Published on 12, July, 2020
I am approaching my 47th birthday, (yet another birthday alone despite having a huge family) and although no less than three experts now think I am an Aspie, after waiting for my official testing day for over three years (after many decades of self-discovery and living Hell-On-Earth everyday) I chased up my testing to be told that I had waited too long and had to be reset, start the waiting period again. In that time I have become even more isolated from society than my norm, which was general isolation in the first place. Being a musician, I retreated into my headphones and I have stayed there for four years now. The shape of my head is actually changing because of this and no help from anyone.
So my question is, are there any other Aspies out there who can offer advice on coping with extreme isolation? After 10 years you kinda go numb, 15 years it becomes normal, but after 20 years of isolation now the only reason I do not kill myself is because I actually died in 1994 and had such a powerful NDE that I now believe karmically if I did kill myself I would have to start this hell all over again, so I endure, how do others endure?
What makes it worse is I had a very dangerous alcoholic Mother growing up, and being the eldest, I was the punch bag for her as I refused to let her hurt my sisters, so I always protected them, but at the cost of my own sanity as I was beaten, stabbed, you name it, but worst were the mind games, telling me every day I was worthless. Think “A Child Called It” and you are not far off. Now they are all safe and grown up, they ignore me completely, even though I saved them all from this monster who they visit every week, bit refuse to visit me, always claiming they are “too busy”, so I have got to the point where I wish to divorce my entire blood family, especially as I keep getting “forgotten” about when invites to family events are sent out.
What the hell is wrong with the “human” race? I have been treated like *** by nearly every person I have met my entire life, how do others cope with this?
Hi Beltane
Don't worry about the lateness of your reply, which was very kind. I just wanted to wish you a belated happy birthday and say that I hope things change for the better for you in the coming year.
I also used to live in a horrible neighbourhood. I had to leave my part time job as a special needs teaching assistant and get a full time job in an accounts office to earn enough to be able to move to a better area. It was hard work, but worth it.
Like you, I've always had a creative side. I enjoyed drawing and writing stories as a child and always had an "ear" for music - I taught myself to play rhythm guitar when I was 11 and my earliest ambition was to be a singer. As an adult I have written electronic music too.
Unfortunately there are many more talented and/or lucky people around who want to work in the music business and so I had to accept it would only ever be an enjoyable hobby. But doing what you enjoy has great value, whether you get paid for it or not.
By trying different jobs, I found that I was good at accounts, which is something I never thought I would end up doing when I was at school - I wasn't even good at maths! But my analytical mind and attention to detail make me good at accounts work, particularly spreadsheets. My creative side is also useful as I often come up with new ideas and better ways of doing things. I've had to stop myself trying to please other people all the time though otherwise I start to feel that my identity is being subsumed by them, if that makes sense. If I'm asked to do a task which is outside of my job description and I wouldn't be comfortable doing - like being asked recently if I could help with debt chasing - I now politely refuse and I also now politely turn down invitations to the work Christmas party / social events (people have now accepted it's not my "thing"). I find that the trick is to remind yourself not to care about what anyone else thinks, as it's self defeating, while being friendly and polite, and helpful when I can be to the people who are nice to me.
All the best
Pixie