Being easily manipulated

Good afternoon from America, RohannT91.

I’m the same age as you and I was scammed/manipulated a lot growing up. Now I’m at a point where I don’t trust anything remotely suspicious, but I still find it extremely difficult to say no to people. So I get what you’re saying.

One thing I want to make clear is that you falling for another scam does not mean that you are doomed to keep falling for them. Even if we’re a bit more susceptible to them as Autistics, we can learn to sniff them out over time.

So here’s an idea: If you ever get into a situation where you think you might be getting scammed, post about it here. As you can see from the earlier replies, we don’t judge, but we can inform if something sounds suspicious. And if you’re too embarrassed to ask us about it, then it’s probably a scam, right? That’s how I learned to sus out scams: If I’m too embarrassed to discuss it with a trusted confidant, then it’s probably not right.

Hello RohannT91 

Welcome to the community.

I’m sorry that you feel so bad but you are not to blame and the intent of your actions were good. You were the victim of a horrible, horrible thing and your feelings reflect the impact that unfortunately many people experience every day, because tricksters and fraudsters are getting more sophisticated. 

Something similar happened years ago to someone I know and they described feelings similar to you. They kept talking about being gullible and being stupid. Also, I have seen some of those TV shows about scams in which the police describe the feelings of those who have been scammed by people; feeling ‘stupid’ is common, but it doesn’t reflect the reality of you as a person, even though you feel it. 

I always held people as friends quite loosely it also helped me to observe them for what they are.

I have had this I used to and still do get moved in on, and gaslighted by people. I’m highly aware of what people are like when I first meet them, it’s usual that these people think they are quite clever, smile and stare. It’s unlikely that it will happen again if you are wary and ask for more information. In the  past I’ve been overly cautious and asked people for exte id at my door when they have actually been genuine. 

Stuart333 said:

This may be controversial, but be careful with charities, particularly when collecting in the street or on the doorstep.

I agree with that. 

Also, I haven’t put money in shop charity boxes for years ever since I heard of money going missing from a box. A man I know who owns a business had a Poppy Day charity box in which he put several large denomination bank notes. The box was collected from the business by the charity and he was given a receipt which was for less than the amount he alone had put in, never mind the money from other customers. 

I have a few charities that I give to but I always donate online.

This may be controversial, but be careful with charities, particularly when collecting in the street or on the doorstep.

They can use paid 3rd parties to help raise funds. The 3rd party keeps a proportion of the money. They can use pressure selling, but also use emotive language and pictures to trigger your empathy.

My advice is don't sign anything or do a direct debit, or give money other than a pound if you want. If you really like it get details and think about it for a few days. You can give online, or by post, if you want to later. It takes away the pressure and you can decide in your own time. You aren't saying no, just that you want to think about it. This should make it easier.

I used to deal with people pretending to be my friends to take advantage of me back when I was a kid. I feel really stupid about it now

So hard isn't it. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. Yeh I know a guy who was scammed out of his life savings and lost everything he had built for his future over 1 phone scam! :(

I have had the same therapist for 10 years for a variety of reasons and he's awesome, he helped me through the last issue when I told him but I haven't been able to see him since before Christmas as he isn't NHS and I can't afford it at the moment.

I've been looking it up myself since though, especially in relation to ND's to try and understand what happens and how to prevent it. Hopefully gaining some understanding (and the support here) will help me to avoid it in the future 

Thank you for reading and responding :) I think I'm beating myself up more this time because I feel like I should have spotted the warning signs having experienced this before if that makes sense...

But as you say, it's not always easy to spot and when I look back on it (which I am able to do a little calmer now) the methods were quite different. One was long term drawing me in, building up the manipulation slowly and exploiting me over time - and it was an in-person friendship where I ended up with them every day completely consumed by their life. 

But this time it was sudden and he was intense and he was constantly asking - even ringing me at 3/4am so it was a different kind of pressure.

I've definitely learnt that I find it hard to say no and need to work on that, and if a friendship requires money (Especially as I struggle for money) then being pressured for it is a huge red flag.

It does make you realise how vulnerable you can be and does kind of freak you out a bit wondering whether you could be more vulnerable in other areas of your life than you thought   

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply and I'm sorry you have experienced this too. I would say you have definitely given me advice not to beat myself up! Though it's hard not to. Sending solidarity to you

I also have a history of being exploited by someone who I trusted. It's hard, you are not stupid, don't beat yourself up. I also understand how hard it is to confess such an experience to a family member or friend. As I'm myself vulnerable it's hard for me to give any useful advice. I can only say, I relate.

If it didn't work there wouldn't be any conmen/women.

It is not always easy to spot. This is what they rely on. Some are malicious, sone just opportunistic or think there aren't really doing anything wrong thinking it is the other person's fault.

Don't beat yourself up. Wanting to help is a good thing. Others exploiting this says more about them. You are probably judging yourself more harshly than others.

The important thing is to learn from it and see how you could avoid it in future. Don't be scared to say no. Any real friend is not going to stop talking to you if you can't lend them money. If people put pressure on you, think carefully.

I know when dysregulated or overloaded it is hard to think clearly though.

But being manipulated is something I worry about.

Navigating friendships is really really difficult, we want to believe the best in people, but somehow manage to attract the worst of people.

Maybe you could go to a therapist and work on this issue? How can you learn to recognise when someones scamming you, how to say no etc?

So many people are or have been in your situation, many of them NT's its not just us ND's, some people have lost everything, you're not alone and everybody who is or has been in your situation will be feeling the same as you.

You've told us and thats a big start.