Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm new here and a bit nervous about posting. I've only recently realised that I'm autistic but, now that I've come to that realisation, I can't believe I never figured it out before, as it's so overwhelmingly obvious.
Anyway, I'm having trouble with a major decision and I'm hoping I might get some help here from people who understand how overwhelming life can be. I've tried talking to people in real life but I know that nobody really understands or takes it seriously when I say I can't cope, probably because I'm excellent at forcing myself to go through the motions so it looks like I'm coping. Basically, I'm at a point where I think I need to quit my job and I don't know what to do.
I'm a primary school teacher in Ireland and I've always been passionate about my work. It really suits me because I really identify strongly with children and I can relate to them in a way I can't relate to adults. I'm lucky in that my Principal acknowledges my strengths and has allowed me to have a huge amount of autonomy over the way I work as a classroom teacher. I suppose my job has always been my special interest and I'm not afraid to say (here that is, not in real life as I'm extremely conscious of not boasting) that I have a high level of expertise when it comes to education and I'm confident that I do an outstanding job.
The flip side of that is that I'm hyper aware of the failings of the education system and it drives me insane. I'm constantly fighting for improvement and optimisation. I'm certain my colleagues hate me for it as they seem to prefer to get by doing the minimum amount of work, which also drives me insane. Aside from that, I find it extremely difficult to relate to them on any level and the staff room chit chat causes me serious stress. My recent revelation about my autism has made me realise how deeply and negatively this has been affecting my mental health.
The nature of my job, until recently, has meant that I've spent most of my days doing what I love surrounded by people I enjoy spending time with (the children) and very little time working with other adults, which has suited me perfectly. For that reason, I've been able to tolerate the difficult parts of it that are major triggers for my anxiety because, aside from days when there are staff meetings, those difficult parts have made up a very small portion of the day.
Two years ago, I suffered an enormous tragic event when I gave birth prematurely and lost my baby when he was four days old. I thought I could never return to work but I eventually decided I had to. Since returning, nothing has been the same. At first, I thought I was suffering with PTSD, which, realistically, I likely was. However, after much research, I have learned that it's common for autistic people who have learned how to mask their traits to suddenly struggle with being able to do that after a traumatic event. I've found the difficult parts of my job, the interactions with the other staff, almost impossible to cope with. I don't know how but, somehow, I've managed to keep it up.
This year, I gave birth to my second baby. Since that, I've realised that being a mother is my true purpose in life. The past few months I've had with her while on maternity leave, I've felt a happiness that I've never known before. I've also realised that I function so much better when I'm not under stress. (Don't we all!) The comfort and safety I have felt while not having to work has made me realise how much hardship I have actually endured by working and trying to live a "normal" life.
Now I've returned to work again and I just find it so distressing leaving my baby. I feel so strongly that we're meant to be together and it's heartbreaking knowing she needs me and I'm not there. I find myself torn in two because I can't devote myself to my job the way I used to so it's no longer rewarding, and I can't devote myself to my baby, even on my days off, because it takes me far longer than most people to wind down after work and to switch off. I'm a very all or nothing person. I can't do anything unless I can give it my all and do it thoroughly. Doing a mediocre job of being a teacher or a mother would cause me extreme anxiety. I feel like my brain isn't able to give everything to both my job and my baby and I really feel like the two way pull is going to cause me to have a total nervous breakdown. However, when I talk to people about it and say I can't cope, the response I'm getting from everyone is "every mother has to do it", which really doesn't help.
There are further arguments for quitting.
Firstly, since returning, I've been job sharing. I thought it would be a good idea, and it is great only working for half of the time. However, I don't know why I thought I'd be able to work and cooperate with someone else like that and I'm seriously struggling with that aspect of things. I'm also working in learning support, which means I need to do a lot of liaising with the different classroom teachers and I have no autonomy over the work I do with the children. Just getting through the day and keeping it together without having a meltdown in work is taking everything out of me.
Secondly, knowing the failings of the system from the inside, I've decided that I really don't want my daughter attending school and I want to homeschool her. This means I would need to quit eventually anyway, so I might as well do it now while she needs me the most as a baby.
Thirdly, discovering my autism has made me question the hardship I've put myself through so far in life. I don't want to use it as an excuse or as some reason to suddenly see myself as less capable. However, I do have a new found compassion for myself and I can't believe how much hurt I've been causing myself my whole life by pretending, to myself as much as anyone else, that I'm able to manage.
So, although it seems like a clear cut decision, there is the very real problem of money. I have a very secure job with a pension and great holidays, perfect for family life. If I quit, we will have no source of income. I've worked very hard to get where I am and it's a huge thing to give up. I don't mind being poor but it's the future security that concerns me.
My husband doesn't work. We've been together for 12 years and he has never worked. We've always both been happy that way and justified it by the fact that we don't need more money than I earn and, if he worked, we wouldn't have as much time together. Looking at it now, we've both realised that he's essentially my carer. I can't function doing normal day to day tasks without him and I can't believe I haven't realised it before. Not only does he do all of the housework, shopping, dealing with finances etc. but he also helps me a lot with my personal self care.
