Yes, I experience it a lot, which makes it more difficult to go out. 

I thought it sounded familiar.  I used to have an audio version of the Tao, read by Nigel Hawthorne.  I've just ordered a paperback copy.  Thanks for the heads up on that, Cloudy Mountains.

Sunflower said:

Margaret Atwood The Penelopiad: ‘…water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.’

So Margaret Atwood reads the Tao. Cool! An amalgamation of verses chapter 8, and 78. It's well put together.

My problem with that was it was my old manager, thankfully I managed to get out before she managed to get rid of me

This guy is absolutely spot on...

What to do when you unmask a covert narcissist.

Well, I spoke to my manager and the behaviour manager yesterday and they're both much clearer on what caused my panic attack last week - leading to more sick leave.  My manager has said she will certainly ensure that I don't have to work in proximity to this woman again, and that I can speak up any time if I'm not happy about anything.  So, that's good.

Yesterday, too, I got notification of an interview for the PMLD job at the local FE college.  That's on Monday next - two days before my sick note expires.  If I get offered it this time, I'm going to take it - longer days or not.  I'll never feel entirely comfortable in my current place any more, and I don't see missing another good opportunity again.

The question now is.... Do I just continue getting sick notes and staying off until they get rid of me, and keep applying for other jobs in the meantime?  Or do I go back next week and carry on?  It'll be a short week, anyway - as will the one after, and the one after that.  I don't like being 'sick' when I feel capable of doing my job.  Just as long as they stick to their word.  They're also offering Occupational Health visits, which could help.

I think I may just email my manager today saying I'll return as normal. I know I said at the weekend that I'd made the decision not to go back and claim UC, but I think I'll be in a stronger position to search for other work and take something else if I'm actually back at work.  I know employers aren't supposed to discriminate, but if they ask why you left your last job and you say 'health grounds', I don't think it goes down too well.  Better to be 'in work' at the time.   I think that's probably the best way forwards.

Yes.  Thanks for that.  It's a very useful website.

I can recognise some of the bad habits.  But I don't want retribution or justice.  I just want to be away from there now, and to get on with my life.  And yes - I can, in many ways, feel sorry for this woman.  And that takes me some way towards forgiving.  Not forgetting, of course.  But forgiving.

I can't really call it 'bullying'.  All I have is a set of incidents that either seem trivial or that cannot be proven.  The unfriending and blocking thing started it off.  Most people would dismiss this.  Ignore it.  'Be like that!  I don't care!'  But it deeply upset and disturbed me because it seemed so extreme, and I couldn't understand what it was all about (apart from the fact that she disagreed with some of the things I posted on my page, which she could have just ignored - as everyone else seemed to).  Then the little criticisms over trivial stuff at work.  Then the incident when she provoked a situation that led to a reprimand for me.  I can't prove that.  Things then settled afterwards and seemed okay.  But then came the car scratching.  I can't prove that, either.  But that was the point of escalation.  Once that was in my head, I not only didn't want to work with the woman, I found it difficult even seeing her.

You can see how this all adds up to very little in their eyes.  How does it constitute 'bullying'?  It's something I'm largely putting interpretations onto.  It's a figment of my imagination.

There's a small, local company that specialises in hygiene and sanitation products and delivery.  It's long-established and family run, and I like the work they do and their commitment to environmental standards.  They prefer staff to walk to work if possible - and it's less than a mile away from me. They sound almost obsessional with their recycling!  They haven't advertised any Service Operative vacancies, but said they're always open to hearing from likely candidates.  So... I'm going to go in there tomorrow with my CV. 

I'm trying to focus on all the positives.  The negatives - damage to health and reputation, loss of income, loss of confidence - are all real enough.  But I have to let go of the weight of them.  Otherwise they will bury me: figuratively, and eventually literally.

This is the best thing I have read on recovery from workplace bullying and it includes advice about moving on into a different job: 

bullyonline.org/.../9-recovery-from-workplace-bullying

I'm the same, Robert.  I don't regret turning down that other job.  When I added up the pros and cons of it, I felt better (at the time) staying put and working with the situation.  That was before it started to worsen, though.  I didn't expect some of the things that have happened since.

