Making friends/loneliness

Thank you for replying! 

I can definitely relate. A lot of the times I find other people are either really overwhelming or just so disinterested it makes me feel like I've done something wrong. It feels like I've missed an instruction manual or something.

But I'm really glad I'm not alone in this - i think this thread alone kinda proves that we're all in the same boat. Being ND is hard.

I can't say anything helpful, but I can relate to this. I just find it impossible to make friends and I don't understand why. Sometimes I join a group and it goes OK until someone starts being racist or spiteful and I just can't get past that, can't get past the fact that the group goes on as if nothing's happened when someone in it has done or said something utterly despicable. Then the group feels poisoned for me and going there becomes gradually more and more intolerable until I just can't anymore. 

Other times, I'll put effort into going out with someone who's friendly, only to find that they are a really pushy, overwhelming person that I just can't cope with at all.

So, I feel I clearly give out some sort of signal that I'm completely unaware of that puts off most people, AND the people I think I'll try to make an effort to become more friendly with turn out to be completely unsuitable for my needs because they're pushy, etc.

At some point after I turned 50, I decided that I'm probably just a person who's not meant to have friends. And a lot of the time that doesn't bother me, but sometimes it really does. (Luckily, I am married and our relationship is good.)

It's always been my biggest struggle. Not only making friends but also maintaining friendships. It's hard to even talk to my sister. Recently I'm so tired, that I can't even take part in discussions here in this forum although I crave friendship and contact a lot. I'm starved, but at the same time I can't. It's frustrating. I keep living in my inner world with my imagined friends and dolls, that are also my friends. I often have full scenarios with my imagined friends, where we talk while traveling and i talk about the universe. We travel a highway in California and away from city lights we see the whole milky way. The guy stops the car and I leave to enjoy the view of the galaxy in the clear night sky. It's so wonderful, that I start crying (this imagination is so real that I really cry, till I realise, it was just imagined scenario. It repeats endlessly for I don't know how many months but recently got more often. Anytime when my mind gets free,, it switches automatically and I'm on the back seat of the car driving down highway and chatting with my friends about universe, time, dimensions etc.

Yes I just sent the email. Thank you  Cinnabar_wing 

It may have side effects though, and harm more than it would help.

I just get frustrated that people can not find friends.

I think all the ideas of groups is a good one, I think people make friends by going somewhere regularly, and get to know the people who do the same over time. This can be places like work, volunteering, groups etc. If you go to a something, you could even ask to help out, as often having a little responsibility will help you get to know others while giving you a purpose (I find it helps with any anxiety).  It also means the main focus is just being around people regularly without having to commit to being friends until you get to know them better, like Waggers said about less pressure on yourself then.

Good luck, and I hope you can also enjoy chatting on here got company!

 emanningis That's a really good suggestion and the pinned threads, maybe you could email the community manager email to make sure they see?

I'm very fortunate in that I've made some good friends from a few sources. I know not everyone is lucky enough to be able to work and to find a good job even if they can, but two of my closest friends are present and past work colleagues. My other closest friends started off as people I met online through Twitch streams on a subject I'm into and we've since met up in person a couple of times.

But I'm also beginning to realise that there's a lot of societal pressure to have lots of friends and socialise frequently when actually that's not always what we need. Where we might actually be comfortable in our own skin and in our own company, we are sometimes made to feel like we're weird for not interacting with other people more, we're told that there's something missing in our lives, and we start to believe it.

But we don't have to. Don't misunderstand me - having friends and socialising is good and healthy and I recommend it - but it's also not a failing of any kind if you don't. So please don't feel bad that you've struggled with it, and don't feel pressured to have friends and see lots of other people just because that's what society expects. It's so easy to get stressed about this stuff, and ironically that stress and pressure can actually make it harder to actually make friends because it feels like there's so much riding on it.

This might sound silly, but learning to be your own friend first is a big step towards being friends with other people.

One other thing to add is that even for neurotypical people, meeting and getting to know new people is difficult and can seem daunting. So if and when you do manage to meet people, remember they will be just as nervous about it as you are. Try to give them the same reassurance that you would like them to give you.

Hi and welcome to the community! 

Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for us to feel lonely or isolated.

Alongside enjoying chatting with others here (where friendships can also develop naturally over time), you might find some of the advice in these articles helpful:

NAS - Loneliness - includes links to other examples of autistic people's experiences of loneliness and how they cope.

NAS - Making friends - a guide for autistic adults

if you're in the UK, you might like to consider asking your GP for a referral to your local social prescriber. Or just ask the GP’s admin team, who might be able to tell you how to self refer. A social prescriber’s (non-medical) role is to develop a personalised care and support plan that meets your social, practical, and emotional needs.

That could include helping you to find local groups or socialising activities that fit with your interests, for example.

The article below explains more (it relates to England, but the same model operates throughout the UK):

NHS England - Social prescribing

You might also be able to find some socialising opportunities via the the NAS's directory, or through a local or online NAS branch:

NAS - Autism Services Directory

NAS - Branches

As a final couple of suggestions, you could:

• Search on Facebook and/or Google for any local groups that might fit with your interests and hobbies.
  
• Perhaps find some online games you enjoy that also include a social element (eg perhaps they have an associated chat group, or a built-in ways to socialise - like chatting in the game itself).

I would suggest to have something like pinned threads in this forum (less than 3 to avoid cluttering).

(Pinned threads are threads that would be set to appear first in the list of posts.)

One, for people looking for friends. Another example could be "Helplines".

Then people would have more chances of actually making a friend in that thread, since everyone has the same goal.

Maybe moderators can consider it.

tetra said:

How do you even do it?

Here are some ways but I've not used them:

1. I know of people using some phone app. They meet and see whether they get along.
2. Another way is to go to autism community events (or hobbyist events as suggested by Bridalwhistle ), but not all places have.
3. Hang around here and check for others looking for friends (it's very common!)

I can relate. It seems a lot of people have friendgroups they've imported from other places, and getting into them are borderline impossible. My only connections are online (I have three friends that I voicechat and game with).

I see you like Windwaker then? I didn't finish that one (had it on Wii U years ago)

Hi tetra welcome to the community! 

I think making friends as an adult is always seen a little strange to an ordinary person, and it can be unnecessarily hard sometimes. 

What do you enjoy? Do you have any hobbies? Maybe you could find some local groups in the area, they're often great ways to meet like minded people. You might find someone who feels the same way as you. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there, you have lots of offer. And you'll meet some amazing people by doing it