Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm new here and a bit nervous about posting. I've only recently realised that I'm autistic but, now that I've come to that realisation, I can't believe I never figured it out before, as it's so overwhelmingly obvious.
Anyway, I'm having trouble with a major decision and I'm hoping I might get some help here from people who understand how overwhelming life can be. I've tried talking to people in real life but I know that nobody really understands or takes it seriously when I say I can't cope, probably because I'm excellent at forcing myself to go through the motions so it looks like I'm coping. Basically, I'm at a point where I think I need to quit my job and I don't know what to do.
I'm a primary school teacher in Ireland and I've always been passionate about my work. It really suits me because I really identify strongly with children and I can relate to them in a way I can't relate to adults. I'm lucky in that my Principal acknowledges my strengths and has allowed me to have a huge amount of autonomy over the way I work as a classroom teacher. I suppose my job has always been my special interest and I'm not afraid to say (here that is, not in real life as I'm extremely conscious of not boasting) that I have a high level of expertise when it comes to education and I'm confident that I do an outstanding job.
The flip side of that is that I'm hyper aware of the failings of the education system and it drives me insane. I'm constantly fighting for improvement and optimisation. I'm certain my colleagues hate me for it as they seem to prefer to get by doing the minimum amount of work, which also drives me insane. Aside from that, I find it extremely difficult to relate to them on any level and the staff room chit chat causes me serious stress. My recent revelation about my autism has made me realise how deeply and negatively this has been affecting my mental health.
The nature of my job, until recently, has meant that I've spent most of my days doing what I love surrounded by people I enjoy spending time with (the children) and very little time working with other adults, which has suited me perfectly. For that reason, I've been able to tolerate the difficult parts of it that are major triggers for my anxiety because, aside from days when there are staff meetings, those difficult parts have made up a very small portion of the day.
Two years ago, I suffered an enormous tragic event when I gave birth prematurely and lost my baby when he was four days old. I thought I could never return to work but I eventually decided I had to. Since returning, nothing has been the same. At first, I thought I was suffering with PTSD, which, realistically, I likely was. However, after much research, I have learned that it's common for autistic people who have learned how to mask their traits to suddenly struggle with being able to do that after a traumatic event. I've found the difficult parts of my job, the interactions with the other staff, almost impossible to cope with. I don't know how but, somehow, I've managed to keep it up.
This year, I gave birth to my second baby. Since that, I've realised that being a mother is my true purpose in life. The past few months I've had with her while on maternity leave, I've felt a happiness that I've never known before. I've also realised that I function so much better when I'm not under stress. (Don't we all!) The comfort and safety I have felt while not having to work has made me realise how much hardship I have actually endured by working and trying to live a "normal" life.
Now I've returned to work again and I just find it so distressing leaving my baby. I feel so strongly that we're meant to be together and it's heartbreaking knowing she needs me and I'm not there. I find myself torn in two because I can't devote myself to my job the way I used to so it's no longer rewarding, and I can't devote myself to my baby, even on my days off, because it takes me far longer than most people to wind down after work and to switch off. I'm a very all or nothing person. I can't do anything unless I can give it my all and do it thoroughly. Doing a mediocre job of being a teacher or a mother would cause me extreme anxiety. I feel like my brain isn't able to give everything to both my job and my baby and I really feel like the two way pull is going to cause me to have a total nervous breakdown. However, when I talk to people about it and say I can't cope, the response I'm getting from everyone is "every mother has to do it", which really doesn't help.
There are further arguments for quitting.
Firstly, since returning, I've been job sharing. I thought it would be a good idea, and it is great only working for half of the time. However, I don't know why I thought I'd be able to work and cooperate with someone else like that and I'm seriously struggling with that aspect of things. I'm also working in learning support, which means I need to do a lot of liaising with the different classroom teachers and I have no autonomy over the work I do with the children. Just getting through the day and keeping it together without having a meltdown in work is taking everything out of me.
Secondly, knowing the failings of the system from the inside, I've decided that I really don't want my daughter attending school and I want to homeschool her. This means I would need to quit eventually anyway, so I might as well do it now while she needs me the most as a baby.
Thirdly, discovering my autism has made me question the hardship I've put myself through so far in life. I don't want to use it as an excuse or as some reason to suddenly see myself as less capable. However, I do have a new found compassion for myself and I can't believe how much hurt I've been causing myself my whole life by pretending, to myself as much as anyone else, that I'm able to manage.
