Published on 12, July, 2020
I am approaching my 47th birthday, (yet another birthday alone despite having a huge family) and although no less than three experts now think I am an Aspie, after waiting for my official testing day for over three years (after many decades of self-discovery and living Hell-On-Earth everyday) I chased up my testing to be told that I had waited too long and had to be reset, start the waiting period again. In that time I have become even more isolated from society than my norm, which was general isolation in the first place. Being a musician, I retreated into my headphones and I have stayed there for four years now. The shape of my head is actually changing because of this and no help from anyone.
So my question is, are there any other Aspies out there who can offer advice on coping with extreme isolation? After 10 years you kinda go numb, 15 years it becomes normal, but after 20 years of isolation now the only reason I do not kill myself is because I actually died in 1994 and had such a powerful NDE that I now believe karmically if I did kill myself I would have to start this hell all over again, so I endure, how do others endure?
What makes it worse is I had a very dangerous alcoholic Mother growing up, and being the eldest, I was the punch bag for her as I refused to let her hurt my sisters, so I always protected them, but at the cost of my own sanity as I was beaten, stabbed, you name it, but worst were the mind games, telling me every day I was worthless. Think “A Child Called It” and you are not far off. Now they are all safe and grown up, they ignore me completely, even though I saved them all from this monster who they visit every week, bit refuse to visit me, always claiming they are “too busy”, so I have got to the point where I wish to divorce my entire blood family, especially as I keep getting “forgotten” about when invites to family events are sent out.
What the hell is wrong with the “human” race? I have been treated like *** by nearly every person I have met my entire life, how do others cope with this?
Some vaccines have probably been poisonous but vaccines have saved many lives and prevented many people from developing terrible problems like polio. How many people do you know with polio? It used to be a common disease in this country. The MMR issue lead to a rise in people refusing to immunise their children and this lead to a rise in children suffering terrible consequences. The alleged surge in autism is more linked to the rise in recognition of the condition than anything else. I can trace my autism back through my family's eccentric members well before the MMR vaccine or anything like that was invented.
I used to get into a lot of battles but have found that I am much more chilled since diagnosis. I make a big effort to go with the flow and not pick fights. I also see that my inability to understand people contributes to misunderstandings and that leads to disputes. On the other hand, modern life can be brutal and companies seem incapable of dealing with people as human beings at times. Pick your fights but try not to fight everything.
I was told at diagnosis that the wellbeing of an individual with autism is primarily linked to their environment. If the environment is hostile and uncaring then you will not do well. If the environment is more agreeable then you may not have a problem. Autistic children are more sensitve to their upbringing than others and an unloving childhood can only have a lasting impact on the mental balance of the child. People can learn new ways of thinking and living though and I think it is possible to unpick one's past and try and understand why the bad things happened. If you can understand it then you might be able to move on and not let it spoil any more of your life than it already has.