Finding it hard to Grieve

Thanks again for the advice, its very much appreciated.

I am deeply sorry about your friend and brother too. Allow the freedom and space to grieve however you need. 

Whatever happens with your ASD assesment, you are you. Everything about you makes you special and unique, with all your gifts. The assesment can certainly bring certainty, but there is nothing wrong with you I promise. And what ever happened is not your fault. 

thankyou

Thankyou for your reply, it means a lot.  Yea, mum meant so much as have all those I have lost prior, being my brother and after my brother, a dear friend.  Im just struggling in the midst of my 2nd ASD assessment and the waiting that occurs.  I so want to be told that yes you are different, everything is ok and what has happened in the past is not your fault.

Thanks again.

Hi McG. 

First of all, I am truly sorry for your loss. It's such a shocking event that no one can ever funky prepare for. I hope you have a great support network around you. We are all here for you anyway. 

As Martin said, there's really no prescribed or scripted way to feel. It sounds like your mum meant a lot to you, and that certainly takes a long time to process. 

We lost my mother in law this week, and a woman helping us to preserve flowers in her garden said time can help heal all wounds. I hope that provides some comfort. 

Do direct message me if you like. We're all here for you. You are not sily I promise you. 

Hi McG, 

I am very sorry for your loss. 

We each grief in our own way, there is no right or wrong way. Try to be kind to yourself during this time. 

If you would like, we do have a page on experiencing bereavement as an autistic adult, in case you want to have a look: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/mental-health/bereavement/autistic-adults 

Best wishes, 

Alice Mod

Don't worry about it. Everyone grieves in different ways. There's no right or wrong way to grieve.

And my mom would've also turned 65 tomorrow, she passed 3 days before her 61st birthday 

Thank you for sharing your story and I agree Grieving is so personal and I know we all experience it differently in our own unique ways.

Thanks again 

Tomorrow I will be travelling north for my mum's funeral. She would have been 86 in a few weeks. I've not  shared how I'm really feeling because I think most people just wouldn't "get it"  and I think they'd probably think I'm weird at best and horrible at worst.

I've lived a long way from my family since I was 20 (I'm 65 now) so they're not part of my every day life. Mum had Alzheimer's so I feel as though she's been gone for many years because she no longer knew who I was when I visited and in recent times her quality of life was zero.

People have hugged me in response to my loss and I just feel that wasn't necessary because I don't feel particularly sad. Just relieved that she's at peace at last. I have been questioning if I'm a horrible uncaring daughter for not crying bucket loads of tears but I love my mum and I will miss her. Tomorrow I feel like I will have to look sad when (at the moment) I feel fairly indifferent. Losing my mum isn't the worst loss I've had. Losing my husband almost 11 years ago was. 

Grieving is a very personal response and I realise that we can grieve very differently for different people. How much we loved them has little bearing on this. Also - just because there's a specific date involved (in your case the anniversary of your mum's passing) that doesn't mean we have to reserve that day for mourning and being sad. 

Thank you for the advice, it has been a long drawn out process and because I am at the last hurdle, I worry I am going to fall. Telling myself its just coincidence I suppose that my mum's anniversary is happening around this time of assessment.

Grieving is entirely individual, there is no prescribed way to grieve. I wept buckets when my mum was dying in hospital. At her funeral I was completely composed, it felt like it had nothing to do with either my mum, who had already gone, or my relationship with her. It was just a public ritual that had to be enacted.

People do not go through the long drawn out (NHS), or expensive (private), process of getting an autism diagnosis on a whim. If you feel that an autism diagnosis is necessary for you then it almost certainly is. Try not comparing yourself to other autistic people, they will have different traits and problems than you have. If you need comparisons look at the autism criteria in the diagnostic manuals.

Thankyou

It's okay to grieve and show emotions etc

Thanks for that, I am currently listening to the band Queen whom my mum loved and it's given me a wry smile which is nice. Suppose this is my way of remembering. Thankyou

Good morning from America, McG!

Mourning is a complicated thing, and the strangest thing about it is that it manifests differently for different people. Like I remember going to a funeral for my brother where I was completely shut down and went through the whole thing like a zombie. Meanwhile his grandma was a terror. She mourned by lashing out at everyone about everything, blaming family members for her not getting the right seat and essentially blaming the town for my brother’s death (which was ridiculous). But hey, was I mourning any better? No, it was just different.

It’s okay if you feel like you’re not grieving “properly.” It might just be your unique way of dealing with it.

I really hate the show, but Gilmore Girls has a great concept they call “Luke’s Dark Day,” in which a main character mourns his dad’s death anniversary by disconnecting with the world and going fishing. It’s his unique way of grieving for someone that was very important to him.