Published on 12, July, 2020
'Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilise the target and delegitimise the target's belief.'
As Aspies, I'm sure we're particularly prone to this. I know I am. My experience, too - with a sister-in-law who's a consummate narcissist - has caused me much grief and upset over the last 30 years. These were years when I not only didn't know that I was autistic, but I also didn't really know what her motivations were. I've found out so much more about it all since my diagnosis, and through having someone else who knows her tell me that she isn't just like it with me. For most of those years, I simply thought there was something wrong with me - and she was the one who, more than most, was at pains to keep reminding me. The damage this woman has done - not just to me, but to other members of my close family - is profound. Much of it is irreparable. But at least now I no longer have any reason to have any contact with her - notwithstanding the fact that she's married to my brother. I'm well rid of her. She's controlled and manipulated our family for far too long. My brother is her puppet. And so competent a puppeteer is she that he doesn't even realise he has strings! He's well and truly Stockholmed!
For years, I've been told I'm gullible, susceptible, credulous, naive, etc. I've had my leg pulled time after time, and been the butt-end of jokes. I've been taken for a ride, scammed, made to look ridiculous. But I take people at face value. If they tell me something, I tend to believe them. Why wouldn't I? Why would they lie to me? But people have, and do. It's why I detest gossip and won't have any part of it, because all it really is is manipulation and destabilisation, perpetuated by a group. Victimising the vulnerable. And it gives people a sense of 'belonging' to be onside in the gossip. If you're not happy with the way someone's behaving or performing - tell them! But no. Gossip is easier... and it's more fun. Huh!
Anyone else got any 'gaslight' tales to share?
They've confirmed that I've used up my entitlement. And work have told me that they won't let me return until they're convinced that I'm fit enough to go back. Even if the doctor signs me back, I don't even know if I'll be fit enough.
So I'll be down several hundred pounds in pay in January. And I can't apply for UC as I'm getting Working Tax Credit. It's crazy.
Great! Now I'm in a dispute with HR. They're claiming that I've exhausted my entitlement to full pay. By my reckoning, I'm still entitled to 22.5 hours. Half pay will leave me seriously short in January. So I guess it's UC. It never rains but it pours.
Feeling really low today. If it wasn't for this f***ing woman f***ing everything up.
The rep's just rung me. She was very understanding, and listened to what I had to say. She said that as far as she's aware, based on the information she has, there is no legal requirement for an employer to pay me disability-related sick pay, even if they accept that the sickness is disability-related. She asked me what it says in my contract, and it only mentions general sick pay and how long it's paid for. I'd need to check with HR if there are any special conditions or circumstances.
She's also suggested that I have a meeting with my manager (and a senior manager, if required) to tell them precisely how this issue is affecting me and what I need in order for it to be satisfactorily resolved in terms of reasonable adjustments. I can only ask that I have no contact with this person. If they suggest mediation, which I'm sure they will, then it'll open up a whole new can of worms. She'll play the game that she wasn't even aware that there was an issue, so what is there to mediate? Then, too, she'll know I'm on the run. If they insist, then I don't know what I'll do. Go back to the rep, then to ACAS. I don't want to get into a protracted thing with them. I just want to return to work and do my job - which I can only do if we are always working apart.
That is really good, it makes it clear the absence is disability-related
My GP is giving me a certificate stating 'Work-related stress, related to Autistic Spectrum Condition.' I'll wait to hear from the Union, then see what our HR department has to say.
That is really encouraging. I am so glad you are getting some advice and support from them.
Actually spoke to a very sympathetic and understanding woman who took my details. She's going to get a rep to call me back sometime today.
I'll try ACAS if necessary.
That's a shame - I got passed back to a different local branch by Unison Direct when my branch was closed on a Friday. The out of office message said to contact Unison Direct if urgent advice was needed but they said they don't give advice just route people back to local branches. It is all very confusing and unhelpful...
What we really need Is a Trade Union specifically for autistic people, run by autistic people.
As an alternative to Union advice you could contact ACAS and/or Access to Work, but I would try and get some rest first.
Unison National Office have told me to contact my branch. I said I didn't find them very helpful... and she said 'Then you need to take that up with them.' Huh!
The college job is a good fit - except for the longer hours, days and the stressful traveling. It'll mean hitting a difficult city centre at peak time. It takes around 20 minutes to get there... then it's usually 20 minutes of stop-start traffic to travel around a mile... then at least 15 minutes walk.
More than anything you probably need to rest
I wonder what autism training Union reps have had and if it was delivered by autistic people?
My psychologist encouraged me to focus on jobs that are a good fit and not to apply for roles that won't suit me. My interview earlier this week demonstrated it is not sensible to pretend everything is ok when it is not. The energy I spent was wasted and it knocked my self confidence. On the plus side I got to find out the shift pattern would not have suited me so I won't be wondering "What if..."
I'm not going to go with this college vacancy. I'm going to pull out of the interview. I can't face anything else right now.
My rep seemed quite cantankerous. She kept interrupting me before I'd got a chance to properly explain any points, which just made me more flustered. In the end, I almost put the phone down on her. She refused to accept my argument about why formal complaints/mediation wouldn't work. "If you don't want to take those routes, then you're better off just leaving the job."
I'm going to ring the national office first and insist on speaking to someone who has experience with ASC and this type of situation.
Incidentally going to interviews while off sick was something else I discussed with my Union rep - worth checking with yours to see what they say.
If your local contact is not helpful talk to the national office - with autism it is important to have someone with appropriate expertise and insight into autistic communication issues when under extreme stress.
I managed to p**** off my Unison rep when I objected to an admin sssistant falsely claiming I had told her she was being unhelpful. I actually said "I am getting upset now so I am going to pass you over to my husband". My husband spoke to the Union rep and confirmed this was exactly what I had said, but since then my emails have gone unanswered.
At my last Absence Management Interview the Union rep was 35 minutes late. I had to phone the office to ask where she was. We had met earlier that week to prepare for the meeting. I tried to confirm the time and day with her then but she just said "I never look ahead in my diary I just go wherever it tells me to on the day". I found this quite extraordinary!
To be fair I know they are under extreme pressure and my case is probably considered to be on hold while we wait for the full ASD report to arrive. I still find it hard when someone's emails say "I will keep you updated" and then they don't!
Thanks. This is useful info. Maybe the Union could actually be helpful this time, instead of basically telling me to leave my job.
https://www.ecu.ac.uk/guidance-resources/employment-and-careers/terms-conditions/managing-disability-leave-disability-related-sickness/ Definitely worth getting advice from your Trade Union
I'll have to check that, because basically all of my sick leave so far has been for the same reason.