So, although it seems like a clear cut decision, there is the very real problem of money. I have a very secure job with a pension and great holidays, perfect for family life. If I quit, we will have no source of income. I've worked very hard to get where I am and it's a huge thing to give up. I don't mind being poor but it's the future security that concerns me.
My husband doesn't work. We've been together for 12 years and he has never worked. We've always both been happy that way and justified it by the fact that we don't need more money than I earn and, if he worked, we wouldn't have as much time together. Looking at it now, we've both realised that he's essentially my carer. I can't function doing normal day to day tasks without him and I can't believe I haven't realised it before. Not only does he do all of the housework, shopping, dealing with finances etc. but he also helps me a lot with my personal self care.
We own our own house, which my husband is busy renovating, with 8 acres, half of which we have recently planted with native woodland. We have no mortgage because my husband's parents gave him his inheritance to buy our home. If I quit, he could claim social welfare and we would only be getting slightly less than I'm currently earning on my half salary while job sharing. We could totally survive. The problem is, he would have to be actively seeking work, which he doesn't want to do, especially since realising the extent of the care I need. Between that and renovating our home, he's already working full time. We don't want to go down the route of claiming I have a disability because it's too long and stressful and I don't want forced "therapy" or intervention from social services.
Ideally, we would like to set up our own business running an education centre or independent school. The idea would be something a bit like a forest school or a small homeschool type environment for a few, privately paying families, or else a centre where I could run after school classes and workshops. Our site is ideal but we don't have any money to invest up front. I'm also aware that it would take a long time to establish.
My husband is totally supportive but is at as much of a loss as I am in terms of what the best decision is. He keeps telling me to quit but I don't want to let him down. It's really my fault that he's never worked and has devoted his life to looking after me. I feel I've put us in this situation and I'd be letting our family down.
I'm scared that, if I quit, the new reality might be even more stressful. In the immediate term, we'd have to deal with hassle from the social welfare. In the long term, we'd be looking at putting a huge amount of work into starting and running a business. There's also a part of me that would be so sad to give up my job since I've always loved it until now, although I know I'll never again be able to devote as much of myself to it as I did before.
I'm very sorry for the long post. Being concise is not one of my strengths but hopefully the detailed information will help and I appreciate it if anyone has taken the time to read. I sincerely need advice from people who "get it".
Thanks
Hi Nature Spirit,
It sounds to me as if you and your husband had a fairly ‘balanced’ way of life between you prior to baby arriving, with you working and him being a househusband, which was working out really well for you both?
But the arrival of baby may have thrown that ‘balance’ out and you are now trying to get some handle on how best to recreate a new way of being, as a family, which equally suits you all just as well too?
I think that having to re-evaluate your way of life and both of you sometimes having to make changes (or sacrifices) in this way is very usual and common after having a baby.
I would like to understand your situation further so, may I please ask, if your husband was a house husband prior to babies birth, does he now do the majority of caring for baby too or have you found that, even though you are working and he isn’t, you are actually the baby’s ‘primary carer?’
AngelDust said:I would like to understand your situation further so, may I please ask, if your husband was a house husband prior to babies birth, does he now do the majority of caring for baby too or have you found that, even though you are working and he isn’t, you are actually the baby’s ‘primary carer?’
I definitely consider myself my baby's primary caregiver. I'm breastfeeding and I'm the one who looks after her in most other ways as well, although my husband does help with nappy changing etc. and he is around a lot so she's close to both of us. We do a lot of things together as a family and I carry her with me in a sling whenever we go out, so she's very much attached to me.
I only just started back at work at the beginning of September and am job sharing, so I work 2 days one week and 3 days the next. My husband minds the baby at home on those days. So far, I've only worked a total of 10 days since I started back. She seems to be struggling as much as I am. My husband has been having trouble getting her to sleep and getting her to take her expressed milk and he says she spends the whole day looking for me.
Firstly, I would like to say that I am personally very supportive of alternative education provision. I too believe that the current education system is no longer fit for purpose, and I believe schools are generally and increasingly very toxic places for both the staff and the kids. Therefore I believe that your idea of opening a Forest School or similar at some future point is very wonderful indeed.
