Can't cope with major decision

How i read your letter was: "I have realised i want to leave work and my husband and i have agreed what we want to do to earn a living instead. We have our own house. However, we don't have any capital to start the new business with and i'm worried about running out of money in the short term for our daily needs, now or in the future." In other words, you need a financial advisor, not a bunch of people with autism.

I've been semidestitute a lot and it sucks, but my big fear was homelessness as i didn't have money for rent and being a woman sleeping rough in a city has obvious risks, starting with hypothermia. Plus you'd get all your possessions nicked. In terms of insecurity, you should probably grow your own food a lot, as you've the time energy and land, and be prepared to be cold or fix your heating, there isn't much else you need in life. Soap, tampons, underwear.

I don't know if you'd cope emotionally, practically, bureaucratically etc with running a school, plus the obvious problem of relating to and selling to adults and all the risk eg false accusations of hitting children, employing people, that it runs, but you won't know until you realistically face the prospect, by which i mean, speak to the bank about a loan, talk to a small business advisor or self-employment advisor at the jobcentre (irish equivalent) etc.

Do you have a clear idea what kind of school, eg steiner school, that italian woman type, your own? Hippies and homeschoolers would probably be interested: is there a big homeschool network in your area? Autism school?

Would you be willing to tutor to fund yourself?

Thanks for this advice.

I decided to hold off on the decision and so I worked on Thursday and Friday without handing in any notice. I had a very stressful couple of days, as did my baby, and it really reaffirmed my decision to leave work. It took us all weekend to get back to normal.

I think you're right about leaving on health grounds being the best way to go. I took sick leave today and am going to see my GP tomorrow so I'll see what she advises. I already feel such a sense of relief by being at home with my daughter today instead of being in school.

I agree about involving Occupational Health at work. My thoughts being that, instead of quitting right now, perhaps taking sick or compassionate leave instead could give you some much needed time and space to consider and plan your next steps positively?

Hi Nature Spirit,

Firstly, I would like to say that I am personally very supportive of alternative education provision. I too believe that the current education system is no longer fit for purpose, and I believe schools are generally and increasingly very toxic places for both the staff and the kids. Therefore I believe that your idea of opening a Forest School or similar at some future point is very wonderful indeed.

However; I am also very aware, from your post, just how much responsibility appears to be resting on your shoulders right now. You appear to feel heavily responsible for EVERYTHING; you seem to believe it is your lone responsibility to work, to be grateful your husband has shouldered the majority of the housekeeping chores (paying bills, shopping etc.) over the years while you worked, to be the primary carer for your baby, to bring money into the home, to teach other children, (to change the education system,) to figure out a way of keeping everyone happy (by starting your own home-based business) now you also have a baby to care for on your long list of existing responsibilities too. It is really no wonder whatsoever that you may feel overwhelmed by all this, especially in light of your recent heartbreak (trauma,) your baby being very new (young) too and your incredibly recent return to work.

I notice too that your idea of running a business from home also seemingly primarily involves you and your skills (teaching) too.

I therefore gently ask; is all this entirely fair on you? What solutions has your husband offered, what changes is he prepared to make in order to ensure that, since the birth of your baby, ALL the responsibilities you share as a family,( household duties, child rearing duties, working and bringing money in duties) are ALL as equally distributed between you both as much as possible? Perhaps your husband needs to make changes now too (such as getting a P/T job or some form of income even if only temporary while your business takes off) which could enable you to stay home with baby and quit your job to pursue your business dreams too as; from your post, it doesn’t appear as if your husband’s life has changed much (at all?) since having the baby (other than now ‘minding’ baby for a couple of days a week for you?)  While yours has seemingly changed dramatically now you realise/feel that your 'place is with baby.'

If you do intend to start your own business you will very much need the time and mental space to do so; so hubby will still end up minding baby for a few days a week on his own (he can’t turn to you to settle baby if he/she is fretful just because you are within easy reach) as you will be very busy. I am not in any way trying to put you off starting a school for yourself, I think it’s a fantastic idea long term that I would sincerely urge you to go for; I am just concerned if you are trying to find a solution right now (to several current issues, such as not wanting to leave baby, having to provide an income, wanting to teach,) without effective support or shared, active help in place at home which will enable you to successfully do so?  

