simple hello by all members of staff. Don’t accept anything less. This is your life and you have a right to be treated in a way that enhances as opposed to depletes your energy etc. Don’t give in. I have to be told many many times a person’s name before I remember it, sometimes people have to be told repeatedly what we want before they get it, that’s why I like to keep things simple, so they’re easier to stick to. There’s always a solution to every problem or obstacle, sometimes it’s a matter of trial and error before we find them. 

So... probably not worth playing them the Suzanne Vega song about domestic violence, either: 'Just don't ask me how I am'... sorry, attempted joke.

Still might be worth trying to explain... 'that question makes me uncomfortable and I never know how to answer. There's a lot that's wrong, but I'm trying to deal with it..., I can't give a proper account of myself and don't think you'd understand or be interested and don't want to be reminded of that, just get on with it'  How about 'can I talk to you?'  Or write it down on a piece of paper.

Oddly, I've been asking autistic people the question, and haven't checked whether it's OK with them. When there are people present ho haven't said anything, and you know they're unlikely to interrupt more talkative people, I want the situation to feel more equal and inclusive. Can that become patronising? Is a better way to do it, 'what do you think?'... but then they may want to talk about something completely different. 'is there something you'd like to say?', but that could sound aggressive.

I'm sure there are solutions, free of typical norms, I'm just not sure what they are.