Knowing that I'm different.

Ethan

Before my diagnosis (last year) I knew I was different but didn't know how?  I didn't fit in and found things much harder.  A year on from my diagnosis I know the reason is autism. Someone asked me, how does autism affect me? I couldn't answer the question. Six month on of them knowing me I think they would be able to answer that question better than I can.  I get confused on what is autism and what is personality at times. I know one of the autism things I experience is that I overthink very easily about things.  I had a lovely day out at Walsingham-Norfolk on Monday. My feedback was mixed. I didn't not enjoy it and neither did I enjoy it so what does that actually mean in reality. By Wednesday I had decided in myself I am overthinking about it as I had written I would go again next year. But yes, at 46, there have been times in my life when am aware I am different to others. I wasn't bullied in school but was an easy target. Socially I find it very hard. I sometimes go to a coffee morning but limit that because whilst I am 100% included, I go home feeling very sore and isolated in me. If that had been before the diagnosis I probably wouldn't have gone back again. But now I am able to reason it in terms of autism. Last night at a music group I go to, the person taking it was asking around what we all wanted to do. It came to my turn and I replied a bit but before I knew what I was even saying, I said 'stop looking at me you know I don't like it'. Then realised what I had done and went sheepish. He didn't even blink and no one made it into a big issue. He wasn't looking at me not really, just as in he was talking to me. But yep I know I am different but know it through autism rather than just being different and whilst I don't understand how autism makes us different in that I can't blend into others I find it a comfort to know it is autism. Hope that helps a little 

Ji davidgolf47, thanks for your understanding, it does mean alot.

Ethan, what you described is how I have felt all my life. I also had no friends to go to school with.

It does get toughter as you get older, but one becomes much the wiser for it too.

I think I am 19 but really I am 47. Yes I don't know what I am like.

Thanks for advice Recombinantsocks. 

If you feel that you may be unable to cope with a group interview then you may want to consider a request for a "reasonable adjustment" that would require them to take your condition into account for this situation. This might excuse you from that situation and require them to provide an alternative situation.

In the longer term you may want help in enabling you to cope with such situations but that may not be possible in the time available.

Thanks. Been a great help.

Thing is, my anxiety is starting to build up again, due to the fact, I got a group (20 or more) college interview at the end of this month. Which I'm not good at introducing myself etc. This will sort of worry me now, sometimes I burst out into tears, over little things. I'm trying to remain positive. 

Hi Ethan01,

  I'm not sure if you intend to go to College and whether you have a statement or LDA (Learning Disability Assessment) But if you do intend to go to College, You can ask if they can put you on a 'Social Use of Language Program.' that you could attend whilst you are at College. It will be part of the SEN dept. You can ask any key workers, ConneXions etc, to help you with this. You can ask them to add it to your provison package for transfer to College. What subjects do you like or hope to study at College if you go?

A social use of language program helps you look at various senarios and learn how to take conversation beyond just yes/no answers. My son has taken it and he's now reasonable at knowing what to say in some cases, but it will take practice.

What you mention, about your not having friends or people not understanding you, is a common theme I'm afraid. This can be ignorance on their part of others, but try not to let it get you down. It's ok to be you.

Do you have any special interests? Something you could share with another like-minded person?

You will probably find that those who understand you most will be others on the spectrum. In my experience they have also been the most helpful for me. This forum is friendly and the forum users answer most questions posted here.

The friend thing, may be because you are missing social cues. These take time, you may pick some of them up, but others can be a little harder to judge.

Like I say, try to keep positive. See if you can get the book from the library if it's too expensive from Amazon and work through it. Perhaps after your exams during the Summer break.

Their are other youngsters your age who also link with Autism Communities on FB. Ofen with people of a similar age. Do you have a FB Page?

Hope the above is helpful,

Coogy

Hi Ethan,

Autism, or Aspergers is a curse but it can also be a gift. It brings problems but also special talents.

If everybody was the same then there is a danger that lemming, or at least sheep- like behaviour would happen. Perhaps we can think of ourselves as anti-lemmings? We often have different ideas, can't stop ourselves from spekaing out, but often don't understand the things that other people understand etc etc. i.e. it isn't just all bad - there are good bits and bad bits.

You ask "why me?" It didn't happen for a reason. You weren't chosen for this but a lot of it is down to the lottery that happens in genetics. you are likely to have inherited things from a parent(or 2) and grandparent(s). You are not the only one with these tendencies and you might be able to spot some difficulties or awkwardnesses in your family. It isn't as unusual as you might think. Don't look for blame though, they have no more responsibility (i.e. none) than you have for your condition.

School can be a mixed experience for many people with autism. Many get bullied and have a bad time but school is an artificial environment that is often unlike work. Work is often done with a much smaller set of colleagues who may have similar interests.

You are finding it difficult to talk to people. Some of this is down to your autism but some of it is just normal for a teenager. As you get older you will understand more about what your parents or grandparents are thinking and you will develop better ways of talking to them.

Thanks Coogybear.

I talk to my mum fine, but not others, I cant help avoiding saying one word answers to people such as Yes/No. I also finding it hard to keep a converstation going. 

I kind of got a fear of my grandparents, i dont know why. They struggle to understand why i dont make converstation with them. 

As I be leaving school very soon (June) it comes to the conclusion that school is the only life i have? I dont have any friends to go out with, and finding it hard to make friends.

But never understand why?

Will take a look at that book of amazon Coogybear.

Thanks.

Hi,

  It's a shame your family don't fully understand your concerns. They are entirely natural and very much related to Aspergers.

It sounds as though your awareness of your difference is becoming more profound of late. Please try noy to view this negetively. If you would like to understand more, including strategies to help you with the anxiety you face, I can reccomend Living Well On The Spectrum.

www.amazon.co.uk/.../1606236342

This workbook is ideal in helping you look at your weaknesses and making them your strangths, Managing your time and life to reduce the anxiety and improve well-being.

Ask here if ever you have specific questions. People here have been through it and have some great ideas.

Coogy