Is there a way to be understood without accidentally starting an argument or disagreement? Every time I speak up about something that’s bothered me or how I feel about situation, it’s always thrown back in my face. I look like the bad guy when all I’m trying to do is explain how I feel… It’s very isolating
It makes absolute sense, sudden changes of plan are one of the most universally unsettling things people with autism face, we need time to adjust our mental preperations, we have trouble being spontaneous, we can't just suddenly upsticks and change plans, thats getting into melt down territory.
I don't know about you, but I often feel that I've suddenly started speaking a foreign language when I say something and the instant repsonse is 'what do you mean?', I've been told, 'I don't need to feel that way' and maybe I don't, but thats beside the point because I do feel like that.
Maybe he needs to do some reading about autism and not just one book or article, you need him to understand what makes you tick and what makes you explode, I think he needs to understand for himself too.
I would suggest that you try turning his 'if it were the other way round' back on him when he doesn't want to do something you do. He'll probably come out some rubbish about how he's love it and be fine with it, but don't believe him, this is a controlling tactic that forces you to do the emotional labour of the relationship, maybe you could ask him why he's so inconsistent with what he wants to do? He may be the most supportive guy you've ever met, but that dosen't make him right all the time, nor should you give in, not stand your ground or fear his reaction to how you feel.
I’m late diagnosed, my wife and friends thought they knew me, as my diagnosis sunk in and I started to explore my autistic identity, I found the same as you are finding. To make my life a bit easier I occasionally ask if something can be changed to make it more bearable. It’s often greeted with, “ you used to like that, why are you being so awkward?” I normally then go quiet to stop an argument, sometimes I just blurt out that I’m autistic and need to be accommodated or at least heard. I try to explain that I’m not the person they knew, he was someone I conjured up so I could get through life. I do find I’m accused of making autism all about me.
If there is a way, I haven’t discovered it.
When I gave an opinion, I was called a ‘know all’.
When I expressed a desire, I was called ‘selfish’/‘It’s not all about you’.
When I kept quiet, I was told to ‘be authentic and say what you want/think’’ and ‘why can’t you be like ‘Pauline who says what she thinks?’.
I have been told not to be so compliant.
I don’t know how to give my opinion without people either ignoring me or getting annoyed. Like you, I find it very isolating, but nowadays, I don’t need to have the same number of human interactions as I used to, so most of the time can avoid such comments.
In my relationship mainly. He’s not a bad guy in any way shape or form. In fact, he’s the most supportive guy I’ve ever met. It’s just, sometimes it’s hard to explain how I’m feeling about a situation (for example, when he changes the plan all of a sudden) without him saying “if it were the other way around” or misunderstanding my explanation as me having a go at him if that makes sense
Is there a particular person or situation thats causing this, or is it more general, could you give us an example?
Hey, that’s really hard that you keep getting misunderstood, it can be upsetting and frustrating and lead to withdrawing from even trying, at least that's what I find.
It's hard to help more without more context, so feel free to add more and people might think of more ideas for you. Communication issues is a big part of autism so you aren't alone in finding it difficult.
Sometimes I try to phrase things as a question, so it's less of a blunt statement and invites the other person to respond. Being anxious, I tend to throw in lots of 'maybe' and 'perhaps', and 'possibly this could be an issues', without linking it directly to you if you are testing the ground and the people you are with to see what their response might be? Some people dislike anyone disagreeing with them, which makes it harder to say you might feel differently, so it's not always you either.
Or if you get viewed as being difficult, it doesn't matter what you say, they always see you as hostile afterwards. You could try even just saying you'd like to have some input, but are unsure if it will be taken badly, and see if they then invite your input and hopefully won't be so negative towards you then?
I hope it helps a little, and as I said feel free to expand if you want more specific input and someone else might have different suggestions?