There just seems to be a huge amount of pressure on you right now and I am wondering if you have made a realistic plan which would enable that pressure to retreat enough to allow you to make a good go of starting up in business for yourself? I appreciate that, at the moment, you feel that quitting your job will relieve some of that immediate pressure but, if it is replaced with serious money worries instead, it may be simply swapping one type of pressure for another? I say start your business by all means, but make sure that you have the 'scaffolding' in your life to support you to successfully do so.

What do you imagine the business, hubbys roles, and your role/s being like (entailing) on a weekly basis in your 'new life?'

Nature Spirit said:

If I quit, he could claim social welfare

Or, he could find some work to support your family? If he is genuinely a carer rather than a personal assistant then I guess that he could claim that this is an acceptable alternative. Not sure what the rules are about voluntarily quitting work and then claiming benefits? Not sure if you are in NI or Eire?

Another option might be for you to leave on health grounds. Your new circumstances are such that your health is suffering due to your autism + baby + other circumstances. It might be a good idea to talk to your employers occupational health doctor. This might be the most consensual, agreeable path for both you and your employer and the social security dept?

Thank you very much. That's not patronising at all. You've been extremely helpful.

Thank you to everyone who has listened and offered advice. I have decided to quit but now the panic is setting in. I'm due back in to school on Thursday but I don't know if I can work up the courage to talk to my Principal. We also have no alternative source of income in place. I don't know how much longer I can keep going as I am. I know I need to quit sooner rather than later but I'm so scared.

Thanks, yes I have tried that and several other tests and there is no doubt in my mind, based not only on those results but on everything I have read, that I have autism. I have no interest in an official diagnosis as I am very confident. I don't think I'm just mildly on the spectrum either, which is why I can't believe I never realised before. Now that I know all of the signs and symptoms, I've realised how much it has affected me all through my life. I've never encountered anyone anywhere near as capable as myself at certain things, yet there are so many basic, everyday things that people seem to find easy and I can't cope with them at all.

I just talked to my mother today, actually, to tell her and ask her perspective. Her response was that she always suspected it and that it explains a lot. I don't know why she didn't tell me before that she suspected it but at least we know now. I'm not too bothered by it. I'm actually relieved to finally have an explanation for why I'm so different and I feel quite proud of being neurodiverse. 

I agree that I'm near to breaking point but I'm starting to feel a bit calmer now that my decision is becoming clearer. We have decided that I am going to quit but we are still trying to figure out when and how. In the meantime, on my days off, I've been doing lots of research into the business side of things. 

I understand what you mean about withdrawing from society. I do think that's what I need to do for a small while because I need to recover and build up my strength. However, I have long term visions and goals so I don't view a retreat from society as being a permanent thing. I think our business idea is very viable but I need some time to rest my mind and just enjoy being a mum for a while first.

My baby is 6 months old. I don't think there is anything unusual about her being upset without me and I know it's very normal. I know many mothers return to work and the babies adjust in time but it's not what I want. I feel very strongly about doing things as naturally as possible and I think the natural thing is for my baby to be with her mother.

Hi,

It seems to me that you may well be on the spectrum - have you tried the AQTest http://aspergerstest.net/aq-test/ ? This is a surprising useful tool that may well confirm your suspicions. It is not a diagnosis but it might help you work out which way is up at the moment.

I fear that you are so stressed that you are near to breaking point. You have been through some truly traumatic experiences and I fear that you may respond to this by withdrawing from society and turning inwards which might not be the best thing for you and your family.

How old is baby now? Is she old enough to be really clingy and have separation anxiety? This is a normal stage - but can be very hard for parents to experience. There are lots of pages on the internet about this that explain how normal it is and suggest things that you can do to help you both learn to get though it.

AngelDust said:

I would like to understand your situation further so, may I please ask, if your husband was a house husband prior to babies birth, does he now do the majority of caring for baby too or have you found that, even though you are working and he isn’t, you are actually the baby’s ‘primary carer?’

I definitely consider myself my baby's primary caregiver. I'm breastfeeding and I'm the one who looks after her in most other ways as well, although my husband does help with nappy changing etc. and he is around a lot so she's close to both of us. We do a lot of things together as a family and I carry her with me in a sling whenever we go out, so she's very much attached to me.

I only just started back at work at the beginning of September and am job sharing, so I work 2 days one week and 3 days the next. My husband minds the baby at home on those days. So far, I've only worked a total of 10 days since I started back. She seems to be struggling as much as I am. My husband has been having trouble getting her to sleep and getting her to take her expressed milk and he says she spends the whole day looking for me.

