Meltdown

could I suggest that he works if he wants a replacement for his broken items?

I don't mean get paid work out in the employment world. I mean he earns from yourself 'money' and if he wants replacement then he has to save that 'money' up. You can choose as a parent to financially help him out when he learned that just breaking something in a meltdown is not the way forward.  Say he actually earns half of the amount and when you have earned the other half too then he earned the replacement.  It will help teach responsiblity too.

Poor you, I know how you feel. Shopping is essential. I used to hold my daughter under one arm with her back to me, to limit the damage she could do to me, and go as fast as posible, to escape to home. I was on foot, I cannot imagine how you get a rigid banana shaped child into a car seat.

Have you tried online shopping? It wasn't available when I had this issue. I use it now. Also he will start school soon, so you may be able to shop in peace then.

As he gets older, give him his own shopping list to keep him occupied. They can learn such a lot from the shopping experience. I taught my kids about percentages by reading the nuitritional information boxes on cereal packets. They were only allowed less than 25% sugar in their cereals.

Best wishes

It is hard for a child to let you know when the pressure is rising. Supermarkets are horrendous if you are on the spectrum - the noise of air conditiioning, chiller and freezer cabinets, conversations other sides of aisles, people and trolleys getting congested, outside noises, tills ringing, strange smells, loads of colour contrast overload, kids screaming, babies crying.... - hardly surprising he had a meltdown. Losing the toy was a last straw, but the underlying fact is incredibly too much sensory overload.

My own approach as an adult is to sit down in a supermarket (or stand) and listen to the component noises and work out a strategy for how long I can stay in some parts and where to go if I feel it getting too bad, and when to just abandon my trolley and leave. Yeah I've done that.

You might be able to do this for him, even if you are not reactive - just listen hard to just how much hits you, if you have no filter or blocking out mechanism. You can then find some quiet parts to take him (if there are such things) if you think he needs some respite.

So relieved you posted this.  It is reassuring to read, my four year old had a massive meltdown yesterday in the supermarket.  I had prep, he wore a hat, we had our pec shopping list but then he lost his toy and . . . . Well I carried him out whilst he was hitting me, pulling my hair out and then trying to strangle me (which is a new one).  I always keep calm and don't react, it doesn't help when other people start tutting or say they would 'leather' him.  He isn't an angry child at all, just when he has meltdowns.

how do others cope if meltdowns happen when you are out?

I agree completely about events building up to exploding point and little irritations being the last straw.

I have to make a conscious effort to find out what is bugging me, deep down, then work out a strategy for improving things. When a situation seems out of my control, then I shelve it. I forget about it because I feel helpless to change or improve it.

Perhaps these teenagers need to realise that situations can beimproved, by negotiation. If they tell someone what is wrong, then maybe they can work out a way through. The desire for independance is strong and those on the spectrum do not like asking for help. They could try to identify an issue, and work out what they would like to change, then devise a strategy. This is a very adult approach, and they may be persuaded to try for that reason. They may also be happier about asking for help, if they have started the ball rolling.

I think pressures at school in general have a big effect as my daughter doesn't like crowds or noise or bright light, and doesn't have many friends as she doesn't do 'girly talk' or 'chitchat' as she calls it, but she is well behaved at school.  So I can understand the pressure on her must be immense at times.  So when she gets home from school she just relaxes with the TV and her tablet, but is ready to explode about anything at all.  

I'd like to find a way she can release at least some of her stress because I think it is just being bottled up inside her and that's why she 'explodes'.

Your idea is a good one Longman, but she doesn't like doing diaries, so I guess it's a matter of catching her in the right frame of mind to discuss things which is what I do at the moment.

It isn't only school days when she has rages but is weekends and holidays too, but as Longman has said, it could be from things building up over a long time.

In both Flake's and JennyRobin's illustrations I also venture to ask if their son/daughter are being bullied at school - it can be a lot subtler than conventional bullying - name calling - exclusion and isolation, or it can be kids taking advantage of their vulnerability, or winding them up to get them to react.

I've a theory about meltdowns - probably not original either - but I'm just emphasising this seems to be an unconventional view.

