Published on 12, July, 2020
The title says (asks) it all really. I keep seeing these terms but they are new to me (since joining this forum and wrong planet forum). Nobody seems to explain them, its as if it's taken for granted that everyone will already know what they mean.
I have picked up that 'stimming' means some form of self-stimulation and that hand-flapping is a classic 'stimming' example. I am pretty sure I don't do any 'stimming' unless keeping clenched fists a lot of the time counts?
As for meltdowns, I get very frustrated and angry when things I'm doing don't go right. I feel very tense around my chest and in my head, and I can sometimes swear very loudly when things get on top of me (usually when there's nobody else around to offend). Is this 'meltdown'?
I'm not sure 'how' other people experience a meltdown, I can only describe what happens to me, so here it is.
I never know when the 'last straw' will happen. Even when my senses are getting over stimulated and oversensitised, it doesn't necessarily mean that a meltdown is imminent. I think that as I get older, I get better at knowing when it's time to back away and 'isolate' myself untill I feel better, but that's easier said than done. I think I've grasped a better understanding since I got my diagnosis, so maybe I'm just learning to be kinder to myself.
I call it the 'beast' because that's what it seems to be to me. It comes into me and takes me over, so there's 'me' inside myself watching this thing being totaly out of my control. I'm frightened and appalled by what it does, which can include screaming, flailing about, smashing things, attacking people (I don't know if I've ever done serious harm to anyone, but there's all sorts of 'harm') and I'm told that it's terrifying to watch. It's certainly terrifying from the inside.
It seems like every ounce of physical and mental energy that I've got comes out in one, huge explosion.
Afterwards, I'm completely drained. It is only when the draining is finished that I get get hold of myself, but to be honest I'm like a limp dishcloth and have no energy for anything, and I'll sleep through sheer exhaustion, although not for long.
Then comes the worst part. I have to see what I've done. I'm in turns ashamed, embarassed, horrified, apologetic - all of that, yet at the same time knowing that it wasn't 'me'. I cannot control it and feel pretty much the same as I think other people will, but whilst it's undeniably my body involved, it's not my volition. For years and years I thought I this defined me as schizophrenic. I get visible and audible hallucinations, sometimes fleeting, sometimes involving conversations (to the point where I get 'told' to do terrible things) but I'm uncertain as to whether there's a link.
Even on a 'good' day, I can snap at any moment if something stimulates me to - a wrong word, an inexplicable action, a sudden noise/light/touch/ etc, but these are more like reflex actions akin to being touched by that particular sense's equivalent to a 'red hot poker'. An instant frustration does the same - it can send me to a very strange place, although if I'm working at something and it keeps going wrong, I can be incredibly patient untill it goes right, or untill I just smash it to pieces and throw it away. It is these contradictory situations that I can't understand.
I can recover from the physical drain within a short time. Depending on how severe it was, it can be from minutes to 2 or 3 days, but the mental recovery? Well, I still have instances from decades ago that replay themselves in my head, so I can't claim to be 'over' those...
So, that's what I think I understand about 'meltdowns'. Anyone got any other insights?