You and your husband can work this out. I am confident of that without knowing you. Your long post has lots of clues in it to pick up on. Main thing is you both have to be open and not entrenched in your ‘old’ view of the life you had together. You need to view things very differently from how as a couple you did before. Your strength is in ‘each other’. The sum of the parts adds up to a lot more than just * 2. You are a clever person with minor features that hold you back. Thank god for that, if those brakes were taken off you... what an awesome scary person you would be! Seriously, you are you and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Life is trickier for us but with skill, invention, a bit of boldness, and very importantly the support of your husband, together you can achieve pretty much anything. Procrastination is they say the thief of time, so be it, take a lot of time, investigating together, planning together, scheming together, talking every issue through together, in order that you make a ‘rock solid decission’ that will withstand the odd knock or set back. If you cannot agree, dont fallout, think about an entirely different plan. Its ‘do this together’ or not at all time. AND do not be too swayed by anything people say to you, its your choice, your decision, your committment. My counselling training tells me I am only here tohelp you identify possibilities, what I think about your choices is neither here or there, its none of my business. So beware people who steer you, always ask your self whats in it for them? Sorry if this is very patronising but others read these posts and they could learn something themselves about changes they are contemplating. Leave you with, Love and Trust yourself, you will both know when the plan is right. 

Hi Nature Spirit,

It sounds to me as if you and your husband had a fairly ‘balanced’ way of life between you prior to baby arriving, with you working and him being a househusband, which was working out really well for you both?

But the arrival of baby may have thrown that ‘balance’ out and you are now trying to get some handle on how best to recreate a new way of being, as a family, which equally suits you all just as well too?

I think that having to re-evaluate your way of life and both of you sometimes having to make changes (or sacrifices) in this way is very usual and common after having a baby.

I would like to understand your situation further so, may I please ask, if your husband was a house husband prior to babies birth, does he now do the majority of caring for baby too or have you found that, even though you are working and he isn’t, you are actually the baby’s ‘primary carer?’

Hi, thank you, that's great advice. I have considered childminding and I think it would be a good option in the short term while we work on a more education focused business. It may also help with networking for potential future students.

Thanks but I am 100% certain about my autism and I never say 100% unless I really mean it. 

I absolutely have a lot to learn about work life balance and it's something I've always had trouble with. 

Thank you, that's really encouraging. I know exactly what you mean about it being impossible to change the system and I definitely can't win. 

It's great to hear the success story of your friend and his wife. It is a gamble but I have to try. You're right about being too close to the wood to see the trees. It is starting to seem clearer now!

Thank you so much for your supportive and detailed response. It really is helpful to know that you have listened and understood. 

You're right, there's nothing there I haven't thought of. I've been overthinking it really and I've got so many lists of ideas and pros and cons I don't know what to do with them! 

I think I know what I want to do. It's just really scary and every time I talk to someone about it they make me more scared. Your encouragement has been really helpful.

Hi There. I will reply very briefly. I too fully understand the stresses of teaching (well, the way the education system sucks) there is way too much emphasis on paperwork and record keeping which stops us from doing what we love the most - being with the children.

Have you considered registering as a childminder? I did that for a number of years before I went into special needs support. The outlay wasn't huge, I could still be with children, I could be with my own child too, I Was my own boss, could plan my day as I liked, and set my own holidays. It was also quite reasonable pay.

Nature Spirit said:

The flip side of that is that I'm hyper aware of the failings of the education system and it drives me insane. I'm constantly fighting for improvement and optimisation. I'm certain my colleagues hate me for it as they seem to prefer to get by doing the minimum amount of work, which also drives me insane. Aside from that, I find it extremely difficult to relate to them on any level and the staff room chit chat causes me serious stress. My recent revelation about my autism has made me realise how deeply and negatively this has been affecting my mental health.

You think that you are autistic but perhaps you have other issues instead of, or on top of, autism. Perhaps you should seek professional guidance about that and get some external advice on what/who you are. Making a major decision whilst self diagnosed could be a recipe for disaster.

Your colleagues have perhaps made their own decisions about work life balance and that could mean that you could learn from them. Perhaps it isn't sensible to work as single-mindedly as you want and have a personal life outside school?

I get it. I am an ex-tutor from an FE college and worked in the Engineering department. Everything you have said about the present education system rings so many bells it is a cacophony in my head. You have weighed it up exactly correctly. My choice as I saw it was that it was impossible to change the system, so don’t even try. Drop it, leave it, let it go. I now treat every issue like this. Never fight a war that you cant win.

