Published on 12, July, 2020
I am approaching my 47th birthday, (yet another birthday alone despite having a huge family) and although no less than three experts now think I am an Aspie, after waiting for my official testing day for over three years (after many decades of self-discovery and living Hell-On-Earth everyday) I chased up my testing to be told that I had waited too long and had to be reset, start the waiting period again. In that time I have become even more isolated from society than my norm, which was general isolation in the first place. Being a musician, I retreated into my headphones and I have stayed there for four years now. The shape of my head is actually changing because of this and no help from anyone.
So my question is, are there any other Aspies out there who can offer advice on coping with extreme isolation? After 10 years you kinda go numb, 15 years it becomes normal, but after 20 years of isolation now the only reason I do not kill myself is because I actually died in 1994 and had such a powerful NDE that I now believe karmically if I did kill myself I would have to start this hell all over again, so I endure, how do others endure?
What makes it worse is I had a very dangerous alcoholic Mother growing up, and being the eldest, I was the punch bag for her as I refused to let her hurt my sisters, so I always protected them, but at the cost of my own sanity as I was beaten, stabbed, you name it, but worst were the mind games, telling me every day I was worthless. Think “A Child Called It” and you are not far off. Now they are all safe and grown up, they ignore me completely, even though I saved them all from this monster who they visit every week, bit refuse to visit me, always claiming they are “too busy”, so I have got to the point where I wish to divorce my entire blood family, especially as I keep getting “forgotten” about when invites to family events are sent out.
What the hell is wrong with the “human” race? I have been treated like *** by nearly every person I have met my entire life, how do others cope with this?
Hello Beltane and welcome,
Firstly, can I just say how honest your post was. Isolation is indeed a crippling condition and not one that those who are not on the spectrum completely understand or appreciate in my view.
I'm sorry that you have had such a hard time with getting your assessment, It's unaccptable that people are left so long. Is their any way you can file a complaint, because that does not seem right to me?
Like you, I had a traumatic early life, but following a considerable amount of therapy and of course my late diagnosis (I'm middle aged lets just put it that way.) My hope is that I can make the balance of my life happier, safer and more productive.
I hope you also find likeminded individuals on this forum. Please be assured their are nice people out there, they do exist.
When I was my most isolated, following the sudden death of my former partner, I guess I was very vunerable. I knew I was different and didn't manage as others did, but had no clue why. Since finding out, it has made life a lot easier. Somehow now I'm also a little kinder to myself. I still have dark days, but undertanding the reasons behind why I struggle, somehow this makes a difference.
In retrospect I should have applied some strategies to my life before I got the diagnosis. It would have helped me in so many ways and wouldn't have left me feeling in limbo for so long.
As an Aspie I was poorly placed to be able to see my own difficulties, introspection was never my strong point, but their are organisations out their who can help. The NAS helpline would be a good starting point to find a centre or group near you and I'm pretty sure you don't need to be diagnosed to access some of the support their is. Finding others on the spectrum, who understood the challenges and daily struggle of life has also been a great support for me. Before I felt alone, now I can commune with my own tribe, safe in the knowledge that i'm not alone and I do have something to offer.
When I look back on my dark period I see that I pushed people away with my neediness and depression. I didn't mean to, but the difficulty with being very low is that I just wasn't good company. I learned after a while that my condition was self- perpetuating my isolation, yet what I yearned for most was company, but the company I found wasn't always the right company. I learned that when asked how I was feeling, people didn't actually really want to know. Gradually I developed a mask, A happy face that I put on infront of others to fit in. Of course this is extremely tiring and really took it out of me. Learning to accept myself for who I am was a whole other lesson and now I try to be myself as much as I can. Far less exhausting.
If you can find a local group to you, it might increase your chances of finding someone to connect with. It's sad that your family don't find time for you and it's probably that they just dont understand.
With regard to past hurts I've had to make my piece with them. They were eating me up inside, which was very toxic and all for something that was beyond my power to change! A ridiculous position to put myself in, but I did it for years!
I'm not sure if a therapist would be a good option for you, but I found it helpful. It took me a long while to find the right one and although you don't have a diagnosis yet it maybe worth talking to a therapist who is Autism aware.
You are clearly tallented as you mentioned you are a musician. Do you play at any venues?
Finding connections isn't easy. It's even tougher from behind a closed door. Pushing yourself out that door and making an effort to conect has to be the first step of that journey. It took me years of fear and a shed load of bravery before I found the courage.
I hope my ramblings are of some help and wish you well.
Coogy