• Replies 39 replies
  • Subscribers 87 subscribers
  • Views 1005 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

does authenticity evolve?  Summary: I'm exploring how to balance my natural blunt logic with emotional awareness without burning out.

Phased

 I would like to discuss "evolving" authenticity as an autistic person with other members please.

I have come to decide post diagnosis that masking has hidden the "real" me for some time.

Now as I am apparently "discovering" who I am it would appear that I may be "evolving" as a person.

By which I give an examples that within this community I initially was drawn to make rapid response to others posts - mainly from a logical and often "blunt" fashion that has not fairly taken into account the other persons mental state.

This is a behaviour that i know myself to be biased towards and often have been a very harsh self-critic as i have no desire whatsoever to disregard other people's emotions or to harm them - especially people who I love and care about.

I now find myself returning to situations when this has happened and doing my best to redress the balance perhaps more promptly than I would have in the past.

I am accustomed to this process pre-diagnosis albeit often only after after a more prolonged period of reflection.

If there is the "bridge" to cross where one does not have to "correct" for this bias - where one naturally knows in advance what is the "best" approach for communication with any individual at any one time I find this much easiest to do with my very close family and loved ones.

I am drawn to want to express deep empathy for other people in order to stimulate this same depth of "best" communication however am really concerned about this being clumsy or socially misinterpreted.

Otherwise in broad terms I see a situation where one is able to discern in advance whether the individual is OK for and open to a logical and "blunt" approach - especially since there are layers of apparent confusion in my interpretation of how the person signals their openness and readiness for this.

Or one is able to identify that the best approach is to look for and explore further insights into their shifting emotional landscape and make ones behaviour most appropriate for this.

Both these latter options involve a "translation tax" of extra work that I have to make to bridge the empathy gap.  I am realising that this also exists within my communication with other members on this forum - people who are often most willing to put up with bluntness but perhaps need the opposite a lot of the time.  Because like me they spend a lot of the time in a mentally and emotionally exhausted state.

I find that there are many suggestions as to reduce the amount of "translation tax" of combining a firm logic based blunt processor with a more widely socially orientated perspective.  I wonder whether doing so over a prolonged period mans that eventually the "cost" of doing so is reduced - partly because in practicing it it becomes a more easily selected means of behaviour.

Perhaps this is evolving authenticty?

  • in reply to Phased

    Thank you to both you and leveller61 - I agee: there is a gap in the market.

    In an effort to prompt non-medical advice discussion I have posted the below thread:

     Avoiding Muscle Cramps ...things I have learned ...the hard way 

    Fingers-crossed; the fellow cramp-bunnies will have some wisdom to share.

  • in reply to Phased

    Thank you  

    Best wishes for your construction too!

  • in reply to ArchaeC
    Neuroplasticity—now we’re talking  ! I want to give a bit of a whoop of congratulation for that shift in perspective. Moving from feeling undeserving to actively wanting to build new pathways is a huge step.
    As someone trained as a neuro-physio, this is a topic very close to my heart. I can tell you with both professional and personal certainty: yes, our brains are absolutely amenable to new construction.
    In fact, research often suggests that autistic brains are hyper-plastic. We don’t lack the ability to change; the challenge is that our fear and survival pathways—like masking—got laid down so deeply and efficiently early on that they became our default highways.
    I’ve had to view my own evolution as a form of social rehab. Just like physical rehab, building these new pathways for relaxed compassion is physically tiring at first because you are literally laying down new infrastructure. I’ve made plenty of mistakes and tripped up along the way, but every time I choose the bridge over the wall, I’m firing a new neural circuit.
    The rule is that neurons that fire together, wire together. By practicing this in the real world, you are gradually making that new path smoother and faster over time. It’s a different kind of tired than the exhaustion of masking because you aren't just performing—you’re building a brain that actually feels safer and more connected.
    That energy refund I mentioned isn't just a feeling; it’s the biological reward of a successful, regulated interaction. It is definitely worth the new construction fatigue.
    You have my very best wishes!
  • in reply to Phased
    Phased said:
    Masking feels like building a wall to hide behind, while translation feels like building a bridge to connect.

    I like your translation.

    Phased said:
    When I mask out of fear, I end up exhausted

    I have removed myself from many things that caused me to mask out of fear. Now I want to begin engaging more in things as a way of building new brain pathways that could help lift my mood. I have read a bit about neuroplasticity and I’m wondering if autistic brains are amenable to new construction. 

