Asperger's is becoming an obsession for me.

ForestP

You sound exactly like me, Im on the tail-end of the diagnostic process. I should know on Friday but Im pretty much self-diagnosed. I also spent a lot of time intensely focussed on what high functioning autism is which drove me crazy most days because I would think I have managed to distract myself and two minutes later Im back on the subject. 

Try as much as you can to distract yourself, do something that interests you and put it to the back of your mind (Easier said than done however)

As I say at the moment Im self diagnosed, I think Im going to be confused if they tell me its not ASD as I have so many traits, my recent AQ was 47/50 (Which surprised me as it was so high) 

Speak to your GP and explain everything, they should refer you to see a psychologist then. Good luck.

Thanks for that Alexander,

This certainly gives me some things to think about, I really don't know if my under-developed emotional capacity is a result of not feeling enough love and attention when I was younger, or if the lack of feeling love and attention when I was younger was due to my under-developed emotional capacity. I suppose the cause doesn't really matter.

That is a good point you make about solving people's problems. I think I maybe worry about things too much, I get stuck calculating all the possible outcomes of things. Trying to relax and go with the flow is difficult. I will make an effort to get some social contacts.

The part of the Email you shared is like poetry, it's very good, congratulations to whoever wrote it.

Regards,

Forest

Hello Forest!

 All of us will have something like drawers in our brain. They are for standards, so that we can act without consider about how to behave. We would be overwhelmed, if we ponder about our perception and how to react to. When we grow up, we build these drawers from time to time. We do this by coping or by learning. Coping means what you are often doing, if you react that way like you can see others will react that way in this situation. Learning means, you will behave in a way that will be accepted from most people, so you are adjusted. For example, if someone will visit you with his small children, you will behave with the children in a real different way than to the adults; that is automatic related to the drawers in our brain.

But this system, which is supporting us in a fine way can become a problem always then, when we have exceptional situations. When you grew up, your parents tried to learn about your needs by your behave. So if you mostly behaved non-expressive, they also will behave more and more non-expressive in contact with you. We call it "that they will think that you are thinking" this way. If you never rectified there behave in such situations, they will become sure, that it is the best way to behave with you and that you will feel fine by that. And we have a joke about this. There is a little boy sitting with his parents at the breakfast table. All his live, he has never said a word to anyone. Suddenly he says, where is the salt? His parents were totally confused and his father said, you can speak, why haven't you said a word before? And the son answered, because I was never missing something. That means, you can become used to a form of behave, that even can be stupid, but no one rectified in the past. Have you been satisfied with the behave of your parents by showing it at the outside, no matter it was looking at the inside? People with any kind of autism tend to accept the easiest way in any interaction.

You feel that people like you, if you're solving their problems. But could it be, that they will like the problems solved instead of you? I think, that you will dislike if somebody will burden you with his problems. But that is part of your autism and it does not mean that you should behave the same. You are the one who needs help to solve your problems. If you ask, whom you can assist or help, the place around you will be overcrowded; but if you ask, is there anybody who can assist me, take a look around, mostly there is empty space. You can't imagine, how important it is to talk about your problems without any thought of becoming a burden to someone. It is the only way to express yourself by words, until you're able to express yourself face to face. A friend of mine is asperger autist. At the beginning he was able to face me to say hello, he had to turn his head down. For me it made no sense to force him to talk to me. So I wrote him by E-Mail and even that needed time on his side. After nearly two years we had exchanged 429 mail before we started to talk to each other from time to time. He is still not expressive in a "normal" way, but now there is no reason anymore to hesitate to talk with him.

If you will behave on your status quo, nothing will change. The contact with a therapist is okay, but there you are in a protected area. He will assist you in many ways, nobody else can do, but he is no social contact for you.

For how much an autist can express even in the beginning I will fill in a part of an E-Mail I received.

"You've overlooked me all the weeks. In your proximity I will burn up if I inhale and freeze to death if I exhale. Icicles are growing into my heart that lashes around rebellious. Only the basics of hope, who loads heavier than anxiety. I am tired of hope again and again to try out an optimistic pose, to withstand what I can't stand. I am tired of the mendacious endurance gauges, with whom I sentence myself to live every day. Go up! Do not let yourself hang! Head up! And then? Another day where nothing will change.

