Question on terms: what is meltdown and what is stimming?

Hmmm - I think I don't have anything that would be called 'stims' but I do get something like meltdowns, occasionally.  Thanks for your replies everyone.

Stimming - 

"repetition of physical movements, sounds, or repetitive movement of objects common in individuals with developmental disabilities, but most prevalent in people with autistic spectrum disorders. It is considered a way in which autistic people calm and stimulate themselves.Therapists view this behavior as a protective response to being overly sensitive to stimuli, with which the individual blocks less predictable environmental stimuli." - en.wikipedia.org/.../Stimming

I think the difference between stimming and just general fidgeting is really difficult to define, and it will depend on the type, quantity and intensity of fidgeting (sort of like the blurred line between a "normal" passion for a certain topic, and a special interest). 

I have a huge array of stims, the most common are flapping my fingers, rocking and hair pulling. It's also a misconception that stimming only happens if autistic individuals are anxious - I stim more obviously when I'm excited or happy about something. I have a range - very happy (lots of stimming), normal/anxious - since anxious is my normal state of being (regular amounts of stimming), and more anxious than usual (slightly less stimming in the lead up to a meltdown).

Meltdowns - 

A meltdown is "a complete loss of behavioural control". And often presents like a temper tantrum. - www.autism-causes.com/the-meltdown.html

Mine appear exactly like temper tantrums: I sob, scream, am liable to hit myself on things, I usually very quickly fall to the floor, I shout out about how the world is unfair (most recently because "the time was wrong"). However, this isn't actually a temper tantrum, because I would do this completely on my own at home without anyone around - I'm not trying to get attention or change anything with my behaviour. When I'm in meltdown I usually feel very scared, because I realise that I have absoutely no control over anything - I'm not sure how hard I'm hitting myself on things, and because I'm so out of control, I know that it is quite possible that I could hit myself so hard I seriously injure myself.

sounds really similar to epilepsy in some ways. I remember reading a description of tourette's years ago and feeling i had it, but only that bit, but in sudden impulses

"An instant frustration does the same - it can send me to a very strange place, although if I'm working at something and it keeps going wrong, I can be incredibly patient untill it goes right, or untill I just smash it to pieces and throw it away. It is these contradictory situations that I can't understand."

maybe then my desire to destroy myself, to commit suicide, to get somebody to murder me etc is a meltdown. Interesting

Thanks for your very honest and open post Codger. I used to have what I had always regarded as fits of rage when I was between around 12 and 22, when I'd smash things -usually things that I really didn;t want to lose, as if punishing myself. I'd also shout and swear at the top of my voice. It must have been scary for other people and I'd hate myself after I;d calmed down.  These days (and for a long time) I don;t smash or throw things but I still feel myself getting wound up and unless I can take control quickly (by changing where I am and what I;m doing completely), I often snap. But snapping only entails shouting and swearing - very loudly but not copiously (often just a single F***! for example).  God knows what the neighbours must think!

I think I've had the opposite thing, ie: where I have felt overwhelmed by situations (almost always social situations) and kind of withdrawn intomyself so far I can;t speak, all I can do is pretent to be asleep or unconscious.  Don;t know whether anyone has anything like this?

I'm not sure 'how' other people experience a meltdown, I can only describe what happens to me, so here it is.

I never know when the 'last straw' will happen. Even when my senses are getting over stimulated and oversensitised, it doesn't necessarily mean that a meltdown is imminent. I think that as I get older, I get better at knowing when it's time to back away and 'isolate' myself untill I feel better, but that's easier said than done. I think I've grasped a better understanding since I got my diagnosis, so maybe I'm just learning to be kinder to myself.

I call it the 'beast' because that's what it seems to be to me. It comes into me and takes me over, so there's 'me' inside myself watching this thing being totaly out of my control. I'm frightened and appalled by what it does, which can include screaming, flailing about, smashing things, attacking people (I don't know if I've ever done serious harm to anyone, but there's all sorts of 'harm') and I'm told that it's terrifying to watch. It's certainly terrifying from the inside.

It seems like every ounce of physical and mental energy that I've got comes out in one, huge explosion.

Afterwards, I'm completely drained. It is only when the draining is finished that I get get hold of myself, but to be honest I'm like a limp dishcloth and have no energy for anything, and I'll sleep through sheer exhaustion, although not for long.

