Published on 12, July, 2020
So since I was young I always knew I was different. I didn't start talking until a lot later than other kids, I always struggled with social interactions, and there are a great many reasons why I recently have come to the belief that I have always had aspergers (I'm a 27 year old man to provide context). As I have got older I have learned many of societies rules, and I think I actually function pretty well now, at least on the outside, on the inside I feel like I am constantly managing an array of filters, filtering what goes in (at least trying to) and filtering what goes out so I don't inadvertently offend or upset someone. It's tiring...
Anyway, I realise that what I am doing most likely isn't helpful, but I feel I have to do something. I think I've become a bit obsessed with Aspergers, I've read a load about it and watched hours of videos, I always do this, when something interests me I spend hours studying it, I can't break out of it, it's like I'm drawn to it. It's one of the many things that makes me think I have Aspergers, but now it appears that Aspergers is the focus of my current obsession.
The issue is that now I have studied things I have reached the point that I am almost totally convinced I fit the bill, so much so that I now make most things fit, I can't be sure that this is what I am doing, or if things actually do fit and I'm just recognising it, I also have a problem where when I believe something I can find a tremendous amount of supporting evidence, I have done this before and later been proved to be wrong, so I accept that is a possibility in this instance.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
To have Asperger (AS) is in your case a finding that is based on your own experience. But because it is not a medical finding, it seems that you have never asked for, or got any assistance on this question. So I have to take care to find the right words, because you should take my words just as what they are meant.
You say, you have learned society rules. It says, you were never sure to act or react by your own ideas or wishes, you have always done of what you have thougt it may be right; it may be like others would expect it from you. That's why you think you will "function" pretty well. But this way you will always be doubtful and hesitant because there are too many shades of grey between black and white your brain will be able to filter, regardless of the time you will need.
Asperger means, that you will have another view in feelings and social response than other people. That's what you have to accept and to arrange with. You say that a steady "filtering" of input and output is tiring. But more significant is, that important social contacts become some kind of hard work instead of relaxation.
You should not try to find out about AS as much as possible. Asperger is such a wide variety of different of manifestations, you will never find something, that exactly fits. I knew hundreds of people with asperger, but never met equal ones.
You must not fit to the ideas of others. You can not show feelings you don't have and you must not be every ones darling, so you must not be aware to offend or upset someone. All the things you were talking about will consume all the energy you'll need for normal life. At now you live on a crossroads and you have to find the safe location of which you can find a way that does not mean two steps ahead and three steps back.
Normally it is the right way to find support for this way because just an advice, you have asked for, will not really help. And you will need contacts (they must not be friends) who will accept you, the way you are. Not only you will have to pay attention to others, also others have to pay attention to you. You cannot find an easy world, where everyone will accept you and no protected area outside.
So find out who you are, what you are able of, what you can feel. And what you can't feel don't emulate; it will be a shot backwards that could offend and upset someone who takes it like he thinks you could have meant.
It's not an advice, that has to look different; but there are some ideas you should think about.