Published on 12, July, 2020
It's been a while since I have had a true meltdown but today I came really close. The matter at hand is that my father who is also ill with heart problems is asking me to do more for him. What he does not understand is that I am doing for him right now is pretty much everything I am capable of doing outside of my daily routine and that the stuff I do for him is actually quite important like sorting out his finances.
But him and my family keep asking me for more, they claim they are doing it to push me into getting better but I truly believe they just think that I am not autistic or they know it and just don't care. Why is it that when I try to explain to family, especially to my father that they simply never understand. I tell them and yet by the next day they will be complaining that I do not do something.
I have been trying so hard to do better but then I have never been good at hiding the autism that I have. Why is it never good enough for people, I simply don't understand. Has anyone else had this problem?
I'm glad I managed to say something supportive. I know what you mean about the generational thing, and I was thinking about it because of my own situation. You're right about the lack of emotional expression - it seems that the generation before didn't have time for it, the culture was very much s**t happens, but get on with what you've got to do. Understanding people wasn't important, but accepting people as they were was, I think, much easier as a result.
I'm not sure that with their lack of education, the knowledge of my AS would have meant anything to my folks. If anything, I think it would have confused them. My Mum always said that she simply didn't understand the things I thought about, or the things I came out with, and my Dad just thought I was an idiot.
You're right, too, about the way that they relate. They came from a long line of generations where it was expected that they would be looked after by their kids when they got older, so yes, it was very much part of their culture and anything outside of that wasn't something they'd even begin to understand.
I often wonder if it's our (AS) propensity for thinking deeply about everything that puts us so apart when it comes to such things. I don't know about you, but whenever I'm trying to relate to NTs, even my own family, I feel like I'm tiptoeing along trying not to cause arguments, upset or controversy. I still manage it anyway...
I could tell from the tone of your post that you've exhausted your reserves. I know how near impossible it is in your situation to kick back a bit. Is there any chance that you could contact Adult Services and see about some help - they have a duty to Carers anyway, and at least they'll have someone who understands what it's doing to you. If your Dad is totaly against the idea, you could both end up with no choice if you collapse under the strain.
It's tough, and there aren't any easy answers. I understand your situation because I've been in it myself, I certainly couldn't imagine it, so all I've got to offer is that I get where you're at, and I'm only sorry that I can't offer any practical advice. All I could ever conclude was that I had to keep going, keep the frustrations to myself, weather the crap from the rest of the family, and look after myself whenever I could.