Does anyone else cry when they make mistakes?

Does anyone else cry when they are criticised or when someone simply points out that they have made a mistake? I have this problem. When I was volunteering on the till at Age UK today, I accidentally forgot to 'gift-aid' an item by using the bar-code scanning machine. The manager told me nicely that I had forgotten to do this, and that if an item is not scanned for gift-aid they would lose money. She told me not to worry as she could gift-aid the transaction once I had left. But tears immediately started welling up in my eyes, I got a lump in my throat, my lip started trembling and I could not make eye-contact for the rest of the morning. I felt like crying but had to repress the tears. I knew rationally that getting upset over so small a thing was silly, but I could not control my physical display of emotion, and I worry that people might have noticed I was upset as one customer said, 'Are you alright?'.  The emotion seemed alien to me because on a non-physical level I did not feel anything, but thoughts went through my mind telling me that I can't do anything right, I am a liability, don't concentrate etc, even though I was doing my hardest. I have a very strong need to complete tasks to perfection and I am a control-freak. I only felt better when the manager thanked me for doing a hard days work and told me that the morning takings had reached over £200.

 

I want to feel that I am contributing, that my voluntary work counts, but I need to be in control and I feel defensive when people try to help me.

  • If I Make a mistake either at work or at home I get so down I stop talking for hours and keep replaying it in my head winding myself up for being silly and thinking everyone hates me. I know it’s not the case but at that moment it takes over. 

  • My 17 year old daughter is the same. She hates being told she is doing things wrong. She cries and gets defensive when she gets something wrong, sometimes to the point where she will leave the room she is in. She has Asperger's syndrome, so struggles with emotions in general, but yes, you're not alone. 

  • I was often criticised for crying too much as a child. My daughter (on pathway for ASD assessment) is also more tearful than her twin.

    For me it was such a stinging hurt to be criticised even slightly when my intentions were always to please (and be perfect, of course). I was talking about emotional resilience at my counselling session last night. I never seemed to have developed any and despite being nearly 50 years old, inside I am quite childlike in some respects.

    It would take me a long time to get over the hurt and I would often feel suspicious and distrustful of the person who delivered the criticism. It probably explains why I was distrustful of most people actually. Although, strangely, I actually find my distrust of people has been a benefit to me in life. It made me so self-reliant, more so than my peers especially as a teenager.

    I also feel it protected me from being taken advantage of as so many young people can be whether they are on the spectrum or not. I came across as much older and wiser than my years when I was young. Life is very different for me now however. I seem to need more help translating life and while I am able to detect ulterior motives in people I am less able to determine the specific nature of the ulterior motives which can make me quite vulnerable.

  • I used to think I was a perfectionist but have realised over the years that actually what is driving my perfectionism is actually a fear of making mistakes. If I do anything for myself then im not that bothered about doing it properly, its the fear of what other people think if I make a mistake that drives my perfectionism. I tend to head off any potential mistakes by overthinking all the potential scenarios, its almost like having a sixth sense but it leads to high levels of anxiety due to worrying about things that never happen. I also have perfect time keeping, again that's down to the worry about what people would think if I was ever late. My fellow workers think im ultra conscientious  and 100% reliable which I am but it comes at a huge cost to my mental health.

  • As a child I could get very emotional. I actually broke down a fair few times in school (Primary and Secondary), but my parents don't know about it. It was unbelievably embarrassing for me. However, luckily it wasn't brought up by my peers. It very rarely happens now as an adult.

  • I feel the same too.

    Whenever I make mistakes, my friends or my family keep telling me "don't worry about it" or "no need to get upset". However, they say this AS I'm crying so it's a bit late to try to prevent myself from having a stress induced breakdown but it takes a long time for me to calm down and be positive.

    I tried not to cry in one situation but I felt my chest go tight, my eyes watering and I was shaking non-stop. That was when I had to step out of the situation so that I could try to calm down no matter how long it took.

    I'm 23 and it's still a problem but it's how the situation is handled afterwards that matters because even when these meltdowns occur, at least they more often than not lead to an anxiety attack.

  • I used to be sensitive like that but that was cos I was depressed. Nowadays I don't give a damn.

  • nope, thats a girly thing.