Then in the evening I will stay sleepless in my bed and the bed will become a ship, that will sink in the storm of my thoughts. And I will fall, fall deeper and deeper, until you will catch me on the bottom of my night sea to swim with me against the river. But hardly the day drew, you will disappear my imaginary friend und the sea will spew me back into my night."

Regards

Alexander

Thanks for the information Claire. I need to work out whether I want this first, I don’t really know at the moment, it seems like a lot of trouble, and at the end, it feels that although it may feel like it changes everything, in fact, nothing does change.

Alexander, thank you again for your well thought out response.

I struggle with friends, always have, I only seem to be become friends with people who have problems. I think this is because I feel by solving their problems they will like me, it’s also the only kind of interaction I am actually comfortable with. It’s the one that I grew up with, my immediate relatives still only show me affection by rewarding me when I do things for them. I have got used to this and understand what is expected of me.

Your description of a friend is a nice one, there are very few people like that in the world.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it makes sense. You are right, most people just behave on the surface. I do have someone to talk to, I can talk to my wife, it’s just hard sometimes as I do not wish to burden others with my issues and I struggle to express what I am thinking and feeling. That’s why I hired a therapist which has helped quite a lot, although I always get to the stage where I feel I am going around in circles.

Regards,

Forest

Hello Forest!

First I want to thank you for your reply. It would have been helpful for you if I would have separated between your private life and your job, because that are totally different situations. Normally anyone has some kindness in the job, even if you dislike the people you are interacting with. So my ideas relate to your privacy. When you are working, it is normally easy not to think about anything you feel or you want to express. You can be kind with a "mask" that fits to everyone. By these means they are not considered as the "problem", because you are creating some space around the people and do not become increasingly attached to them. That saves energy you will need in contact to people to whom you have or you want to have some kind of relationship. This way, you will not need filters to behave the way like you think people expect you should behave. May be it sounds like being some kind of robot, but it is something like driving a car; an automatic will free you from steady thoughts of having the right gear.

Expressing emotions is a wide field. A lot of people will express feelings they think they really feel. In a friendship for example you won't show what you feel, you show the expectations you have towards your friend and the expectations you will be able to fulfill. If you feel a lack to be able of emotional expressions, especially for near relatives, you should realize also another point of view.

There is a difference between the inside and outside of a person. If I tell someone that he is my friend, I will see the inside, what is within. So I have my own ideas of what is within. There is no need for him to try to explain himself and his personality. If he will not be able to express what I am thinking of his inside, what does it change? It is in my head what he was, is and what he will be to me. There is no need to recast his personality to my "needs". Because if I will do so, he is not the right one I have choosen as a friend.

I want to say some words about cold and clinical angles of view. When I was studying psychology and psychotherapy, us were always told, that we have to stay in distance to clients and their problems for an objective assessment. In the first years of my career I did so, until the day I had to find out what it means to be hurt real bad, to feel all the pain and grief you were not even able to think about before. I had to find out that I was able to be emphatic, to feel with the clients without loosing objective assessment. That is a difficult part to learn for you. If you become emotional, of what you will be proud of, and there will be no response or a bad response, you will be wounded deeply. But then you shall not give up, because to show emotions mostly means to loose. Many people only behave on the surface, they do not look within. You do not have to take it as a problem on your side, as a fault of the right form of your expressions. Just put it behind yourself! It is just an experience, even if it is a bad one. Sometimes it may require co-authorship, a coach or friend, who can offer reflection, active listening and clarification. I will hope you have one.

With kind regards

Alexander

If you do intend to be assessed, you should be aware there's usually a very long waiting list. With no fast tracking priority given to your case. Once you've been referred, it can take many months to be seen. Then the assessment itself can take several visits & depending on availability that can add a few more months. Even if they are prepared to give you a diagnosis at the final appointment, it can take a few more months to receive a report from them about your assessment. If you are considering assessment, you may want to start the process now. As it could be a long wait.

Thanks for your reply Alexander.