This new job offers more money because of the slightly longer hours (35 per week) - so it was probably worth waiting.  The inconveniences of it pale in comparison to the current situation.

My experience of life is that I regret later things that I haven't done, rather than  what I did do.

So I would take a new job if one was offered.

I was offered this job at the college once before, in August.  I turned it down then, but they went ahead with the DBS application.  It's odd, isn't it, that that DBS finally came through a couple of weeks ago.  It had taken almost 3 months.  So... I have that in my favour.  A current DBS, which they won't have to apply for.  It'll just be down to references if I get a job offer.

Thanks.  I'm not sure if it is part of the reference process.  I know when I had an interview last time, I wasn't asked about sickness absence.  They often ask at interviews.  And they can take an open-minded view of it.  I took my first job in care on the back of being off sick from my previous job for a whole year.  Their response was 'We all get these difficulties in our lives.'  Complete understanding.  I was in that job for three years without a single sick day.

I've been unlucky in work.  But in other ways, I've always been able to get a job at a time when I've most needed it.

It is a good idea to explore the other job option. In terms of sickness absence you can make a strong case for that being disability related and  context specific. The demands and environment of your current role are what led to your absence. As you would be working in a different setting you can emphasise that no inferences should be made about your future attendance.

Yes.  And this is what I struggle to get across to the people in my workplace.  Even the behaviour manager,  who really should know better.  Telling me 'You're not alone in experiencing workplace bullying.  It's quite normal.'  Yes, well I'm not quite normal (at least, not in her definition).  I'm neurodiverse.  I'm sure they think I'm over-reacting.  They just don't understand.  I sent her that paper on autism, trauma and PTSD.  I wonder if it'll do any good.

After yesterday's feelings of positivity, I awoke today with that sense of doom writ large.  I feel they're now going to insist that I go through mediation.  It won't work.  I know it won't.

I've got this interview for the college job coming up.  It isn't perfect for reasons already stated, but it's a life-line I'm going to grasp if I'm offered it.  It's a client group I particularly like - PMLD.

I just hope they don't ask for notification of sick leave if they take up a reference.  23 days so far in the last year.  All stress-related.

I've just seen an interesting Tweet by @soundcube 

"Why are autistic people often so scared?

Because we’re so good at pattern recognition & we’ve been abused many times

We can read the signs

We can see it coming

We can predict it even when others can’t

We’re not doom merchants or fatalist we just read the NT runes of hurt"

Sadly it seems to be our fate to be more knowledgable about our condition than most of the 'experts', and yet struggle to be believed! 

Probably autism means that you can oversee thought processes that NT people just have on a subconscious level... keep an open mind... management just wants to get the work done at the lowest price possible... if they can get you so crazy to work through the weekends, they will praise you, they will shame you, they will do whatever it takes... but they will also respect a nope from you... 

Thanks.  It accords with what I understand now about autism and trauma, and the lower threshold we have for PTSD.  I think part of the issue I'm having with managers at work - including our Behavioural Support Team - is that I simply cannot get them to grasp this.  Even the most knowledgeable of them has a tendency to 'normalise' what's going on, and see it solely in terms of a neurotypical response.  I'm sure they think I'm some kind of sap - a big guy, felled by a comment that most people would ignore.

One of the worst bullies I ever worked with - a real shouty, foot-stamping harridan - caused me such trauma that I was off work for three months before leaving the job - which she had helped me to get.  Maybe she saw a ripe target.  This was 20 years ago.  A little while after I left, she fell pregnant.  When she had the baby, she left the job and moved away with her husband. 

Four years ago, I accidentally saw - online - her face, fronting an anti-bullying campaign she had set up.  She was prompted because her 16-year-old son (the child she'd been pregnant with) had committed suicide because he was being bullied at school.

Strange and tragic how these things go.

Worth reading this on PTSD and bullying bullyonline.org/.../11-post-traumatic-stress-disorder