Published on 12, July, 2020
How do you make a decision?
It seems like a simple question, but I have spent my entire life not knowing how.
If I am asked "what would you like to do today?" I always respond with "I don't mind."
This has caused people to get annoyed with me at times as they always seem to decide for me and I get frustrated at nott being able to make a choice.
It is like my brain becomes a fog of possibilities, both realistic and ridiculous, and I find it almost impossible to focus on any one of them.
It is especially difficult if I have to make a decision when I am on my own and have no one to bounce an idea off as I will over analyse to the point that I end up either doing nothing or making a poor decision because I have talked myself out of the sensible choice. Sometimes I am even aware that I might be making a mistake but carry on regardless, as it feels almost like a compulsion.
So, does anyone have any useful strategies to help them make decisions and to make the "what would you like to do?" question not feel like it has no answer.
Hi grendalsbane,
Wow - you couldn't have raised a more pertinent issue for me. Everything you've said here applies to me. Seeming vague and indecisive to other people, over-analysing, always wanting to refer to other people to help me make important decisions, thinking myself out of sensible choices. I've done it for as long as I can remember, and still do it now.
For instance, I recently got the offer of a job specialising in work with autistic people - an area I want to work in, having worked in general special needs care for 12 years. Also, the hours suit me better, and don't involve weekend work. The salary is a bit better and the working conditions and perks are excellent. What's to be questioned? The location, though, meant I would need to get a car. Okay - I had enough in savings to buy a small car. No problem.
But I spent days and days agonising over it. Did I really want a car? Why didn't I stay put at my old job, which I liked even if it wasn't ideal? Why this? Why that? What if so-and-so? In the end, I spilled it all out on my Facebook page - because, although I knew what the right course of action was, I couldn't settle on it.
Various suggestions were put to me. Do a 'Pros and Cons' list was the main thing. The trouble with those is, I then have to 'weight' the value of each pro and each con - I can't just use one to offset another. Then I came on here and mentioned it... and the response was overwhelmingly the one that I knew to be right, anyway! It's almost as if I lacked the confidence to make that final decision. But even now that I'm set on it, I'm still questioning myself. I'm still analysing it from all possible angles. What if the car breaks down? What if I don't like the job? And so on and on and on...
Most people would regard this as 'dithering' or 'indecision' or 'chronic lack of confidence'. I think though, actually, it's part of my wiring that demands full and absolute assessment. I can't do spontaneity. I have to give a lot of thought to things. Someone said to me recently - just an acquaintance at a bereavement support group I was going to - 'You do tend to over-analyse things too much.' And that was just based on a few things I'd said over the weeks about caring for mum, and the things I'd done afterwards.
I'm not the best one, I'm afraid, to offer strategies. The one thing I have found, though, is that if I get a gut instinct about something, or about a person or situation, my gut is generally proved right. I've turned down so many really good opportunities in my life - for education, for travel - because I've ignored my gut and listened to my head. Or... listened to other people and allowed myself to be persuaded by those who suggest the path of least resistance (i.e. better the devil you know than the devil you don't).
Comfort in numbers, at least
Good topic!
Tom
PS 'Change', at least for me, is also a big issue to consider. Big decisions invariably involve change - something that I don't like, and which takes me a long time to get used to.,
I can totally relate to the stresses of changing jobs and a few months back I did the same.
I went through exactly the same worries, such as what if I do like it or I am not any good at it etc. I really had to force myself to go through with it and really relax as such until I had gotten through my first day and realised all my concerns were for nothing.
Change has the same impact on me also. I try to be positive about it at first but that knot of worry with creep in the closer I get to the change until I get to the point that I just want things to stay the same as "sameness" feels safe.
There is definitely comfort in numbers, knowing I am not the only one :)
Thanks both for your responses