  • I get very emotional a lot of the time, and a cry when I'm upset too - like right now, I have a meeting with an advisor for the Work Program that I'm worried and upset about, not because I haven't been looking - I have, and I can prove it - but I just keep thinking that they will think I'm not doing enough, and cut off my benefits - it's just so worrying, and I can't think about anything else - and if the worse does happen, I don't know what I'll do.

  • when i was 12/13 years old all i used to do when i made mistakes was just to put my head on the desk and not listen to anyone that was then i now just try to look for a way around things

    its just life i gues

    The Major

  • About 3months ago I used to be part of a local drama Panto group my main obsession being Disney I got very angry annoyed at the Panto scripts being totally different alot of the cast were not very understanding even after my asp was explained in the end I was asked to leave and not aloud ro see the shows which made me upset I feel it was my fault but I feel if u are going to do something do it propley
  • Supervising is something I would love to do once I get more confident. I am getting better and better at using the till at Age Uk and I have not made this mistake again - I now remember to do Gift Aid. Like you, I have been volunteering in charity shops for a long time -about 10 years in my case. I think charity shops are good for people with AS because the workers are usually very understanding of disability, in my experience.

  • Hope said:

    Does anyone else cry when they are criticised or when someone simply points out that they have made a mistake? I have this problem. When I was volunteering on the till at Age UK today, I accidentally forgot to 'gift-aid' an item by using the bar-code scanning machine. The manager told me nicely that I had forgotten to do this, and that if an item is not scanned for gift-aid they would lose money. She told me not to worry as she could gift-aid the transaction once I had left. But tears immediately started welling up in my eyes, I got a lump in my throat, my lip started trembling and I could not make eye-contact for the rest of the morning. I felt like crying but had to repress the tears. I knew rationally that getting upset over so small a thing was silly, but I could not control my physical display of emotion, and I worry that people might have noticed I was upset as one customer said, 'Are you alright?'.  The emotion seemed alien to me because on a non-physical level I did not feel anything, but thoughts went through my mind telling me that I can't do anything right, I am a liability, don't concentrate etc, even though I was doing my hardest. I have a very strong need to complete tasks to perfection and I am a control-freak. I only felt better when the manager thanked me for doing a hard days work and told me that the morning takings had reached over £200.

     

    I want to feel that I am contributing, that my voluntary work counts, but I need to be in control and I feel defensive when people try to help me.

    I do it myself...and I am 35!  I think it is probably more a reaction of wanting to be perfect and getting upset when I make a minor mistake, rather than what the person has just told me.  It reminds me of a little song called "Nobody's perfect", which was in a Jim Henson cartoon called "Muppet Babies".  It's a silly song, but it gets the point across; i.e. that nobody's perfect and that we can all make a mistake from time to time. 

    The only advice I can give is that getting upset about minor things fades in time as one's confidence grows and one gets used to a routine. 

    Coincidentally, I volunteer in a charity shop and have been doing so for the past 15 years.  In terms of retail, I am at a supervisory level, in the sense that I can open up and lock up (I have my own keys and alarm code), open the shop, close the shop, get the till ready and count out the float, cash up the till and do the end of days takings, shelf filling, serving customers, and telling them about the charity, etc.  Now, I could not do that when I first started, but gradually built up the confidence to do so.  And I tell other volunteers not to worry if they make a mistake on the till, as I can easily correct it. 

    What is good about it is that it is a routine and one that does not vary often. 

  • You are not alone in feeling like this Hope.

    I also want to do everything perfectly, and when I do something wrong, even a very minor thing I get very upset and just want to run away from the situation. I also am very unsure how the person who tells me I have made a mistake actually feels about the mistake, are they very disappointed or angry or just telling me some information so I won't do it again, I just can't tell. I think this adds to the feeling of stupidity and upset.

    I too know that rationally everyone makes mistakes, and also that because I am so conscientious I make far fewer than others, but I just can't shake the feeling.

    I think this is a very under-reported aspect of Aspieness, and links in with the general anxiety caused by dealing with the NT world. I think this stems from the mistaken belief that those with ASD have no imagination and are like automatons, but I would argue that Aspies have too much imagination, especially around all the possible scenarios that could happen from a single action, and this makes Aspies extra controlling about their own behaviour and actions, trying to have a settled, secure and predictable environment. Any kind of conflict is so upsetting that I definitely try to be perfect so there is no need to pull me up about anything or for NTs to be disappointed or angry.