Hi
I was hoping someone could advise.
Since my late diagnosis last year aged 53 I have realised that I was masking all of the time. Now that I have stopped masking I feel that I have no real established personality and don't know how to make friends anymore. In the past I would put on a bit of an act but now I tend not to want to talk if the conversation means I may have to mask to get involved.
Has anyone got any advice on how I can find my true self because I feel lost.
Thanks
Iain
I came to the conclusion that I was my true self at all times. The difference being that on my own at home I was not having to use social skills, but out in public I was using hard-won social skills, so was having to put effort in. In both cases I was equally my true self. The major difference between allistics and autistics is that allistics acquire and use social skills subconsciously and autistics use far more conscious intellect to do the same things. This means that we have to use a lot of intellectual effort when in social situations, which is why socialising can be exhausting. I think that the idea that the autistic person when using his or her social skills is somehow inauthentic is not a useful concept. Looked at this way 'masking' is just the use of a set of skills that have been learned - if you learn to play a musical instrument are you inauthentic when you play it, or are you still you but using acquired skills?
That's an interesting take - while I think I know that I have masked and do still, parts of what is what are still really confusing: for example, is work me just my professional side or am I high masking to cope/succeed in that environment. I suspect the answer is both, though fully unmasking probably wouldn't go too well for me given my career; I think I'm better off thinking of that as applying my workplace skills.
Late diagnosis here too; in fact I'm yet to get the full formal diagnosis, though have been informally diagnosed by a qualified psych. who does indeed formally diagnose, albeit in a different capacity: another layer of complication!
Really though it's all very complicated and a lot to unpick. Just be kind to yourself, learn and give it plenty of time is my advice to the op.
I think that while the concept of masking is not an entirely accurate presentation of what many autistic people do, I consider that the idea that autistic people who are 'masking' are somehow not their true selves can be misleading and sometimes detrimental. I know of occasions where I have not presented myself as closely to allistic as I could have done and it has been to my detriment. I remember during a job interview (having passed two written tests) considering whether to answer a question truthfully or to create a confection that would be more palatable, and I am reasonably sure that my truthful reply cost me the position. Hoist by the petard of my autistic desire to be truthful!
I really relate to that - I totally lose track to the point of not having a clue what talk about.
I don't know what to talk about anyway most of the time, so tend to lean towards humour or plain *** talking. Football talk helps... other than that I'm totally lost.
Like I said, I'm younger days when I did most of group socialising I just got as far into whatever I could find so that I wasn't capable of thinking about anything at all. Later in life I understand why.
I think for me when I am in a group I can't seem to figure out when it is my turn to speak so after some tinr my concentration drifts and I lose the thread of the conversation. Maybe it is just poor listening skills but when I am one to one the subject can be more personal to me so I can follow it better. Sometimes in a group people can pick up that I have a blank expression as I have lost the thread of the conversation as and this causes anxiety. Normally I can only manage about 30 mins before getting anxious
.
I wonder if it's as simple as just about keeping up with one set of cues (verbal/facial etc) while multiple sets makes it overwhelming?
Back in the day when I had to socialise in large groups I used whatever 'help' I could get my hands on... which usually lead to other issues.
Groups of very close friends are much easier than work colleagues too I find, though getting my 1:1 mates in the same room is another challenge... and one I generally avoid.
Yes I really struggle on groups too but better one to one and I will try to keep up with some groups as important I find the that I can't really converse in group chat as my brain is jumping around trying to follow individual inputs.
Yes I really struggle on groups too but better one to one and I will try to keep up with some groups as important I find the that I can't really converse in group chat as my brain is jumping around trying to follow individual inputs.
I really relate to that - I totally lose track to the point of not having a clue what talk about.
I don't know what to talk about anyway most of the time, so tend to lean towards humour or plain *** talking. Football talk helps... other than that I'm totally lost.
Like I said, I'm younger days when I did most of group socialising I just got as far into whatever I could find so that I wasn't capable of thinking about anything at all. Later in life I understand why.
I think for me when I am in a group I can't seem to figure out when it is my turn to speak so after some tinr my concentration drifts and I lose the thread of the conversation. Maybe it is just poor listening skills but when I am one to one the subject can be more personal to me so I can follow it better. Sometimes in a group people can pick up that I have a blank expression as I have lost the thread of the conversation as and this causes anxiety. Normally I can only manage about 30 mins before getting anxious
.
I wonder if it's as simple as just about keeping up with one set of cues (verbal/facial etc) while multiple sets makes it overwhelming?
Back in the day when I had to socialise in large groups I used whatever 'help' I could get my hands on... which usually lead to other issues.
Groups of very close friends are much easier than work colleagues too I find, though getting my 1:1 mates in the same room is another challenge... and one I generally avoid.
