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No personality and loneliness

iain72

Hi

I was hoping someone could advise.

Since my late diagnosis last year aged 53 I have realised that I was masking all of the time. Now that I have stopped masking I feel that I have no real established personality and don't know how to make friends anymore. In the past I would put on a bit of an act but now I tend not to want to talk if the conversation means I may have to mask to get involved.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can find my true self because I feel lost.

Thanks

Iain

Parents

  • I came to the conclusion that I was my true self at all times. The difference being that on my own at home I was not having to use social skills, but out in public I was using hard-won social skills, so was having to put effort in. In both cases I was equally my true self. The major difference between allistics and autistics is that allistics acquire and use social skills subconsciously and autistics use far more conscious intellect to do the same things. This means that we have to use a lot of intellectual effort when in social situations, which is why socialising can be exhausting. I think that the idea that the autistic person when using his or her social skills is somehow inauthentic is not a useful concept. Looked at this way 'masking' is just the use of a set of skills that have been learned - if you learn to play a musical instrument are you inauthentic when you play it, or are you still you but using acquired skills?

  • in reply to Martin

    Hi Martin, 

    I have read quite a few of your messages and find I am usually very in tune with what you say.  So, yet again I find myself agreeing with you regarding home versus public personas. Since my recent assessment I have puzzling over what masking is and why unmasking is stressed as being very important. I too, have learnt over the years to use intellectual effort to socialize. Not up the standards of a neurotypical person but good enough to get by and it is tiring; groups more so.  On the reverse side of the coin are all the wonderful moments of just being my autistic-self even if the constant "brain dialogue" should be fitted with a pause button.  

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  • in reply to Martin

    Hi Martin, 

    I have read quite a few of your messages and find I am usually very in tune with what you say.  So, yet again I find myself agreeing with you regarding home versus public personas. Since my recent assessment I have puzzling over what masking is and why unmasking is stressed as being very important. I too, have learnt over the years to use intellectual effort to socialize. Not up the standards of a neurotypical person but good enough to get by and it is tiring; groups more so.  On the reverse side of the coin are all the wonderful moments of just being my autistic-self even if the constant "brain dialogue" should be fitted with a pause button.  

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