People Turning Up Unannounced

I am lucky in the sense that I live with my parents, still, so them turning up unannounced isn't an issue for me. Space and time alone causes me a huge amount of stress at times, though.

i hate folk turning up too. even my parents. ive always been like this and im nearly 38. It has to be planned wayyyy ahead and i still cant settle at that . 

I don't blame you for telling them that. I tend not to open the door unless I am expecting someone. I never open the door to cold-callers and I often quickly put the phone down on them too. 

God yes.  I HATE it.  Absolutely cannot deal With It.  Feel totally unprepared.  I'm ok if I know what is happening and can mentally prepare, but I hate people just arriving on my doorstep.  Even if it's just to read the gas/electric meter.  Sometimes I've told them, "Sorry, now is not a good time".  

Thanks again for your comments, Telstar. Any other comments are greatly appreciated too.

I wish I could reveal how I feel to more of my family, but I think I would be accused of being difficult, or making excuses for my life. It's very difficult to change who you are as a person. I don't want to appear difficult towards people, but I am tired of trying to accomodate other people all the time when they don't reciprocate.

I can identify with what you say, Paddy, as I am the same, not going out very often unless I have to. There is the option of telling other people about your ASC, and they might be very understanding, but that's something you'd know best as to if that would be a good thing them knowing.  Apart from that, I can't think of anything else.  Perhaps another member might have had similar difficulties (especially as it's one of the major things people with autism have problems with), and has a brilliant solution.

Anyone else here who can help us?   

Thank you very much for your advice Telstar. Unfortunately, my family is not of the supportive variety in many ways. Their needs tend to outweigh others, particularly mine. My parents do try, but they just find it very difficult to see things from my point of view, other than my father, who I suspect is also on the spectrum.

I live at home, and, because of disability don't go out much, and, with my parents being elderly, they don't go out a lot either, so that option isn't available. Because we are in all the time, I think it's taken for granted that they don't need to phone when they come over, even though I would consider that only polite to do.

I often do leave the room, or stay upstairs when they come here, yes, and I find it much more calming than being around them, although I do try to make an appearance more often than not, because I don't want to appear rude to them. Family is important to me, but, sometimes, I find life a lot easier when I am alone.

Thanks again.

Hi again Paddy,

It's a shame that nobody else knows about your ASC, as they might take time to understand a bit more if they did.  I'm waiting for my assessment (due in 6 weeks), and I've only informed immediate family and a couple of cousins that I'm having one, but they've been very supportive, so sometimes it might be that people do understand.  I don't know if I'll be diagnosed with an ASC yet, but the AQ, EQ, SQ-R and Alexithymia tests I've done online have all read in the affirmative.

I'm trying to think if there is another way of asking people to give you prior notice of a visit - perhaps you could say that if they contact you beforehand, you can make sure that you stay in, and are not about to go out/are out when they call.  I know it's a poor idea, but it might make them stop and think.

The other thing is, can you go somewhere in the house when people visit, just so you're alone for a few minutes?  I sometimes do this, and find it can really help.  Obviously you can't do this if you live alone, but if someone else is there to talk to visitors, it might give you a much needed break.

Sorry I can't be more constructive about it, but as you say, it's nice to know that there are many of us who have the same problems with our routines being changed.  Perhaps other forum members might have some tips of their own.

Thank you for your post Telstar. Unfortunately, other than my parents (and they don't make much of an effort to take my needs into account, either), no one knows that I have an ASC, and I have a feeling I would be ridiculed if I did reveal it to everyone. I wish I could ask everyone who comes here to let me know they are coming, but, to the vast majority of people, chance encounters and turning up whenever you feel like it seems perfectly normal. To me, it really messes with my mind and my mood.

I can relate to how sudden changes make you depressed, because it makes me feel the same way. I just wish that neurotypical people could see things from the point of view of others. I don't know if others would agree with me, but many neurotypical people I know seem to be very egocentric. They never seem to think how their actions affect other people, whereas, I am always considering my actions toward others so I can appear "normal" to them.

It's nice to know that other people see things the way I do.

Hi Paddy,

I can indentify with this too, as I find it really difficult to change my plans and my routines.  I have set things I do during certain days, or in the evening (for example, Friday is my "radio night", because there are so many good programmes on!), and I hate it if I have to change it.

The only time I seem to be able to cope with it is if I have several days notice of a change, and then the several day time period makes it easier to accept - although I still really don't like my routine being changed most times.  If my routine is suddenly changed I can go into a sort of depression, though given time, I can then accept the change, though grudgingly.

I imagine this is to do with people with an ASC disliking change, and very much preferring routine - then there are no surprises.

I really agree with you that people should think about their actions, and give others plenty of notice of their actions, at least for those of us on the spectrum.  Perhaps the visitors could be made aware of how an ASC affects you, so perhaps in future they can give advance notice of their visits?

I do very much understand what you're saying though - it's one of the things I find very hard to cope with.