Published on 12, July, 2020
I am approaching my 47th birthday, (yet another birthday alone despite having a huge family) and although no less than three experts now think I am an Aspie, after waiting for my official testing day for over three years (after many decades of self-discovery and living Hell-On-Earth everyday) I chased up my testing to be told that I had waited too long and had to be reset, start the waiting period again. In that time I have become even more isolated from society than my norm, which was general isolation in the first place. Being a musician, I retreated into my headphones and I have stayed there for four years now. The shape of my head is actually changing because of this and no help from anyone.
So my question is, are there any other Aspies out there who can offer advice on coping with extreme isolation? After 10 years you kinda go numb, 15 years it becomes normal, but after 20 years of isolation now the only reason I do not kill myself is because I actually died in 1994 and had such a powerful NDE that I now believe karmically if I did kill myself I would have to start this hell all over again, so I endure, how do others endure?
What makes it worse is I had a very dangerous alcoholic Mother growing up, and being the eldest, I was the punch bag for her as I refused to let her hurt my sisters, so I always protected them, but at the cost of my own sanity as I was beaten, stabbed, you name it, but worst were the mind games, telling me every day I was worthless. Think “A Child Called It” and you are not far off. Now they are all safe and grown up, they ignore me completely, even though I saved them all from this monster who they visit every week, bit refuse to visit me, always claiming they are “too busy”, so I have got to the point where I wish to divorce my entire blood family, especially as I keep getting “forgotten” about when invites to family events are sent out.
What the hell is wrong with the “human” race? I have been treated like *** by nearly every person I have met my entire life, how do others cope with this?
Appreciated, taking the time to give me some feedback Coogy. Your story sounds very familiar too me in many ways. It does help. Oh, and I am always brutally honest, probably why a lot of people can't take me. I have met a few other aspies, I actually looked after some autistic people in my younger care working days and connected so incredibly with them, that is what began my own research into it all, as I just do not connect at all with NT's (only just learned that term but I like it). I get on spectacularly with other Aspies I have met briefly, and also with people with borderline personality disorder for some reason, but NT's all have a hidden agenda with me and I get ripped off, screwed over, attacked, even survived not one, but two murder attempts, both due to the greed of NT's. Women treat me like dirt, and that of course is what is longed for most, a real relationship and family of my own.
I get counselling when I need it, always have, and I have studied psychology amongst other things, and my last counsller told me to be my own therapist.
I was born a very sweet soul with not a bad thought in my head, but life has turned me into a mysanthrope sadly. Life has also given me a deeply rebelious spirit that is only now really coming into it's own.
I have many talents, my latest addition is game designing, I have made electronic music for decades, it got played on the radio a couple of years ago, then I became a DJ with another radio station (all done at home through computers) my show got so popular they put me in the prime time slot on Saturdays after only 3 months. I took over the running of their magazine and made it a hundred times better. All this done voluntary, no money involved, then my boss (not the show owner, I liked him) said the wrong thing to me one day, tried to twist something in a public forum to cover his own laziness and tried to use me as a scapegoat. I have had that happen to me by too many bosses, so I emailed him and told him simply that I cannot work alongside someone who has that opinion of me, then I quit the station and took my own music website down. This sort of thing happens all the time, like a cycle.
I made incredible music videos using 3D animation, all sorts, I write books, poetry, I'm an artist, and a passionate creator, as well as an astrologer, yet I cannot make ANY money at all, I try and try, and the Universe seems to reject it, and of course not being a people person is the stumbling block. So I feel trapped, live in a horrid and dangerous neighbourhood that I block out with headphones all the time, and thats my life currently.
I would like to play music live but I need a job to get some more equipment and no one will employ me since I turned 40, everyone just wants young cheap labour.
I constantly battle huge corporations and big companies through email alone (I absolutely refuse to deal with them any other way) I have a total fear of phones.
But even just through email I have won approx 50% of my battles, which is pretty good for the small guy against the giants I think. I'm in my element there, but it exhausts me, I have chronic fatigue syndrome too, for 16 years, but have been fighting it to get physically fit again.
This life is just strange, to quote Jim Morrison, "The strangest life I have ever known."
I have managed to actually save seven lives and counting though, so my hell is at least for some purpose to the World.