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Knowing that I'm different.

ethan01

I've had a diagnosis of autism since 7 years old. but never thought much of it. But as shortly completing my final year of school, i'm starting to think to myself, why am I different?

I go to school every day, with not one friend.

I think differently than others

I got high expectation in life, but strugle to see how to achieve them.

I dont think my family really understand on what I'm feeling and what I'm trying to say, if i do something wrong, my grandmother screams at me and shouts. Just makes me not to like her even more.

Life with autism is not easy, but as I get older, I'm starting to wonder, why? why me?

I'm finding hard to talk to my parents about stuff, because, strange things worry me, and when I try to talk to them about it, they just tell me to grow up, get a life. Things like that upset me. But, I love my family to bits, but sometimes, I dont think they understand on what autism actually is.

Is anyone else that has autism knows that they are different, but just dont know how?

 

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  • Ethan

    Before my diagnosis (last year) I knew I was different but didn't know how?  I didn't fit in and found things much harder.  A year on from my diagnosis I know the reason is autism. Someone asked me, how does autism affect me? I couldn't answer the question. Six month on of them knowing me I think they would be able to answer that question better than I can.  I get confused on what is autism and what is personality at times. I know one of the autism things I experience is that I overthink very easily about things.  I had a lovely day out at Walsingham-Norfolk on Monday. My feedback was mixed. I didn't not enjoy it and neither did I enjoy it so what does that actually mean in reality. By Wednesday I had decided in myself I am overthinking about it as I had written I would go again next year. But yes, at 46, there have been times in my life when am aware I am different to others. I wasn't bullied in school but was an easy target. Socially I find it very hard. I sometimes go to a coffee morning but limit that because whilst I am 100% included, I go home feeling very sore and isolated in me. If that had been before the diagnosis I probably wouldn't have gone back again. But now I am able to reason it in terms of autism. Last night at a music group I go to, the person taking it was asking around what we all wanted to do. It came to my turn and I replied a bit but before I knew what I was even saying, I said 'stop looking at me you know I don't like it'. Then realised what I had done and went sheepish. He didn't even blink and no one made it into a big issue. He wasn't looking at me not really, just as in he was talking to me. But yep I know I am different but know it through autism rather than just being different and whilst I don't understand how autism makes us different in that I can't blend into others I find it a comfort to know it is autism. Hope that helps a little 

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  • Ethan

    Before my diagnosis (last year) I knew I was different but didn't know how?  I didn't fit in and found things much harder.  A year on from my diagnosis I know the reason is autism. Someone asked me, how does autism affect me? I couldn't answer the question. Six month on of them knowing me I think they would be able to answer that question better than I can.  I get confused on what is autism and what is personality at times. I know one of the autism things I experience is that I overthink very easily about things.  I had a lovely day out at Walsingham-Norfolk on Monday. My feedback was mixed. I didn't not enjoy it and neither did I enjoy it so what does that actually mean in reality. By Wednesday I had decided in myself I am overthinking about it as I had written I would go again next year. But yes, at 46, there have been times in my life when am aware I am different to others. I wasn't bullied in school but was an easy target. Socially I find it very hard. I sometimes go to a coffee morning but limit that because whilst I am 100% included, I go home feeling very sore and isolated in me. If that had been before the diagnosis I probably wouldn't have gone back again. But now I am able to reason it in terms of autism. Last night at a music group I go to, the person taking it was asking around what we all wanted to do. It came to my turn and I replied a bit but before I knew what I was even saying, I said 'stop looking at me you know I don't like it'. Then realised what I had done and went sheepish. He didn't even blink and no one made it into a big issue. He wasn't looking at me not really, just as in he was talking to me. But yep I know I am different but know it through autism rather than just being different and whilst I don't understand how autism makes us different in that I can't blend into others I find it a comfort to know it is autism. Hope that helps a little 

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