No personality and loneliness

Hi Iain. You do have a personality, it's just that you've overlaid it with other stuff in order to cope. It's a bit like realising you can adjust your clothing to suit the temperature - or just go naked. You've still got the same body underneath, it's just that you spent all your time concentrating on your clothes that you've not noticed it.

I admire you for starting to shed those heavy, scratchy garments you've been carrying around all your life. I haven't really begun to unmask yet, as I'm still coming to terms with a completely different way of viewing my life. Be gently with yourself - you're still Iain. Maybe it's like making a new friend, only the friend is yourself.

That's an interesting take - while I think I know that I have masked and do still, parts of what is what are still really confusing: for example, is work me just my professional side or am I high masking to cope/succeed in that environment. I suspect the answer is both, though fully unmasking probably wouldn't go too well for me given my career; I think I'm better off thinking of that as applying my workplace skills. 

Late diagnosis here too; in fact I'm yet to get the full formal diagnosis, though have been informally diagnosed by a qualified psych. who does indeed formally diagnose, albeit in a different capacity: another layer of complication!

Really though it's all very complicated and a lot to unpick. Just be kind to yourself, learn and give it plenty of time is my advice to the op. 

I came to the conclusion that I was my true self at all times. The difference being that on my own at home I was not having to use social skills, but out in public I was using hard-won social skills, so was having to put effort in. In both cases I was equally my true self. The major difference between allistics and autistics is that allistics acquire and use social skills subconsciously and autistics use far more conscious intellect to do the same things. This means that we have to use a lot of intellectual effort when in social situations, which is why socialising can be exhausting. I think that the idea that the autistic person when using his or her social skills is somehow inauthentic is not a useful concept. Looked at this way 'masking' is just the use of a set of skills that have been learned - if you learn to play a musical instrument are you inauthentic when you play it, or are you still you but using acquired skills?

Hiiain72 and welcome.

Im late diagnosed too and I totally understand where you are right now. I think it can come as a bit of a shock to realise you haven't been true to yourself all your adult life.....and even more scary who is the real you????

Can you think about what made you happy as a child? hopefully we might get a glimpse into our true nature before we were shaped into what others expected us to be. It will take time to discover the real you, I try to listen to what my body is telling me and if it doesn't feel steady inside with certain people or in certain situations I try to limit that time and gradually pull away from those environments. Its hard because people are expecting the person they know (our masked selves) so they have to adjust too and sometimes they don't want to know the real you but that's okay  they're not your people. 

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. You have found this place, we are part of your tribe. Hopefully you will get lots of advice from people who have come through this and are on the other side.

I haven't got advice as I'm newly here and still awaiting my asd assessment in my 60s, but wanted to say that I feel the same about having been masking all my life. But it's as if I don't know who I was, rather than not knowing who I am now. I guess I'm still the same self it's my presentation that has changed...?

Anyway I look forward to reading the advice from others...