Published on 12, July, 2020
Since my diagnosis, one woman at work has gone out of her way to seemingly belittle my condition.
She constantly says that I am 'getting away with things' and that as a woman she suffers far more and has far more problems than me. She says that period pains and the menopause would make my autism seem very trivial.
Not being a woman, I do not know how these things are. My attitude in the past has always been that trying to have a battle between conditions as to which is worse is pointless. But perhaps some of the female autistics here could tell me whether their autism has a greater effect on them than their 'womens problems' or vice versa. I certainly do not want to belittle the things that women have to put up with and never would.
I think my work colleague is somehow 'jealous' of the fact I have a support worker and have had my work changed in order to accommodate my autistic tendencies. Could this be the case?
Maybe suggest to her to try and get the support she feels may help her? Perhaps there is something she can think of and being a union rep you may be in a position to argue it for her.
I don't mean to offend you, but if you say her condition (well, assuming that it's hers) is accepted as a normal part of being half of the human race then you are being just as ignorant. There are plenty of women who feel a bit under the weather with some mild discomfort, then there are some who would feel pretty bad but can control it with painkillers and function reasonably normal and then there are some who do feel really rubbish to the point of vomiting and passing out, no matter how much pills they take, especially if they have endometriosis where the kind of tissue that should only line the inside of the womb is found in other places too. It's tricky to diagnose though and although it can be treated with surgery that's often not very effective, particularly in the long term. There are more reasons of course and it's also possible that there's no reason to be found and it's still pretty bad. For the time I'm hanging over the loo I certainly think that's worse than not being able to show positive feelings, hide negative ones, deal with being hurt, get stressed about not finishing what I had planned to do... It's just two entirely different kind of things. Why whatever she gets makes her think that you don't deserve the support you get is a bit beyond me, but maybe she's just really frustrated with her issues. In that case someone showing a bit of understanding or willingness to gain understanding may help, it doesn't matter that you are a man because many women will also not understand it, despite being convinced they do, that adds to the frustration.
Yes unfortunately I am ignorant in this. I cannot put others in my shoes very easily at all, I tend to put myself in theirs (and I think there is a difference!) It is very difficult for me, I cannot imagine at all what 'happens' inside in this situation, all as I can imagine is the physical and from experience know that some women get very 'moody' every month, and then I wonder what is wrong. Yes, I know the biology of the thing but this is not the issue, but imagining what it is like and how it affects women inside is totally beyond my comprehension. Her remarks make me feel very guilty, and not being able to understand makes it worse.
And this is what really makes any response I give difficult and liable to be misinterpreted. Is pmt something like an autistic meltdown? I don't know, how could I know?. And it really confuses me! "Emotional intelligence" was never my strong point! Her remarks make me feel very guilty, and not being able to understand makes it worse.
Hmm, not sure, I don't get pmt, but I don't think it is like a meltdown, if anything it makes a meltdown more likely to happen. Otherwise it makes some women quite irritable but I'd say compared to a meltdown it's possible to keep it under a bit more control (unless it causes a meltdown), but then that will differ from person to person. And menopause comes with a whole range of issues too, and they are probably not very nice eiher. Don't think people need official workplace support for pmt, maybe a few with menopause problems, but just others not taking things too personal and being a bit nice even if it doesn't seem particularly well-deserved at the very time is probably often enough. That's helpful with all sorts of mood-problems, I guess. Saying this, I don't mean that you shouldn't take the comments she has for you personal, I mean more if she or someone else is generally irritable and easily explodes about little or nothing.
Strong pain isn't a hormone issue as such and has not much to do with mood really (or with pmt, as it's not "p"), you just aren't in a great mood if you are in enough pain to keel over. If you dislocate your shoulder you'll feel sick too and possibly be sick and you are likely to faint, it's really quite a physical thing. This being belittled is not much better than belittling ASD or whatever issue someone may have. I have no idea if she actually gets it as badly, but I think if you told me that surely it can't be such a big problem, given that it's normal for half the world's population, then I would feel pretty much like you do about her comments regarding ASD. If we don't function the way we would like then we don't need someone telling us to pull ourselves together in one way or another. Not quite sure why this makes her behave like this and make you feel guilty, instead of feeling more like you both have your issues and could both do with a bit of support from the other or at least just being nice to each other. Seems to argue about whose problem is bigger is a complete waste of energy.
Maybe she doesn't mean to make you feel guilty but is just generally frustrated or jealous that you get support while she doesn't, without intentionally blaming you for this but rather the people that decide about it? It's not fair to bombard you with this, but maybe lots of things make everybody a little "autistic", in a sense that it's harder to realise how our actions affect others when we struggle with ourselves for whatever reason?
I can see that this is not so easy for you (or for me for the same reason) but the same way you can expect her to at least try to gain a bit of understanding for your issues and certainly not belittle them, she can also expect the same from you. Perhaps neither of you is in a position to fully understand the other, but when both of you at least start from the assumption that it isn't necessarily trivial just because you don't understand it then that would perhaps already help and at least avoid comments that cause upset when neither of you needs it. Not sure though how to make her see that, but maybe by showing some will to make things a bit easier for her if she comes up with something that would help? She seems happy enough to talk about it, so that creates an opportunity to ask, she can still decide not to have any suggestion if she's uncomfortable with this.
Hi Trainspotter,
‘Turning the tables’ may sometimes help i.e. when you are told to ‘snap out of it,’ gently offer back ‘would you like to be told to snap out of it when you are suffering from Period pain, in the same way you have just told me to snap out of being Autistic?’
This may be quite a confrontational method of attempting to get someone to see things from someone else’s (your) perspective. However, sometimes it’s hard to find a way forward without daring to assert yourself as best you can sometimes? And sometimes people genuinely don’t realise what they are saying until you offer it back to them in a way that may help them to recognise their own behaviours, realise what they are thinking, and think about the things they are actually saying.
I still think this situation is worth mentioning to HR as it seems, to me, to be quite harassing actually. I am still entirely failing to understand why your Autism is even entering into any daily conversations with your colleagues, especially in such a negative way. It would be different if Autism was being brought up positively in order to understand and support you better at work. But, why does this woman think she has the right to even talk to you about something so personal to you in such a flippant, ignorant and judgemental way?
So, I still think her comments about Periods may be being used here to justify the unjustifiable. Perhaps she thinks that, by talking about something so personal to her (her Periods,) it somehow gives her the right to talk (bad mouth) about something so personal to you. But it doesn’t.
My fear is that you may be vulnerable here, in trying to understand her and understand her comments in ways that NTs may not be. By this I mean, an NT may spot a mile off when someone is simply being really inappropriate, when boundaries are being crossed, when someone is being unkind etc.; but, due to you being ND, you may not spot these situations as easily. And I would therefore be tempted to go to HR gently and openly in this way and offer to them that you may need help understanding this situation further and their advice about how to manage it.
My bet (hope) is that HR will recognise that this woman is actually being inappropriate in voicing these comments to you.
Having calmed down a bit now (!) from when I first posted, I hope I can explain a bit better as to what I didn't like about the woman in question's comments. It was that she didn't seem to understand at all about Autism. A lot of people seem to have the attitude (not just women, or women's problems may I add) that 'we all feel like that at times' in a way that says that the problems of Autism are quite trite Trying to say that I don't feel like that 'at times' but all the time, I find maddening. And then to be told by a colleague at work that her problems as a woman exceed my problems and that I should just snap out of it and try harder was not very helpful at all!