  • in reply to ArchaeC
    I really appreciate your thoughts on this  . I hear your point about the literature—it often frames any change in style as a mask. But I’ve started to see it differently: Masking feels like building a wall to hide behind, while translation feels like building a bridge to connect.
    In my experience, if my natural bluntness prevents my compassion from being seen, then that bluntness is actually the thing hiding my true self. By paying the translation tax to be more relaxed and gentle, I’m not faking a persona; I’m just making sure my true intentions aren't lost in the gap between us.
    This has been a very gradual change for me. While I started by trying it out in safe circumstances with people I trust, I’ve now moved beyond that phase. I'm applying this in the wider world, even when the ground isn't as predictable. It’s like moving from a practice trail to the actual mountain.
    I have to acknowledge, though, that exploring this different ground is definitely tiring. Even when the change is positive, the novelty of navigating a new communication style carries its own weight. I’ve certainly made mistakes along the way—tripping up or getting the timing wrong—and that learning curve has a real cost. It’s a different kind of tired than the shame of masking, but it is still a lot of work.
    The most surprising part for me is that the cost of the tax actually gets recovered. When I mask out of fear, I end up exhausted. But when I choose to be relaxed and the connection actually works, the interaction itself recharges me. The safety of being truly seen acts like an energy refund. It makes the effort feel sustainable rather than impossible.
  • in reply to Phased

    Shame is a dreadful weight to carry so I empathise. Sometimes I think I’m deluded in not feeling the same shame I did before diagnosis but I think that’s because I feel undeserving of having the weight lifted. Feeling undeserving or unworthy doesn’t make sense as nobody deserves to feel unworthy as a human being. Society does not always value people as worthy in their own right despite how they may be or what they have done.

    Building a skill to express your authentic caring side is similar to a communication skill I have worked on in a different context. Like you, I don’t consider that being less blunt in order to express a benevolent intention is masking, but literature (see below) seems to contradict this idea. According to the website below, it would suggest you are wanting to unmask your values but that wouldn’t be possible unless you mask your communication style. I’m struggling to understand if masking is as easily defined as it suggests. I infer that it is more than unrealistic to be unmasked all the time, it is impossible, yet this is rarely discussed in the literature I’ve read.

    • prioritizing your natural communication style – whether that means being direct, speaking literally, or asking for clarification around jokes & metaphors if you’re unable to read the “tone” of the conversation (hello, double empathy challenge)

    https://www.seasonsofgrowthcounseling.com/blog/unmasking-late-diagnosed-autistic-adults

    Your analogy of translation tax being like the climb up and down of a mountain illustrates it perfectly.

  • in reply to pietro_21

    That’s a really interesting point about using the 'disengaged clutch' to navigate those sticky situations  . I’ve actually just replied to your other comment over on the 'gears' thread about that very thing—it might be easier to keep this 'gearbox' conversation going over there so we don't lose the flow!

  • in reply to Phased

    This has a lot to do with my personality type which sends me in loops anyway. I would consider at that point that this is disengagement of the clutch from my gears. I am more aware of thus now than I was when younger. I believe it is key to focus and getting out of  sticky situations. 

  • in reply to pietro_21

    sorry for the delay  mulled your answer over thanks for it - has got me thinking- here's my reply:

    I really resonate with that gearbox metaphor. It perfectly captures that monotropic flow state—where once the gears finally mesh, the engine is in total sync. Like you said, the mind has to be 'fully engaged' for it to feel like actual 'action.'
    It’s powerful when it happens, but I think you’re right that 'so much of the time it doesn’t feel like this.' For a lot of us, everyday communication feels like grinding the gears because we're forced to jump between social 'channels' that just don't line up with our internal engine. That's why it's so taxing.
    I’ve been thinking lately about how to make that shifting less brutal. I’ve started looking at things like taking my dogs for a walk or watering the plants as a physical 'clutch.' It gives my engine a chance to idle and reset.
    Actually, I’ve found that using these routines is a great way to practice 'changing gears' in a non-threatening way. Because there’s no social pressure, I can learn what it feels like to disengage and shift without the risk of 'stalling' or crashing. It’s like a low-stakes training ground for those higher-risk social situations where the gears feel much heavier.
    Do you have any 'neutral' activities like that—things that help you step away or practice that reset when the social gears aren't meshing?
  • in reply to pietro_21

    I disagree, I think you can do it at any age, personally I was doing and learning to do this sort of thing in my thirties.

