Dealing with People One to One or in Numbers

Tom, this all makes sense because the more people you are among the more varying sensory inputs there will be, which you find too much to handle, but it is much easier to focus on one or two people. And when you are controlling the situation performing stand-up poetry you are having to concentrate on what you are saying and the meaning of what you are saying rather than having to process what the audience is doing. I suppose it's like when you are in a crowded train and manage to get into a novel or something which you find particulary compelling and filter out extraneous noises, etc. 

Thank you everyone for your replies - they are very interesting and helpful.

Ardmark  - since suspecting I might have an Autistic Spectrum Condition I have been creating a huge library of books on the subject. It is certainly not unusual for me to become interested in a subject and then feel I have to read everything written on it. Autism was especially so, as it might explain some of the questions I have had about myself through out life.

I really enjoyed the idea of a social bucket - that really sums up how it felt on the day. It is also important I think, to understand that it is both verbal and non verbal that fill the bucket. Thinking about it, I manage the actually speaking ok cause I can script that. I do not have that with the non-verbal especially with strangers.  Thanks for sharing that lostmyway.

Pixiefox, a couple of days rest is always welcomed and like I mentioned in my orginal post I can feel a totally different person then what I do after a few days at work. Since suspecting I might be autistic, I have tried to be more true to myself and work collegues have noticed the odd difference. I am trying to get the balance of fitting in right. I do not go to work social events too and I get a lot of comments about this. I agree roll on retirement!

Once again thanks everyone.....

Hi Wellington 

Yeah, social exhaustion is definitely an Aspie trait. Just doing my normal day to day job is quite tiring for me. I also feel much better after a few days off.

I too can do presentations,  but really don't feel comfortable dealing with more than a couple of people at a time. I also find the stress is exacerbated by being in an unfamiliar setting.

The difference between us and neurotypical (NT) people is that we all start out (as babies)  being very sensitive to stimulus, however by the time they are adults NTs brains have learned to filter sensory inputs, allowing them to ignore all the information coming in through their senses apart from that which they want to concentrate on. In addition, the sensory input is dulled by their brain, enabling them to not be overwhelmed. I don't need to tell you that this doesn't happen, or happens to a lesser degree, to people on the autistic spectrum (you only have to watch the "too much information" video on this website). 

Many of us train ourselves to act in a neurotypical way, so we come across as fairly confident social beings. I find this sometimes means that people think they "know" me when they haven't really got a clue. 

To an NT, a confident looking, smiling person is "friendly" whereas a person who avoids eye contact and has a sad or blank expression is "unfriendly" i.e. not to be trusted, a potential enemy. People with strong neurotypical personalities see everyone as either "friend" or "enemy" via their judgement of the person's appearance and behaviour. This is how people with strongly neurotypical personalities decide who they want to be friends with. It's not a conscious thing, it's automatic and just how their brain is "wired". 

The problem is that if we present as typically autistic - with the sad looking / blank expression and poor eye contact, it usually means we are anxious, not unfriendly, but it can hinder us in forming relationships. I guess most of us posting on here probably fall somewhere in-between and have some days where we're more "autistic"  than others. 

I'm lucky to be married to another Aspie and also have an Aspie best friend, and now I'm middle aged I no longer want a "social life" - I'm happier at home. I refuse invitations for all work social events - even lunch time ones - now as I don't see the point of doing something I don't enjoy to please others, but I still sometimes encounter people who can't understand this. I can't wait to retire!  ;)

Wellington, somebody once likened socialising with other people to having a 'social bucket' in terms of having a certain capacity for social communication. If we say that average people possess a 'medium' size bucket then Aspies will generally only possess a below average bucket. What this means is that the Aspie bucket will fill up that much quicker than the average or large social bucket of other people and they will begin to find social situations stressful and hard to cope with. Because Aspies tend to experience acute sensory input, the more people they have to deal with the more difficult it is for them to process what is happening. This probably explains why you find interacting in a one-to-one situation more manageable than being in a larger group of people.

It seems to me that most people on the spectrum find it stressful dealing with other people, and generally prefer solitude or a close personal relationship to being part of a group. Whether that is a trait shared by neurotypical individuals I really don't know. NT people generally seem to gravitate towards group activity, and one can only surmise that most seem to enjoy it rather than just doing it to fit in.

My biggest problem is not in speaking to individuals on a one-to-one basis, because I find I can usually take a dominant role in any conversation and focus on a specific topic without getting drawn into general social discourse. What I find most difficult is dealing with small groups of people, because I invariably get shut out from the conversation as I just don't 'get' the underlying social comminication between the other people.

When it comes to public speaking, it's not surprising you find it easier than dealing with people individually if you do have any autisic traits, since one does not have any social interraction with the audience (providing you are just giving a speech, of course). I have only been in this sort of situation a few times, and have not found it too hard after getting over the initial stage-fright and fear of making a complete ass of myself.

So you may be on the spectrum but you seem to have coped with life rather well up to this point. I am currently considering whether to get a formal diagnosis, although I am in no doubt about having Asperger's myself. I would suggest you get a few books on the subject (if you haven't already done so), like Asperger's Syndrome and Anxiety - this really made me realize how much my life has been affected by having an ASD.