Published on 12, July, 2020
I am approaching my 47th birthday, (yet another birthday alone despite having a huge family) and although no less than three experts now think I am an Aspie, after waiting for my official testing day for over three years (after many decades of self-discovery and living Hell-On-Earth everyday) I chased up my testing to be told that I had waited too long and had to be reset, start the waiting period again. In that time I have become even more isolated from society than my norm, which was general isolation in the first place. Being a musician, I retreated into my headphones and I have stayed there for four years now. The shape of my head is actually changing because of this and no help from anyone.
So my question is, are there any other Aspies out there who can offer advice on coping with extreme isolation? After 10 years you kinda go numb, 15 years it becomes normal, but after 20 years of isolation now the only reason I do not kill myself is because I actually died in 1994 and had such a powerful NDE that I now believe karmically if I did kill myself I would have to start this hell all over again, so I endure, how do others endure?
What makes it worse is I had a very dangerous alcoholic Mother growing up, and being the eldest, I was the punch bag for her as I refused to let her hurt my sisters, so I always protected them, but at the cost of my own sanity as I was beaten, stabbed, you name it, but worst were the mind games, telling me every day I was worthless. Think “A Child Called It” and you are not far off. Now they are all safe and grown up, they ignore me completely, even though I saved them all from this monster who they visit every week, bit refuse to visit me, always claiming they are “too busy”, so I have got to the point where I wish to divorce my entire blood family, especially as I keep getting “forgotten” about when invites to family events are sent out.
What the hell is wrong with the “human” race? I have been treated like *** by nearly every person I have met my entire life, how do others cope with this?
Hi random,
I think about these sort of things too. There is a lot of history and mystery to unravel in my family and probably in yours too. I was lucky, my autistic father spent most of his time at work (worrying about keeping his job I expect) and left my non-autistic mother to bring us up.
My grandmother (not on the spectrum) had an awful time bringing up 4 kids who, in hindsight, were variously affected. She responded to the challenges of that by being very authoritarian and strict - she was catholic and she would have been supported in taking a strict line by the standards of their time and by the church that would have supported her in trying to keep the children in line. This upbringing was not appreciated by some of her children who, being well down the spectrum, did not comprehend the situation and rebelled and fought every inch of the way. The grandmother is still deeply resented for what she did but I don't know how a parent, who has no idea how to motivate an autistic child, would manage in those less enlightened times.
This autism thing makes you think doesn't it?