Published on 12, July, 2020
'Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilise the target and delegitimise the target's belief.'
As Aspies, I'm sure we're particularly prone to this. I know I am. My experience, too - with a sister-in-law who's a consummate narcissist - has caused me much grief and upset over the last 30 years. These were years when I not only didn't know that I was autistic, but I also didn't really know what her motivations were. I've found out so much more about it all since my diagnosis, and through having someone else who knows her tell me that she isn't just like it with me. For most of those years, I simply thought there was something wrong with me - and she was the one who, more than most, was at pains to keep reminding me. The damage this woman has done - not just to me, but to other members of my close family - is profound. Much of it is irreparable. But at least now I no longer have any reason to have any contact with her - notwithstanding the fact that she's married to my brother. I'm well rid of her. She's controlled and manipulated our family for far too long. My brother is her puppet. And so competent a puppeteer is she that he doesn't even realise he has strings! He's well and truly Stockholmed!
For years, I've been told I'm gullible, susceptible, credulous, naive, etc. I've had my leg pulled time after time, and been the butt-end of jokes. I've been taken for a ride, scammed, made to look ridiculous. But I take people at face value. If they tell me something, I tend to believe them. Why wouldn't I? Why would they lie to me? But people have, and do. It's why I detest gossip and won't have any part of it, because all it really is is manipulation and destabilisation, perpetuated by a group. Victimising the vulnerable. And it gives people a sense of 'belonging' to be onside in the gossip. If you're not happy with the way someone's behaving or performing - tell them! But no. Gossip is easier... and it's more fun. Huh!
Anyone else got any 'gaslight' tales to share?
Yes I have experienced this a lot in my life Tom.
I recall the first time I was conned at work when I was only maybe 20 years old. Someone I considered a friend persuaded a female working in the same organisation to pretend to be interested in meeting me for lunch in a local pub. It was a joke and of course I sat in the pub for half an hour and nobody showed up. When I returned to work he was all smiles and eventually confessed to the con. I have never forgotten the humiliation I felt and it affected my confidence significantly for many years.
I have experienced people approach me and tell me lies (gossip) to see if I would fall for the con and then be humiliated when the subject of the gossip was told I had believed the lie and came face to face with me to make it clear they knew what I had falsely believed.
Another incident occurred after I ended a relationship with a woman who persuaded me to go over for dinner and stay the night "for one last time" I declined but she was so persistent I eventually gave in. A few weeks later she called to tell me she was pregnant.
I believed her at the time but now realise it was in fact a lie to hurt me for ending our relationship.
One of the reasons I shy away from trying to socialise to this day.
Take care, Laddie.
Me too. Even at work, with people I feel reasonably confident around, I'm still wary. One woman in particular, who seems to like me and accept me for who I am, is quite a vindictive gossip. If she's got the knives out for someone, they go in. She took an instant dislike to another chap who started at the same time as I did. Yes, he was arrogant and a bit bullying in his manner - but I could get along with him. I thought he needed to grow up, and maybe ought to have the chance to. She whipped up all sorts of stuff against him, though. Eventually, last week, he was sacked. I'll admit I don't miss him - but I'm now much more wary around her.
Last week, our new manager got us together in a group and told us all - making it quite clear that 'this doesn't apply to most of you' - that we shouldn't be using mobile phones whilst working with clients. Fair enough - and I'm glad she said it and got it out in the open. It's been a bone of contention with me ever since I started there. And I certainly didn't feel it was directed at me, because I never use my phone at work.
Afterwards, I spoke to this colleague about it - and she was indignant. 'I don't think she should have generalised like that.' I pointed out that she actually hadn't generalised. She'd told all of us so that everyone knew, and she'd done it in a way that wasn't pointing a finger. 'No," she insisted. 'She did it wrong. She should just call people in the office individually and tell them - not generalise it and accuse everyone.'
I decided not to pursue it. If I'd been the manager, I'd have done the same. My colleague's now got a 'thing' about the manager - who really is a decent person and good at her job - so I wonder how long it will be before negativity will be building up against her. And how long before I start getting regarded as some sort of toady.
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Good heavens! I wrote this post in January, when I was starting to have suspicions about the woman at work. How prescient was that? Little did I know then what was to come.
The car-scratching is just the latest thing in her campaign to get me to begin to doubt my own sanity - which I am. She knows I can't prove anything. Likewise with the passive-aggressive comments - all done out of earshot of others.
This article suggests confronting the abuser and telling them that they know what game they're playing, in the hope that it will make them stop. Personally, I can't see that working. If I say to her 'I know your game, so what's the problem?', she'll just look at me like I'm nuts and walk away.
8 Tips To Protect You From Gaslighting In The Workplace.
What do other people think?
I think what you are suggesting makes a lot of sense (sitting it out until Christmas) - like Windscale says it is sensible not to do anything rash. She may well get bored and move onto another target.
I do know how you mean that sometimes the way the social dynamics is playing out means you stand very little chance of winning or even breaking even. (I appreciate that for you there's no question of "winning" - you just want to able to do your job without harassment.) If you were higher in the "pecking order" then you'd be able to deal with it, but if you were higher in the pecking order then it probably wouldn't have been an issue...
I get the impression though that this woman can now smell blood in the water, which makes her more keen to get her way. It's basically a choice of you or her and however many of her coterie it's necessary to get rid of in order to fully cut out the cancer. If they go with the latter that's a bigger problem for them to clear up, so you can see from a purely managerial point of view why losing you is the easier option unfortunately. Sadly norms tend not to have much in the way of morals when it comes down to it.
But you never know, she may get bored and decide to go and victimise someone else instead, so I wouldn't be inclined to make too rash decisions.