Making friends/loneliness

I've a lifetime of like strugles, am new, may be helpful. He's my post if interested. Hang in there.

80-year-old retired professor, entrepreneur, advocate for abused children in Seattle, recently diagnosed autistic, looking especially for one or two strictly platonic email correspondence friendships. I'm interested less in casual chat than in gradually getting to know another autistic person through thoughtful, reciprocal emails or private messages—sharing experiences, ideas, ordinary life, humor, difficulties, discoveries, pain and gratitude. Age and gender matter less to me than curiosity, openness, kindness and reciprocity.

Also, see if this offers any help. It's an email to a friend perhaps in similar situation:

! I hear your suffering: stress, struggle, fear and anger. It’s all too familiar to me.

Even at 80, I often see such darkness. Oddly, I have a little jewelry box to only open then. It sits where I see it daily. Opening it, I read a note: “This too will pass”.

In such darkness I also find comfort from words on my wall, words were reported found scratched on a German cellar wall after WWII:

"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining.

I believe in love even when I cannot feel it.

I believe in God even when He is silent."

Whether those exact words truly originated in a wartime cellar I, of course, don’t know,

Please know what you’re feeling will pass too.

I also hope the following helps as it has for me:

There is strong evidence that, on average, autistic people experience higher rates of:

• Social isolation and loneliness
• Anxiety and depression
• Unemployment and underemployment
• Bullying, exploitation, and victimization
• Difficulty obtaining appropriate healthcare
• Misunderstanding by educators, employers, and service providers
• Increased stress on families
• Higher rates of homelessness
• Greater involvement with the criminal justice system—most often as victims, but sometimes as defendants

It is important to recognize that troublesome outcomes are neither inevitable nor experienced by all. Outcomes emerge from the interaction between a person and the systems in which they live. Autism itself does not determine a person's life trajectory. Rather, life outcomes emerge from the ongoing interaction between an autistic individual's characteristics and the environments, relationships, and institutions they encounter throughout life. Environments can painfully misunderstand, overlook, or fail to accommodate autistic needs, hence fostering alienation and dysfunction. Alternatively, they can understand, accept, and appropriately support autistic traits, leading toward meaningful, productive, and deeply satisfying lives.

God bless you . . .

I wonder how many people in countries like Japan and Germany genuinely go undiagnosed. I remember at my secondary (was a special school) meeting a Japanese ambassador, he couldn't really grasp how me and my friend could have autism and be capable of things such as coherently speaking and writing. Similar thing when I knew a Russian woman online, saying "you don't look autistic", "but autistic people don't usually talk right?".

I've often wondered, is autism really the problem? Or is it just our society? A society that seems to favour the loudest and most abrasive.

I hope this helps, Pete. For decades & even as far back as primary school. It would really confuse me how people interacted. ‘Pack mentality’ used to take place in primary school and many “adults” still behave like they are still in primary school. The way I observe people just steamrolling over others and no one bats an eyelid - is strange to me. Superficial conversations and playground jokes being told! No thanks. 

Nowadays, since having the blinkers off. Just being who I’m meant to be and if anyone or little clicky groups do not like it. Then that’s their problem. Try not to overthink it and most importantly, be your own best friend. Forcing it or conforming to the perceived “normal” just doesn’t work in the long run for many ADHD/ASD people,IMO. 

Be overly kind to yourself & treat others how you would like to be treated and you will draw in likeminded people. Being relaxed in your own skin is where happiness can be found. Trust me, we have been masking for years. But, there are also millions more who have bolted on masks. 

I also hate small talk.  That's all people ever do in North America is small talk.  Sometimes I wish I was living in Germany or Japan where small talk doesn't matter.

I personally gave up the ideal of having a large group of friends I have people I will speak to sure but in terms of social activitys I prefer to be with family and the even then only the ones who actually understand me and don't use what I say to their own benefit 

I do have one friend who lives in another country bit that friendship is increaainglt becoming harder I can easily see her cultural differences but she sees thibgs as oh well you shouldn't struggle with x y z because its not like that here 

Also what I thought where shared Intrests or personality types we both deal with them difrently to the point it's be coming hard to maintain a conversation  without it causing me sensory issues 

But I think the key is finding pwople who understand you and make you feel included and habibg a small group 

How do you make friends when you dont do small talk,I get confused in my mind and just don't talk and walk off even though id love to talk I dont know what to say. 

I understand how you feel. I do have a few friends but they are all current friends and local. I have no one from past jobs, school, towns I used to live in. I’m not sure what happens but it’s the same every time. I know I sometimes think I am more friends than the other person thinks we are, or sometimes I’m very cautious because I don’t want to frighten someone away. Having hobbies outside the home and working are how I have made all my friends. 

