Published on 12, July, 2020
So since I was young I always knew I was different. I didn't start talking until a lot later than other kids, I always struggled with social interactions, and there are a great many reasons why I recently have come to the belief that I have always had aspergers (I'm a 27 year old man to provide context). As I have got older I have learned many of societies rules, and I think I actually function pretty well now, at least on the outside, on the inside I feel like I am constantly managing an array of filters, filtering what goes in (at least trying to) and filtering what goes out so I don't inadvertently offend or upset someone. It's tiring...
Anyway, I realise that what I am doing most likely isn't helpful, but I feel I have to do something. I think I've become a bit obsessed with Aspergers, I've read a load about it and watched hours of videos, I always do this, when something interests me I spend hours studying it, I can't break out of it, it's like I'm drawn to it. It's one of the many things that makes me think I have Aspergers, but now it appears that Aspergers is the focus of my current obsession.
The issue is that now I have studied things I have reached the point that I am almost totally convinced I fit the bill, so much so that I now make most things fit, I can't be sure that this is what I am doing, or if things actually do fit and I'm just recognising it, I also have a problem where when I believe something I can find a tremendous amount of supporting evidence, I have done this before and later been proved to be wrong, so I accept that is a possibility in this instance.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
Hello Forest!
First I want to thank you for your reply. It would have been helpful for you if I would have separated between your private life and your job, because that are totally different situations. Normally anyone has some kindness in the job, even if you dislike the people you are interacting with. So my ideas relate to your privacy. When you are working, it is normally easy not to think about anything you feel or you want to express. You can be kind with a "mask" that fits to everyone. By these means they are not considered as the "problem", because you are creating some space around the people and do not become increasingly attached to them. That saves energy you will need in contact to people to whom you have or you want to have some kind of relationship. This way, you will not need filters to behave the way like you think people expect you should behave. May be it sounds like being some kind of robot, but it is something like driving a car; an automatic will free you from steady thoughts of having the right gear.
Expressing emotions is a wide field. A lot of people will express feelings they think they really feel. In a friendship for example you won't show what you feel, you show the expectations you have towards your friend and the expectations you will be able to fulfill. If you feel a lack to be able of emotional expressions, especially for near relatives, you should realize also another point of view.
There is a difference between the inside and outside of a person. If I tell someone that he is my friend, I will see the inside, what is within. So I have my own ideas of what is within. There is no need for him to try to explain himself and his personality. If he will not be able to express what I am thinking of his inside, what does it change? It is in my head what he was, is and what he will be to me. There is no need to recast his personality to my "needs". Because if I will do so, he is not the right one I have choosen as a friend.
I want to say some words about cold and clinical angles of view. When I was studying psychology and psychotherapy, us were always told, that we have to stay in distance to clients and their problems for an objective assessment. In the first years of my career I did so, until the day I had to find out what it means to be hurt real bad, to feel all the pain and grief you were not even able to think about before. I had to find out that I was able to be emphatic, to feel with the clients without loosing objective assessment. That is a difficult part to learn for you. If you become emotional, of what you will be proud of, and there will be no response or a bad response, you will be wounded deeply. But then you shall not give up, because to show emotions mostly means to loose. Many people only behave on the surface, they do not look within. You do not have to take it as a problem on your side, as a fault of the right form of your expressions. Just put it behind yourself! It is just an experience, even if it is a bad one. Sometimes it may require co-authorship, a coach or friend, who can offer reflection, active listening and clarification. I will hope you have one.
With kind regards
Alexander