The triggers in proximity are 'last straws'  - the causes of meltdown are longer term and relate to underlying issues. As I say, I'm not sure this interpretation is backed by the experts who keep addressing temporally proximal triggers.

However I could make an analogy to a non-autistic person having one of those days - when you actually 'explode' its usually something small that pushes you over the edge. For someone with autism most days are potentially bad days - there's just too much going on to cope with.

People on the spectrum worry a lot. They analyse everything that happens to them (as they don't get good feedback from social interaction). They may still be analysing things that happened weeks ago they still haven't resolved. These worries build up and take up much mental activity. They also undermine self confidence and self esteem.

It might help to get them to discuss unresolved issues playing on their minds. Sometimes it may just be an explanation that helps them find closures.

If they don't feel they can discuss at least encourage them to write things down - in a private diary - so the issues bothering them are on paper, and they know where they are - so can let them slip out from the daily mental churn.

Also help them to find ways of tackling worries so as to reduce the numbers of these when meltdowns are frequent.

I emphasise this is just my theory, though it is what I've always practiced myself. If the pressure is building up I write them down, determine if I can resolve some of them easily, and try to reduce the number of worries, to lower the pressure. I do get entrenchedly angry about things I perceive as unjust, and when I know it is getting out of hand, I do an audit, and chuck out as much as I can.

It might help reduce the frequency and severity of meltdowns if there was less long term pressure building up - the minor triggers could then have kless impact.

My 16 year old daughter seems to have days on end when she is simmering and exploding over any little thing.  

Sometimes there is a reason, such as a door accidentally being left open which she hates, or a tiny noise that she hears, or misunderstanding a comment made, but more often it is just shouting and rages about nothing, and snapping over any little thing.

I wonder if this about teenage hormones, as well as frustration with things going on?

I managed to ask her in a quiet moment, and she says she feels full of rage that's waiting to erupt and doesn't know why, and anything sets her off.

It was suggested she use a relaxation or mindfulness app to help her to calm down, but she hasn't downloaded one yet and I can't force her to do it.

So I guess it's a matter of catching her in the right mood and perservering?

Hi Flake. Yup, teenage is tough enough as it is, and taxes every parent, but of course it's tougher for you. You must get that sense of panic out of the way, show you are not afraid, and adopt a firm coping strategy, so I agree with Marjorie and I hope you can help him understand that you both need to do this, and why, and it's because you love him and want to help.

Time for you to step in is when you first see the signs so that you can remind him to do what he needs to do, but get in as early as possible because sometimes we aren't very far down the line before hearing something like that goes from being helpful, to adding to the build up.

Of course, this is easy to say but it will be hard to do. I hope you find a successful strategy because this clearly needs to change, and try to keep reminding yourself that whatever you do will take time and repetition to really start to help.

Thanks for replying, next time he breaks something I will try and hold of buying him a replacement,  I just do it for a sort of easy life, :)

Hi Flake, It sounds as though you are all having a tough time.

I would not replace broken items. Your son needs to learn that his behaviour is unacceptable. He should earn replacements with good behaviour, or earn money to buy them himself.

Teenage years are very stressful, but he needs to find a way of controlling his meltdowns and unwinding before he reaches meltdown. He may be very stressed after school and need to go somewhere quiet to unwind and relax, before embarking on anything else.

I regard my meltdowns as volcanic erruptions. I wrote myself a scale from 1 to 10 of what happens in an erruption, from smoke rising, to lava flow and final explosion. I wrote my behaviour down on a similar scale. The explosion is me screaming, shouting and maybe throwing things. I worked backwards, through nasty remarks and banging things around, to the very beginnings of rising tension and irritation. Now, I know when to walk away and find a dark quiet place in which I can calm down. I then try to quietly work out what the problem is and then talk to the person who has wound me up, if that is feasible, or find a strategy for dealing with problems.

If you can get your son to wind down, you may be able to get him to tell you what is winding him up, and hopefully find a strategy for coping.

It is immensley difficult, at times, but if you just replace what he breaks, then there are no consequences of his destructive behaviour.

Perhaps he could work off this pent up rage by going for a run, then quietly unwinding with a shower and some music. He may not be able to contribute much to the household chores etc for a while.

Best wishes, I hope you find a way through this difficult patch.