Then comes the worst part. I have to see what I've done. I'm in turns ashamed, embarassed, horrified, apologetic - all of that, yet at the same time knowing that it wasn't 'me'. I cannot control it and feel pretty much the same as I think other people will, but whilst it's undeniably my body involved, it's not my volition. For years and years I thought I this defined me as schizophrenic. I get visible and audible hallucinations, sometimes fleeting, sometimes involving conversations (to the point where I get 'told' to do terrible things) but I'm uncertain as to whether there's a link.

Even on a 'good' day, I can snap at any moment if something stimulates me to - a wrong word, an inexplicable action, a sudden noise/light/touch/ etc, but these are more like reflex actions akin to being touched by that particular sense's equivalent to a 'red hot poker'. An instant frustration does the same - it can send me to a very strange place, although if I'm working at something and it keeps going wrong, I can be incredibly patient untill it goes right, or untill I just smash it to pieces and throw it away. It is these contradictory situations that I can't understand.

I can recover from the physical drain within a short time. Depending on how severe it was, it can be from minutes to 2 or 3 days, but the mental recovery? Well, I still have instances from decades ago that replay themselves in my head, so I can't claim to be 'over' those...

So, that's what I think I understand about 'meltdowns'. Anyone got any other insights?

you can youtube stimming and see plenty i think, fidgeting would be another word for it, like rocking back and forth, tapping your fingers etc. Meltdown is any negative emotion experienced by a person with autism, as far as i can gather

Thanks very much both Longman and Codger, your replies are helpful. I think I do get 'meltdowns', but I've never had one that takes months to recover from. But I do get ones that take a good 24 hours to recover from, sometimes a few days I suppose (although I'd never have thought to call them 'meltdowns' - to me, they've always been 'emotional upheavals' or similar).

The stimming thing is something I reckon I don't have. I clench my fists when feeling tense but that's probably what everyone does. I drum my fingers when bored or impatient, but same again.

Thanks again.

Hi Technophobe23. Good question, and a good answer from Longman.

I get the same as you. If I'm doing something, and something goes wrong, I am instantly frutrated, I can get destructively angry, and my language knows no bounds. I also have full-on meltdowns. I think the difference is that if something gets me going into a rant, once the initial energy is spent I can generally get control of myself. Like Longman says, I can go off somewhere and do one of my chosen things while I calm down. These episodes can last from a few minutes to several hours.

The full meltdown is the one that frightens me - when the 'beast' takes over and I can't do a thing about it, it has to burn out in it's own time untill I can regain control. It takes anything from a few days to a few weeks to come back from those, occasionaly months. It's just as hard dealing with the aftermath, I have to apologise, deal with my shame and contrition, possibly put right some damage I've caused, all the while feeling completely drained, and it isn't even 'me' who did it. It's just plain horrible.

My 'stimming' moves are much like Longman's.

Hi Technophobe23,

What astonished me when I got diagnosed was to find I was described in a textbook.

But at the same time only parts of the textbook described me, and that made it hard to come to terms with the diagnosis.

Over time I've got this view of my autism status I've been very lucky.

I only have meltdowns very rarely, mostly in response to my parents' attempts to change me, and bullying at school, also in the workplace, and when there's just way too much information coming at me all at once. With me it is definately sensory overload. They don't amount to much, and usually I manage to get out of sight, in private. I see them coming.

Some people don't have meltdowns at all, but may become very withdrawn or mute. The textbooks define a type, but if you look at the Triad of Impairments there's little sign of the phenomenon, so to onlookers it seems extreme and psychotic. Consequently there really isn't much research on it. And public opinion sees it as immature behaviour. And lets face iit, if the health professionals and scientists out there don't seem bothered to look into it, not much will change.

Stimming is about reassurance, sensory checking, also some obsessive compulsive traits. Only some people stim visibly. Personally I have amassed a collection of little noises, occasional spoken expressions and very discrete hand movements that mostly nobody notices.

Some people with very marked and limiting autism show little or no outward signs. Others, including people who could be defined as borderline, have very conspicuous behaviours.

It is I think why progress on understanding autism is so slow. There are such diverse manifestations and complex mixes of traits.