Published on 12, July, 2020
'Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilise the target and delegitimise the target's belief.'
As Aspies, I'm sure we're particularly prone to this. I know I am. My experience, too - with a sister-in-law who's a consummate narcissist - has caused me much grief and upset over the last 30 years. These were years when I not only didn't know that I was autistic, but I also didn't really know what her motivations were. I've found out so much more about it all since my diagnosis, and through having someone else who knows her tell me that she isn't just like it with me. For most of those years, I simply thought there was something wrong with me - and she was the one who, more than most, was at pains to keep reminding me. The damage this woman has done - not just to me, but to other members of my close family - is profound. Much of it is irreparable. But at least now I no longer have any reason to have any contact with her - notwithstanding the fact that she's married to my brother. I'm well rid of her. She's controlled and manipulated our family for far too long. My brother is her puppet. And so competent a puppeteer is she that he doesn't even realise he has strings! He's well and truly Stockholmed!
For years, I've been told I'm gullible, susceptible, credulous, naive, etc. I've had my leg pulled time after time, and been the butt-end of jokes. I've been taken for a ride, scammed, made to look ridiculous. But I take people at face value. If they tell me something, I tend to believe them. Why wouldn't I? Why would they lie to me? But people have, and do. It's why I detest gossip and won't have any part of it, because all it really is is manipulation and destabilisation, perpetuated by a group. Victimising the vulnerable. And it gives people a sense of 'belonging' to be onside in the gossip. If you're not happy with the way someone's behaving or performing - tell them! But no. Gossip is easier... and it's more fun. Huh!
Anyone else got any 'gaslight' tales to share?
Okay... I've decided on my way forwards.
I'm signed off for two weeks. I'm on half-pay for that period. If I get signed off for longer, my half-pay will only last a month. After that, I will get nothing.
I cannot return to work now until I've had a formal interview to satisfy them that I'm fit to return. Unless I lie at that interview - with the risks I then run of further problems very quickly - I cannot see myself being able to return in the short-term. And I cannot lie, anyway. I know my health is on the edge.
Last night I was panicking. I went to bed not wanting to wake up.
This morning, I woke feeling desperate.
And then the truth came to me. I simply cannot return to that place. There are too many risks.
Once I had accepted that, I felt better. Like I had a way forwards.
On Monday, I'll go to the CAB and get a claim for Universal Credit in motion.
Then I'll just continue getting signed off until they let me go. Either that or, if they really want to keep me on, wait until they can relocate me.
What a choice to have to make. But I'm torn between two bad options.
And as it stands, work is killing me. If I go back to that place, sooner or later my health will fail entirely.
I've tried to follow this thread and its background spread across the other threads.
Please forgive me if I'm getting this all wrong.
Am I right that you are going to basically implode your life, your job, risk losing your home, the cat and everything else all over the possibility that you might see some woman in a place that you only spend a few hours in when you're there doing stuff with other people that are ok or you have fewer problems with?
I apologise if I'm summing this up all wrong, but it seems that there's something else going on and you are making this obsession over this woman the excuse for this self destruction.
Please feel free to shoot me down if I'm way off the mark.
I think you underestimate the human factor in this, Plastic. I cannot help the way I am any more than you can help the way you are - or anybody can help the way they are.
I risk my life around such people. Even the support I get from other staff and colleagues at work doesn't outweigh the fear and dread I feel every morning. The same fear and dread that has haunted me throughout my life in other such situations. It's been a slow, but steady chipping away at me over the years. Over fifty years, in fact. Each time it happens, it isn't just a repeat run. It's a worsening. And this is the worst it's been. The only way I can stop it - and the obsession - is to not go back to it. I'm good at masking, as many of us are. But I cannot put on a good enough show to convince people at a return-to-work interview that I am fit to return to work. I have to be completely honest with myself. I had two weeks off a couple of months ago. I returned feeling fresher. Now I'm at this stage. This will only go on. Next time could be the last.
I realise the precariousness of the benefits system. I've been through it before. I was once off work for two years, on ESA. It's not ideal by any means. But I live cheaply enough as it is. I'll survive on it. Until I can find something else. And I will, I know - because I always have before.
That, to me, sounds like hope. Something I haven't had for a while.
Hold on to hope Martian Tom