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No personality and loneliness

iain72

Hi

I was hoping someone could advise.

Since my late diagnosis last year aged 53 I have realised that I was masking all of the time. Now that I have stopped masking I feel that I have no real established personality and don't know how to make friends anymore. In the past I would put on a bit of an act but now I tend not to want to talk if the conversation means I may have to mask to get involved.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can find my true self because I feel lost.

Thanks

Iain

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  • I came to the conclusion that I was my true self at all times. The difference being that on my own at home I was not having to use social skills, but out in public I was using hard-won social skills, so was having to put effort in. In both cases I was equally my true self. The major difference between allistics and autistics is that allistics acquire and use social skills subconsciously and autistics use far more conscious intellect to do the same things. This means that we have to use a lot of intellectual effort when in social situations, which is why socialising can be exhausting. I think that the idea that the autistic person when using his or her social skills is somehow inauthentic is not a useful concept. Looked at this way 'masking' is just the use of a set of skills that have been learned - if you learn to play a musical instrument are you inauthentic when you play it, or are you still you but using acquired skills?

  • in reply to Martin

    That's an interesting take - while I think I know that I have masked and do still, parts of what is what are still really confusing: for example, is work me just my professional side or am I high masking to cope/succeed in that environment. I suspect the answer is both, though fully unmasking probably wouldn't go too well for me given my career; I think I'm better off thinking of that as applying my workplace skills. 

    Late diagnosis here too; in fact I'm yet to get the full formal diagnosis, though have been informally diagnosed by a qualified psych. who does indeed formally diagnose, albeit in a different capacity: another layer of complication!

    Really though it's all very complicated and a lot to unpick. Just be kind to yourself, learn and give it plenty of time is my advice to the op. 

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  • in reply to Martin

    That's an interesting take - while I think I know that I have masked and do still, parts of what is what are still really confusing: for example, is work me just my professional side or am I high masking to cope/succeed in that environment. I suspect the answer is both, though fully unmasking probably wouldn't go too well for me given my career; I think I'm better off thinking of that as applying my workplace skills. 

    Late diagnosis here too; in fact I'm yet to get the full formal diagnosis, though have been informally diagnosed by a qualified psych. who does indeed formally diagnose, albeit in a different capacity: another layer of complication!

    Really though it's all very complicated and a lot to unpick. Just be kind to yourself, learn and give it plenty of time is my advice to the op. 

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