We own our own house, which my husband is busy renovating, with 8 acres, half of which we have recently planted with native woodland. We have no mortgage because my husband's parents gave him his inheritance to buy our home. If I quit, he could claim social welfare and we would only be getting slightly less than I'm currently earning on my half salary while job sharing. We could totally survive. The problem is, he would have to be actively seeking work, which he doesn't want to do, especially since realising the extent of the care I need. Between that and renovating our home, he's already working full time. We don't want to go down the route of claiming I have a disability because it's too long and stressful and I don't want forced "therapy" or intervention from social services.
Ideally, we would like to set up our own business running an education centre or independent school. The idea would be something a bit like a forest school or a small homeschool type environment for a few, privately paying families, or else a centre where I could run after school classes and workshops. Our site is ideal but we don't have any money to invest up front. I'm also aware that it would take a long time to establish.
My husband is totally supportive but is at as much of a loss as I am in terms of what the best decision is. He keeps telling me to quit but I don't want to let him down. It's really my fault that he's never worked and has devoted his life to looking after me. I feel I've put us in this situation and I'd be letting our family down.
I'm scared that, if I quit, the new reality might be even more stressful. In the immediate term, we'd have to deal with hassle from the social welfare. In the long term, we'd be looking at putting a huge amount of work into starting and running a business. There's also a part of me that would be so sad to give up my job since I've always loved it until now, although I know I'll never again be able to devote as much of myself to it as I did before.
I'm very sorry for the long post. Being concise is not one of my strengths but hopefully the detailed information will help and I appreciate it if anyone has taken the time to read. I sincerely need advice from people who "get it".
Thanks
Hello.Welcome. It is a long post but that's ok. If you try to carry on as you are you won't just meltdown you will burn out. So yes it is a serious decision to make. Yes I do understand that on the surface it would appear that you are competent and managing but we know that takes a lot of hard work and is exhausting. It isn't surprising that you have dedicated yourself to something you love doing or that you get on better with the children than the adults. I taught too for a very short time and I found the same thing. I think we do work best where we have areas of autonomy and so can imagine team teaching isn't easy because although it's part time you still have all the preparation to do and liaise with someone else about it whereas your own class is just up to you. Not only in lesson content but layout of the room , presentation on the walls, ordering supplies, and especially interaction with and plans for individual children. Yes the staff room is very difficult , I never felt comfortable there either as an nqt I didn't know what it should be like. I worked hard but didn't get the support I needed. My sister in law teaches and she got frustrated by the same attitude and now has pupils coming to her for extra tuition or part of home schooling which suits her much better. I'm so sorry for the loss of your first baby. That must make your second baby even more precious and harder to leave. Some people are very suited to being a stay at home mum and as you say if you can get a business up and running that would be ideal and a great idea. Being a mum with any Neurodiversity asd or ADHD is exceptionally hard. This is where I cannot speak from experience because sadly I don't have my own children. But I have read about childbirth being a trigger point for finding out you have asd and I don't think that is unusual. And no it isn't what every mother has to cope with but hopefully some autistic mum's will comment. And I don't have a 25/7 husband or partner to consider. But it sounds like you work well together and you both support each other and it does sound a bit like you are blaming yourself for your circumstances which is being hard on yourself. You have explained your situation clearly. And from what you have said and what your hopes are it does make sense to leave that particular teaching post. There is usually supply work which again isn't easy but it could be a regular income, also sometimes there are peripatetic teaching posts between schools to support both which give you more autonomy but less security without actually giving up paid work or a pension. Worth enquiring with agencies and local council. You have explained how you work together with your husband and sound happy with that but maybe now is the time to let him be the wage earner for a while. Also are there not start up business grants and money to help set up the idea you have for your homestead? Perhaps you don't have to fund this all yourselves to get started up and running. It sounds as though with both of you at home your enthusiasm and your husbands diy skills you could put your dream into practice more quickly than you continuing to split yourself in two. There is stability in a paid job, with a pension and children you see daily. But once your business is established you could pay into a private pension. I think the best thing you can do is get more information about running your own business, look at other set ups like the one you want to create, get advice from other people who have done similar things, find out what rules and regulations you need to follow and apply. Do your research and this might help you make your decision. You said you want to homeschool your daughter.. so if you left teaching to do that how were you going to support that and can that be brought forward? No mortgage is a huge benefit but as we know there are still maintenance costs and utilities to pay for. Maybe you can look into renewable energy to reduce your utility costs for long term benefits.
I hope you get other replies from others who know more about running their own business and homeschool than I do. Let us know how you get on.
I don't think I will have said anything you haven't already thought of but hope it helps to know someone has listened and does understand.
Thank you so much for your supportive and detailed response. It really is helpful to know that you have listened and understood.
You're right, there's nothing there I haven't thought of. I've been overthinking it really and I've got so many lists of ideas and pros and cons I don't know what to do with them!
I think I know what I want to do. It's just really scary and every time I talk to someone about it they make me more scared. Your encouragement has been really helpful.