There is a dilemma here. Can you drop it, leave it and let it go. If you are like me this will be a great struggle. BUT free of trying to fix things you might cope a lot better, after all you only have to be better at the job than the majority of the others and hey instant self esteem.

the sharing is not a good idea in education. I worked with a guy who had an identical work load. We could have shared resources and I did try but I could not deliver using his lesson plan and him the same. In the end we shared nothing. He did it his way. I did it mine. Surprisingly when we sorted that lot out we became great friends.

years ago I knew a teacher who felt just like us about education standards and methods. Him and his wife (both were qualified teachers) set up their own school. Surprise a lot of parents also shared our views that all main stream schools were crap and within a year of opening they had a waiting list of prospective pupils.

you are actually living in your biggest assett. Think about it. Yes its a gamble. But this could be you and your husbands big dream that comes true. Look for an affluent location. Make sure the premises are suited. My friends bought a disused council Library. Sacrifice is good for the soul, swapping the s5 BMW for a Dacia because of a higher cause is very good for the soul, even though it will break your heart doing it.

thanks for reading thus far, I hope I have given a glimmer of light to illuminate possible choices. Sometimes we are just too close to the wood to see the trees.

Hello.Welcome. It is a long post but that's ok. If you try to carry on as you are you won't just meltdown you will burn out. So yes it is a serious decision to make. Yes I do understand that on the surface it would appear that you are competent and managing but we know that takes a lot of hard work and is exhausting. It isn't surprising that you have dedicated yourself to something you love doing or that you get on better with the children than the adults. I taught too for a very short time and I found the same thing. I think we do work best where we have areas of autonomy and so can imagine team teaching isn't easy because although it's part time you still have all the preparation to do and liaise with someone else about it whereas your own class is just up to you. Not only in lesson content but layout of the room , presentation on the walls, ordering supplies, and especially interaction with  and plans for individual children. Yes the staff room is very difficult , I never felt comfortable there either as an nqt I didn't know what it should be like. I worked hard but didn't get the support I needed. My sister in law teaches and she got frustrated by the same attitude and now has pupils coming to her for extra tuition or part of home schooling which suits her much better. I'm so sorry for the loss of your first baby. That must make your second baby even more precious and harder to leave. Some people are very suited to being a stay at home mum and as you say if you can get a business up and running that would be ideal and a great idea. Being a mum with any Neurodiversity asd or ADHD is exceptionally hard. This is where I cannot speak from experience because sadly I don't have my own children. But I have read about childbirth being a trigger point for finding out you have asd and I don't think that is unusual. And no it isn't what every mother has to cope with but hopefully some autistic mum's will comment.  And I don't have a 25/7 husband or partner to consider. But it sounds like you work well together and you both support each other and it does sound a bit like you are blaming yourself for your circumstances which is being hard on yourself.  You have explained your situation clearly. And from what you have said and what your hopes are it does make sense to leave that particular teaching post. There is usually supply work which again isn't easy but it could be a regular income, also sometimes there are peripatetic teaching posts between schools to support both which give you more autonomy but less security without actually giving up paid work or a pension. Worth enquiring with agencies and local council. You have explained how you work together with your husband and sound happy with that but maybe now is the time to let him be the wage earner for a while. Also are there not start up business grants and money to help set up the idea you have for your homestead? Perhaps you don't have to fund this all yourselves to get started up and running. It sounds as though with both of you at home your enthusiasm and your husbands diy skills you could put your dream into practice more quickly than you continuing to split yourself in two. There is stability in a paid job, with a pension and children you see daily. But once your business is established you could pay into a private pension. I think the best thing you can do is get more information about running your own business, look at other set ups like the one you want to create, get advice from other people who have done similar things, find out what rules and regulations you need to follow and apply. Do your research and this might help you make your decision. You said you want to homeschool your daughter.. so if you left teaching to do that how were you going to support that and can that be brought forward? No mortgage is a huge benefit but as we know there are still maintenance costs and utilities to pay for. Maybe you can look into renewable energy to reduce your utility costs for long term benefits. 

I hope you get other replies from others who know more about running their own business and homeschool than I do. Let us know how you get on.

I don't think I will have said anything you haven't already thought of but hope it helps to know someone has listened and does understand.