Published on 12, July, 2020
I am approaching my 47th birthday, (yet another birthday alone despite having a huge family) and although no less than three experts now think I am an Aspie, after waiting for my official testing day for over three years (after many decades of self-discovery and living Hell-On-Earth everyday) I chased up my testing to be told that I had waited too long and had to be reset, start the waiting period again. In that time I have become even more isolated from society than my norm, which was general isolation in the first place. Being a musician, I retreated into my headphones and I have stayed there for four years now. The shape of my head is actually changing because of this and no help from anyone.
So my question is, are there any other Aspies out there who can offer advice on coping with extreme isolation? After 10 years you kinda go numb, 15 years it becomes normal, but after 20 years of isolation now the only reason I do not kill myself is because I actually died in 1994 and had such a powerful NDE that I now believe karmically if I did kill myself I would have to start this hell all over again, so I endure, how do others endure?
What makes it worse is I had a very dangerous alcoholic Mother growing up, and being the eldest, I was the punch bag for her as I refused to let her hurt my sisters, so I always protected them, but at the cost of my own sanity as I was beaten, stabbed, you name it, but worst were the mind games, telling me every day I was worthless. Think “A Child Called It” and you are not far off. Now they are all safe and grown up, they ignore me completely, even though I saved them all from this monster who they visit every week, bit refuse to visit me, always claiming they are “too busy”, so I have got to the point where I wish to divorce my entire blood family, especially as I keep getting “forgotten” about when invites to family events are sent out.
What the hell is wrong with the “human” race? I have been treated like *** by nearly every person I have met my entire life, how do others cope with this?
Thanks for the reply random, it is interesting to hear your experiences, your understanding of peoples empathy for animals I found interesting! They really kept me alive as a child, without them I honestly probably would not be here.
Yes, I am at that stage now I think where I am realizing that, like your co-workers, people only use you for things, when you take away that need they simply disappear.
You have given me food for thought for the future too, as I always wanted my own children, since I was 17, so going on 30 years now.
I practically raised my 3 little sisters myself as my Mother (an alcoholic Narcassist using prescription medication that if used on alcohol causes schizophrenic behaiviour as I researched in my college and care working years, I believe she is probably sociopath too) was always either down the pub or entertaining men, or too drunk to do anything or beating me up basically, so through all that I managed to raise my sisters and I did something right there at least, because they all have their own perfectly good functioning familys.
I spent a lot of time with them all, but distance has grown to the point now where no one visits exept on occassion my Aspergers Nephew, who no one else can handle, but who I find very polite and pleasant, go figure lol.