No personality and loneliness

Hi Iain, this really describes me to a T. Just like you I was diagnosed last year and since my diagnosis have found things a real struggle. I’ve also dropped the masking but since find myself struggling across all aspects of my life, especially interpersonal relationships and feelings of not truly knowing who I am. 

I don’t know if you are the same but I find myself retreating more and more and becoming even more isolated because of this.

Wow, can I relate to this!! So much so it really hurts

that's great!!

I really relate to that - I totally lose track to the point of not having a clue what talk about.

I don't know what to talk about anyway most of the time, so tend to lean towards humour or plain *** talking. Football talk helps... other than that I'm totally lost. 

Like I said, I'm younger days when I did most of group socialising I just got as far into whatever I could find so that I wasn't capable of thinking about anything at all. Later in life I understand why. 

Yes I think having lots of sets of cues can be hard to follow 

I think for me when I am in a group I can't seem to figure out when it is my turn to speak so after some tinr my concentration drifts and I lose the thread of the conversation. Maybe it is just poor listening skills but when I am one to one the subject can be more personal to me so I can follow it better. Sometimes in a group people can pick up that I have a blank expression as I have lost the thread of the conversation as and this causes anxiety. Normally I can only manage about 30 mins before getting anxious 

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I wonder if it's as simple as just about keeping up with one set of cues (verbal/facial etc) while multiple sets makes it overwhelming?

Back in the day when I had to socialise in large groups I used whatever 'help' I could get my hands on... which usually lead to other issues. 

Groups of very close friends are much easier than work colleagues too I find, though getting my 1:1 mates in the same room is another challenge... and one I generally avoid. 

Yes I really struggle on groups too but better one to one and I will try to keep up with some groups as important I find the that I can't really converse in group chat as my brain is jumping around trying to follow individual inputs.

I've been told I have a 'female profile' in terms of masking, and am aware I spent a ridiculously large amount of my younger years trying to appear a certain way. I was pretty good at it to the point of pretty much no one that used to know me believing I am/was autistic too. 

It wasn't me though, and the few that know me socially now, a couple of whom knew me then too, accept it and can see it. My partner is under no illusions either and she sees me the most. 

Honestly, I find it all something of a minefield and am working on understanding more. There are situations now where I have to mask, situations where I notice I am and many situations that I openly avoid so that I don't have to.

I'm aware that avoiding socialising isn't always healthy or positive in terms of maintaining friendships too, though 95% I'll socialise one to one as I find that much more manageable. I struggle in that 5% though. 

Thanks Martin. Yes I think I tend to be very neutral in situations rather than masking. It's maybe a deep fear of rejection and low self worth. I am newly diagnosed as autistic and still trying to work things out.

Thanks Lonehare. I am feeling better having shared this. I am gathering the that maybe the notion of masking doesn't truly reflect what I am doing I think it is more of being not confident in myself and therefore not presenting a persona to go along with my desires which I have lost over the years as no confidence in myself. I enjoyed art when I was younger and I am trying to learn to enjoy that again. I have be one very neutral rather than masking I think but I need to learn to be more assertive without being rude. 

I think that while the concept of masking is not an entirely accurate presentation of what many autistic people do, I consider that the idea that autistic people who are 'masking' are somehow not their true selves can be misleading and sometimes detrimental. I know of occasions where I have not presented myself as closely to allistic as I could have done and it has been to my detriment. I remember during a job interview (having passed two written tests) considering whether to answer a question truthfully or to create a confection that would be more palatable, and I am reasonably sure that my truthful reply cost me the position. Hoist by the petard of my autistic desire to be truthful!

Thanks

All art builds on influences, so you are in good company there. We are all artists if we want to be - whether we are good or bad should be someone else's problem, though the harsher critic will often be the self. Explore and enjoy is my advice.  

Yes that's true Jaygee. I guess I am being authentic but it's the presentation that's chsnged. Thanks 

Thanks Martin

 Very good point about whether you are authentic playing a musical instrument. I sometimes question if I sm being authentic learning art but this helps me now. Thanks 

Thanks Alexa. Thats very good advice. Yes I think my personality is still here and it's really good to know that.

Thanks. I remember enjoying cartooning very much until aged 14 when I became too self conscious to keep doing art..I have started cartooning again after 40 years and it feels authentic to me. 

Hi Iain. You do have a personality, it's just that you've overlaid it with other stuff in order to cope. It's a bit like realising you can adjust your clothing to suit the temperature - or just go naked. You've still got the same body underneath, it's just that you spent all your time concentrating on your clothes that you've not noticed it.

I admire you for starting to shed those heavy, scratchy garments you've been carrying around all your life. I haven't really begun to unmask yet, as I'm still coming to terms with a completely different way of viewing my life. Be gently with yourself - you're still Iain. Maybe it's like making a new friend, only the friend is yourself.

That's an interesting take - while I think I know that I have masked and do still, parts of what is what are still really confusing: for example, is work me just my professional side or am I high masking to cope/succeed in that environment. I suspect the answer is both, though fully unmasking probably wouldn't go too well for me given my career; I think I'm better off thinking of that as applying my workplace skills. 

Late diagnosis here too; in fact I'm yet to get the full formal diagnosis, though have been informally diagnosed by a qualified psych. who does indeed formally diagnose, albeit in a different capacity: another layer of complication!

Really though it's all very complicated and a lot to unpick. Just be kind to yourself, learn and give it plenty of time is my advice to the op.