Published on 12, July, 2020
So I was Diagnosed with HF ASD Sub-type in 2015 (16yo at the time, 18yo).
I am being reassessed again hopefully before september as I am going to universiy, to study psychology, coincidentally.
So I was given the AQ and EQ tests, a well being test an what appears to be an ADHD screening test.
I have already done the AQ and EQ, SQ and Reading The Mind in The Eyes
AQ: 34/50
EQ: 76/80
SQ: 123/150
RTMiTE: 35/36
So clearly my autism is a strange presentation, I look online and there is nothing, just lack of empathy, lack of TOM, and I have all these, no I have these and they work better than most NTs!
Well my friend, my only friend that is. Countless times accuses me of being psychic, and I mean no I am certainly not, I am just a little unnerving sometimes, especially when it is over the phone or messages, and I know and "hit the nail right on the head". I get told I do that a lot. When I was in secondary school I was always withdrawn and shy, and awkward. All my teachers picked up on my Empathy, it's depth, how I could assume anyone's perspective. One of my Teacher was also head of the Schools Gifted/Talented Programme, they picked up on the empathy, It is almost as if I am gifted in Empathy, and I mean I am mediocre at Maths, at written language, I'm not exactly spatially aware. However, everything has been pooled in abstract/conceptual reasoning and Theory of Mind. I think very laterally, not because I choose to, but because I can't think any other way, I approach engineering problems by thinking about how different engineers think how to do it. For example, or what is the nature of our ability to reason these problems and why has this created a bridge in this shape, irrelevant of the physical constraints?
I mean I do have ASD associated symptoms, I have trouble reciprocating social behaviour, not because I don't understand social interaction but because I am so overwhelmed by it. I was never an innocent child, not one point in my childhood was I not painfully aware of the nature of the people around me, people's eyes are terrifying pits where if I gaze to long than I lose myself for a couple of days, they can also be the most beautiful thing in the world, genuine. I catch myself thinking and acting like people who are not me, and I have to fight back to myself. So eye-contact and socially engaged behaviour is best avoided, I mean of course I function socially, but I can't or won't put myself any further. I also miss a few social cues, because usually I am not facing the person, but is this anymore than the average person?
I am also very hypersensitive, to light, to sound and to olfactory stimuli. I should also note my interests are fairly narrow, being psychology, forensic psychology... so not too narrow, more like very broad. I suppose Neuroscience and Medical stuff are also areas of interest, originally I wanted to be a doctor but my mental health slashed my A-levels down to 3Bs so I am studying psychology instead, get qualified in the relevant area, maybe teach when I most definitely will burn out.
My mannerism are awkward, I am aloof and I am blunt, because I would rather be seperate from people, unless I care about them, and then I might become too attached, I end up blurring with them.
Coincedentally, my humour is dry as a bone, and too sarcastic that even I lose track of the sarcasm occasionally! and I love animals, most of the day is spent talking to my pets right now.
My friend and I were watching Hannibal (TV show) and Will Graham, she accused me of being on a TV show, becoming an actor, I am on the other side of the uncanny valley for this character, haha my dog decided this was the opportune time to jump in between us... So now I was amazed myself because finally a human being who's mind was directly identifiable as like-me. No Empathy needed, I didn't have to leave my mind to understand the characters. Now I have to watch the show routinely otherwise I convince myself I am all sorts of things I am not.
But of Course they are a fictional character, and long nights of searching the internet, research and blogs and books I have found no one quite like me and like the character Will Graham, I wish I could be like most people with aspergers sometimes. I don't want to change who I am, I just want people to say I am autistic for sure, or no I am not. If I can get over the hurdle of accepting how I think, who I am, then I can make myself feel better.
Sounds a lot like me too, I'm male, in my mid-fifties & was only officially diagnosed a few weeks ago.
I am often accused of being quite blunt (which I prefer to think of as truthful), but at least I am aware of exactly what I am saying, whereas I often observe other people making quite insulting remarks without even being aware of it. I've alway found it odd that adults often try to use the defence that they only said something bad 'In the Heat of the Moment', when I would never say anything that I didn't mean, regardless of how angry I was at the time.
I've always had the hyper-sensory thing too, especially with hearing, although middle-age & tinnitus mean it isn't quite as acute now. I generally avoid eye-contact as I find it a bit too intense/personal & in normal social interactions, I only make occasional brief eye-contact, since I know that other people expect it. The only exception is when I am trying to chat someone up, but then intense/personal is exactly the effect you want!
I've also noticed that I can often recognise good friends from a long distance away just by the way they walk. It's not something I do consciously, I just seem to gradually memorise the rhythm of how they move.
Regarding the ability to read body language, tone of voice etc, I've never really had a problem with that either. Quite often I am a bit over sensitive & pick up on things people were trying to hide, especially 'freudian slips' when people accidentally use phrases that indirectly imply their true feelings. I generally try to avoid watching Politicians on TV, as I often find their nauseating insincerity a bit too over powering, especially people like 'Tony Blair', who I disliked from the moment I saw him (despite being a Labour supporter myself).
Over the last few years I've suffered quite badly from depression & following failed attempts at conevntional therapies, my therapist recommended to my doctor that I was formally assessed for ASD. I discussed the whole 'body language thing' with my therapist several times & my theory is that somehow my methodology for interpreting these things is more analytical, whereas for most other people it is instinctual, i.e 'Digital vs Analague'. It's just impossible for me to tell, because it's something I have always done & therefore feels completely natural to me.
To be honest, having a diagnosis won't make that much difference to me, probably due to me already being far too old & set in my ways. The main reason I agreed to the assessment was that my doctor thought it would help in finding ways to deal with my depression.
Quite a few people that I know think my ASD diagnosis must be wrong & I'm somehow just a bit eccentric instead, but I think that's mainly because I don't fit their media stereotype of what ASD looks like. In the same way as they often struggle to see how people with ASD might see the world differently, I find it hard to imagine what it would be like to not automatically analyse everything looking for patterns.
I suppose what I am saying is that as long as being on the spectrum isn't stopping you from enjoying your life, then why does it matter?
People are so fond of using the term 'Normal' when semantically what they actually mean is 'Average', but who aspires to be that?