I think I have found myself, what disapoints me is that a lot of people aren't prepared to accept that. It isn't everyone, I am married now and my wife is very understanding and helpful, although I do wish sometimes I was more emotionally available than I am. I don't express emotion very well, and I can come at things from a very cold and clinical angle, which can be helpful sometimes, but in emotional situations often doesn't go down all that well.

I have a job, I need to put on an act there, I tried being myself before in previous jobs and it hasn't gone very well for me. With my wife's family I have to try and mask myself so they don't dislike me. I don't want everyone to be my friend, but in certain situations having people like you makes life easier.

I appreciate your take on things, thank you.

Forest

Thanks for the response,

I did as many online assessments as I could find, they all return results along the lines of it being likely that I have some form of autism.

I probably should speak to me GP, I spoke about some of the things that lead me to start investigating autism before and I was told that I am normal and its just my character and there isn't anything wrong with that. I may make another apointment and bring up ASD.

To have Asperger (AS) is in your case a finding that is based on your own experience. But because it is not a medical finding, it seems that you have never asked for, or got any assistance on this question. So I have to take care to find the right words, because you should take my words just as what they are meant.

You say, you have learned society rules. It says, you were never sure to act or react by your own ideas or wishes, you have always done of what you have thougt it may be right; it may be like others would expect it from you. That's why you think you will "function" pretty well. But this way you will always be doubtful and hesitant because there are too many shades of grey between black and white your brain will be able to filter, regardless of the time you will need.

Asperger means, that you will have another view in feelings and social response than other people. That's what you have to accept and to arrange with. You say that a steady "filtering" of input and output is tiring. But more significant is, that important social contacts become some kind of hard work instead of relaxation.

You should not try to find out about AS as much as possible. Asperger is such a wide variety of different of manifestations, you will never find something, that exactly fits. I knew hundreds of people with asperger, but never met equal ones.

You must not fit to the ideas of others. You can not show feelings you don't have and you must not be every ones darling, so you must not be aware to offend or upset someone. All the things you were talking about will consume all the energy you'll need for normal life. At now you live on a crossroads and you have to find the safe location of which you can find a way that does not mean two steps ahead and three steps back.

Normally it is the right way to find support for this way because just an advice, you have asked for, will not really help. And you will need contacts (they must not be friends) who will accept you, the way you are. Not only you will have to pay attention to others, also others have to pay attention to you. You cannot find an easy world, where everyone will accept you and no protected area outside.

So find out who you are, what you are able of, what you can feel. And what you can't feel don't emulate; it will be a shot backwards that could offend and upset someone who takes it like he thinks you could have meant.

It's not an advice, that has to look different; but there are some ideas you should think about.

ForestP said:

So since I was young I always knew I was different. I didn't start talking until a lot later than other kids, I always struggled with social interactions, and there are a great many reasons why I recently have come to the belief that I have always had aspergers (I'm a 27 year old man to provide context). As I have got older I have learned many of societies rules, and I think I actually function pretty well now, at least on the outside, on the inside I feel like I am constantly managing an array of filters, filtering what goes in (at least trying to) and filtering what goes out so I don't inadvertently offend or upset someone. It's tiring...

Anyway, I realise that what I am doing most likely isn't helpful, but I feel I have to do something. I think I've become a bit obsessed with Aspergers, I've read a load about it and watched hours of videos, I always do this, when something interests me I spend hours studying it, I can't break out of it, it's like I'm drawn to it. It's one of the many things that makes me think I have Aspergers, but now it appears that Aspergers is the focus of my current obsession.

The issue is that now I have studied things I have reached the point that I am almost totally convinced I fit the bill, so much so that I now make most things fit, I can't be sure that this is what I am doing, or if things actually do fit and I'm just recognising it, I also have a problem where when I believe something I can find a tremendous amount of supporting evidence, I have done this before and later been proved to be wrong, so I accept that is a possibility in this instance.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

Hi,

You say you've done research but have you taken any online assessments for autism?

If you feel you may have Asperger's you should discuss it with your GP, support worker or healthcare provider. They may feel you should be assessed. Only a qualified professional can make a formal diagnosis. As there are many health conditions that can mimic others. It may be autism but they would need to rule out other possibilities.

I was diagnosed later in life, probably due to my avoidance of people. A support worker referred me, as he saw autism traits in me. I was unaware of what autism was.