    I wonder if you're trying to hard? Sometimes it's better to let the rational, catagorsing, judging mind take a back seat and just be with what you're feeling and experiencing. Many things are true and many things can be true and contradictory, we live in a world filled with contradictions and we have to get comfortable with them. These could be called grey areas, but whatever we call them, we have to learn to live with them, move through them and validate them and not live in a world of either or's.

  • in reply to Lonehare12

    Thanks,   Bumpiest at home - which does not seem uncommon, even though we hope that's where we'll be most supported!

  • in reply to leveller61

    That’s good to hear  

    It feels quite surreal at times though, that there’s been this other person inside just hiding.

    I hope you don’t have to encounter too many bumps along the way.

    Blush

  • in reply to Phased

     I like your idea that the emotional side may have always been there but just harder to express.

    Your example of spinning made me smile and doing so until we find the right direction 

    Like you I think logic will probably always be my natural way of thinking but I know I can work with it and find the right balance.

  • in reply to pietro_21

    apologies   am checking out for now will give an answer properly tomorrow

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    This is so awful, I don't know how you managed. I would write them a strongly worded letter/email, detailing exactly how damaging your experience was, the inappropriate condescending behaviour which warrants a formal apology, and end with direction that they with haste ensure their providers have adequate training as I would say you were actively discriminated against for disclosing your autism, which I would remind them is against the law and a protected characteristic.

    I am indignant on your behalf, and if they don't make amends, should be named and shamed to prevent others having to endure such a terrible experience.

  • in reply to Phased

    Post diagnosis really it is about self discovery or helping others.

    It feels like im a lot more into the cognitive engagement part a lot more than is required, useful or productive sometimes. It’s possible to know a lot more than you will ever be able to communicate to anyone else. So the language needs ti be the same - or it’s taxing, I agree.

    if I think about bias and preference when it comes to communication and an autistic mind I think about a car gearbox. The mind has to be fully engaged in whatever it is doing for the gears to mesh and engine to drive. This is what flow and good communication are to me. It feels right and there is also an action, so much of the time it doesn’t feel like this. That’s the best metaphor I have at the moment.

  • in reply to pietro_21
    I see where you’re coming from with the 'inbuilt bias'  — it’s essentially a Type 1 survival response. When you feel the world isn't ready for how you process things, it’s easy to get stuck in that instinctive, defensive mode. It’s a way to avoid disadvantage, but it’s mostly driven by Type 1 stress.
    The trouble is, that level of stress makes it nearly impossible to move into a Type 2 way of thinking, where you can actually analyse the situation more logically. It feels like a tactical advantage, but it’s a very expensive way to live.
    It reminds me of the idea that you sometimes have to climb the mountain to reach the ease of the valley. Being in that defensive, biased mode is like staying on the steep climb permanently because you're afraid the valley isn't safe yet.
    Regarding not putting yourself at a disadvantage: the world might never be fully 'ready'. While that's frustrating, the only place any of us really have agency is in building our own internal boundaries and skills. Waiting for the world to change before moving out of that defensive mode effectively gives away your power to the very system you don't trust. It’s about finding a way to get to that 'valley' of ease on your own terms.
  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    This requires a nuanced approach that only really comes much later (post 40's). Self compassion is something I struggle with. Truths: there are many and they often run parallel.  I would just like to know that the apple I am holding is the same one you see. Same with love I sometimes see flaws in believing someone is the only one. Different discussion.

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Thanks  

    I get the 'relief' part—it’s striking how that 'inherently bad' label starts to drop off after a diagnosis. Personally, I'm still working through the shame, but I'm finding it's shifting. I’m noticing more 'insults' from the outside now—things clearly designed, whether people realise it or not, to make me feel that old shame again. It’s why I'm finding that setting firm boundaries is so important; it’s a necessary part of recovering from burnout and stopping those external pressures from getting through.

    On the masking side, I'm trying to look at it a bit differently. I don't see being 'less blunt' as just a mask I put on for other people's sake. For me, it's more about building a skill. I want to express my 'authentic' caring side in a way that actually lands properly, rather than it getting lost in a delivery that people might misunderstand.

    As for the 'translation tax', I find it really depends on my mental and emotional state at the time—and theirs too. Even when I’m calibrated with someone, there are still periods where there's a significant offset. It reminds me of the idea that you sometimes have to climb the mountain to reach the ease of the valley. But as anyone who hikes knows, it’s often harder and more taxing on the body to climb back down than it was to go up. The effort isn't a linear path, and the terrain just requires more from you depending on the day.