However; I am also very aware, from your post, just how much responsibility appears to be resting on your shoulders right now. You appear to feel heavily responsible for EVERYTHING; you seem to believe it is your lone responsibility to work, to be grateful your husband has shouldered the majority of the housekeeping chores (paying bills, shopping etc.) over the years while you worked, to be the primary carer for your baby, to bring money into the home, to teach other children, (to change the education system,) to figure out a way of keeping everyone happy (by starting your own home-based business) now you also have a baby to care for on your long list of existing responsibilities too. It is really no wonder whatsoever that you may feel overwhelmed by all this, especially in light of your recent heartbreak (trauma,) your baby being very new (young) too and your incredibly recent return to work.
I notice too that your idea of running a business from home also seemingly primarily involves you and your skills (teaching) too.
I therefore gently ask; is all this entirely fair on you? What solutions has your husband offered, what changes is he prepared to make in order to ensure that, since the birth of your baby, ALL the responsibilities you share as a family,( household duties, child rearing duties, working and bringing money in duties) are ALL as equally distributed between you both as much as possible? Perhaps your husband needs to make changes now too (such as getting a P/T job or some form of income even if only temporary while your business takes off) which could enable you to stay home with baby and quit your job to pursue your business dreams too as; from your post, it doesn’t appear as if your husband’s life has changed much (at all?) since having the baby (other than now ‘minding’ baby for a couple of days a week for you?) While yours has seemingly changed dramatically now you realise/feel that your 'place is with baby.'
If you do intend to start your own business you will very much need the time and mental space to do so; so hubby will still end up minding baby for a few days a week on his own (he can’t turn to you to settle baby if he/she is fretful just because you are within easy reach) as you will be very busy. I am not in any way trying to put you off starting a school for yourself, I think it’s a fantastic idea long term that I would sincerely urge you to go for; I am just concerned if you are trying to find a solution right now (to several current issues, such as not wanting to leave baby, having to provide an income, wanting to teach,) without effective support or shared, active help in place at home which will enable you to successfully do so?
There just seems to be a huge amount of pressure on you right now and I am wondering if you have made a realistic plan which would enable that pressure to retreat enough to allow you to make a good go of starting up in business for yourself? I appreciate that, at the moment, you feel that quitting your job will relieve some of that immediate pressure but, if it is replaced with serious money worries instead, it may be simply swapping one type of pressure for another? I say start your business by all means, but make sure that you have the 'scaffolding' in your life to support you to successfully do so.
What do you imagine the business, hubbys roles, and your role/s being like (entailing) on a weekly basis in your 'new life?'
Thanks, yes I have tried that and several other tests and there is no doubt in my mind, based not only on those results but on everything I have read, that I have autism. I have no interest in an official diagnosis as I am very confident. I don't think I'm just mildly on the spectrum either, which is why I can't believe I never realised before. Now that I know all of the signs and symptoms, I've realised how much it has affected me all through my life. I've never encountered anyone anywhere near as capable as myself at certain things, yet there are so many basic, everyday things that people seem to find easy and I can't cope with them at all.
I just talked to my mother today, actually, to tell her and ask her perspective. Her response was that she always suspected it and that it explains a lot. I don't know why she didn't tell me before that she suspected it but at least we know now. I'm not too bothered by it. I'm actually relieved to finally have an explanation for why I'm so different and I feel quite proud of being neurodiverse.
I agree that I'm near to breaking point but I'm starting to feel a bit calmer now that my decision is becoming clearer. We have decided that I am going to quit but we are still trying to figure out when and how. In the meantime, on my days off, I've been doing lots of research into the business side of things.
I understand what you mean about withdrawing from society. I do think that's what I need to do for a small while because I need to recover and build up my strength. However, I have long term visions and goals so I don't view a retreat from society as being a permanent thing. I think our business idea is very viable but I need some time to rest my mind and just enjoy being a mum for a while first.
My baby is 6 months old. I don't think there is anything unusual about her being upset without me and I know it's very normal. I know many mothers return to work and the babies adjust in time but it's not what I want. I feel very strongly about doing things as naturally as possible and I think the natural thing is for my baby to be with her mother.
Hi,
It seems to me that you may well be on the spectrum - have you tried the AQTest http://aspergerstest.net/aq-test/ ? This is a surprising useful tool that may well confirm your suspicions. It is not a diagnosis but it might help you work out which way is up at the moment.
I fear that you are so stressed that you are near to breaking point. You have been through some truly traumatic experiences and I fear that you may respond to this by withdrawing from society and turning inwards which might not be the best thing for you and your family.
How old is baby now? Is she old enough to be really clingy and have separation anxiety? This is a normal stage - but can be very hard for parents to experience. There are lots of pages on the internet about this that explain how normal it is and suggest things that you can do to help you both learn to get though it.