I've had no friends for over 10 years and it never bothered me because I was always in a relasionship at the time, so never felt lonley.

Though this one time in band camp, I mean at a job I use to work at I had good friends, I was living with farmily, and yet I exprenced a break down at work because I felt crippling loneleyness. It was resolved when I got a GF.

But now with whats going on at my current job, where I thought I had work friends that we could have a laugh and we got along to turn out to be back stabbers. Long story short, the documented chat I got afterwards left me  broken and for the first time in a while I'm now starting to feel alone and distrusting of people.

So yeah my job has done that to me... yeahh me!

I do have a plan to recotfile this problem with work, but still not sulition to making friends as it has never come easy to me, and instead I find people be friend me, like adopting a stray.

This gave me a chuckle. “White M on a pinky background”. Mainly because I’m more of a visual & colour person like the apps on my iPad. Like google or gmail being the same colours, so it takes a second or two for my brain to register which is which, if that makes sense?

Yes as Rayyah said. It's a free app: a white M on like a pinky background. 

I thought my complete lack of friends was due to moving around so much as a child - I got used to people disappearing after a year or so, I thought this was normal?

I'd have weekends of just not seeing anybody until I went back to work. I think I just got used to being alone.

I'm in my mid 60's now, and nothing much changed - though I do have a partner - they seem to have more friends than I do.

Strange, because what feels rewarding to me now is meeting people. I never used to enjoy it but now it seems to be part of the delight of life. I guess I learned to appreciate people. Sigh, could have done with that when I was in my twenties.

I think the app is called Meetup - hence is is written with a capital "M".

Can I ask what that app is please cause I also want to meet people to create a social group 

Hi Tetra,

I really get this. I have, since assessment and diagnosis last week been feeling this loneliness and apartness from the world more acutely. Looking at friendships I've lost - well I would make them and then be ghosted, or they would end and I wouldn't understand why. Then on social media seeing them post and share about their closest friends and how rejected and confused I would feel. Like watching the whole world experience the bonds and not understanding why I wasn't included, or I couldn't do the same.

I sit in a cafe with my noise cancelling headphones, writing wordplays and getting completely  immersed in my creative writing and then look up after I don't know how long and it's kind of a spacey feeling - looking around and noticing the tables are more full of people. These beings multi tasking, reading menus, talking, laughing loudly, with no headphones on, not seeming to struggle with the lighting. All blabbering away. I feel like I'm invisible or in a bubble, but like a completely different specie. I'm a 49 year old female and I've always felt this way. Just now that I know I'm autistic, I'm feeling all the times I've felt like this at once almost and it spaces me out more. I don't know if that makes any sense?

Yesterday I joined some Meetup groups - I got the app on my phone. It's too soon to say if I'll find anything useful on there, but there are groups for women on the spectrum and other neurodiverse groups; so I am hopeful. Finding this forum is helping too - like you, I am new to it.

I'm sure others will have more suggestions than me, but I wanted to reply to tell you that I feel this way too.

I hope you also find some things that help. Be great to hear how you get on.

 tetra it's been a few days since you posted this. How are things going? 

I'm very sorry for the late reply. But arts and writing sound very peaceful and genuine. There is that initial joining phase which can be daunting, but it may be someone else's first time to a new experience soon. Groups like that will always enjoy new members :) 

Apologies to jump on something you have already replied to, but I see by one of the replies that you enjoy Zelda. Although I have only played a few of the series, specifically, 'A Link To The Past', 'Ocarina Of Time', 'WindWaker' and 'Breath Of The Wild' (and not all to completion), each have made an impression on me. I tend to enjoy the older style of the earlier entries, as the number of mechanics in the newer entries can feel overwhelming. I also tend to prefer the older style of graphics from earlier entries; simpler but still detailed in their own way. 

May I ask what you enjoyed about Windwaker? 

I feel the exact same way

That's awesome

I've probably played all of them but only beaten some of them. 

I didn't care for the two on NES much but I loved Awakening and Oracle of Seasons/Ages on GBC. I liked Minish Cap yet never finished it for some reason, same with oracle of time. I've always wanted to play Majora's Mask more so for the atmosphere and aesthetic opposed to the gameplay. Didn't play Twilight Princess or Skyward Sword (always wanted to play that one).

I loved BOTW but for some reason I never enjoyed TOTK and put it down within a few hours. I'd say BOTW and Awakening are my favorites (haven't played the Awakening remake though)