• Replies 39 replies
  • Subscribers 87 subscribers
  • Views 906 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

does authenticity evolve?  Summary: I'm exploring how to balance my natural blunt logic with emotional awareness without burning out.

Phased

 I would like to discuss "evolving" authenticity as an autistic person with other members please.

I have come to decide post diagnosis that masking has hidden the "real" me for some time.

Now as I am apparently "discovering" who I am it would appear that I may be "evolving" as a person.

By which I give an examples that within this community I initially was drawn to make rapid response to others posts - mainly from a logical and often "blunt" fashion that has not fairly taken into account the other persons mental state.

This is a behaviour that i know myself to be biased towards and often have been a very harsh self-critic as i have no desire whatsoever to disregard other people's emotions or to harm them - especially people who I love and care about.

I now find myself returning to situations when this has happened and doing my best to redress the balance perhaps more promptly than I would have in the past.

I am accustomed to this process pre-diagnosis albeit often only after after a more prolonged period of reflection.

If there is the "bridge" to cross where one does not have to "correct" for this bias - where one naturally knows in advance what is the "best" approach for communication with any individual at any one time I find this much easiest to do with my very close family and loved ones.

I am drawn to want to express deep empathy for other people in order to stimulate this same depth of "best" communication however am really concerned about this being clumsy or socially misinterpreted.

Otherwise in broad terms I see a situation where one is able to discern in advance whether the individual is OK for and open to a logical and "blunt" approach - especially since there are layers of apparent confusion in my interpretation of how the person signals their openness and readiness for this.

Or one is able to identify that the best approach is to look for and explore further insights into their shifting emotional landscape and make ones behaviour most appropriate for this.

Both these latter options involve a "translation tax" of extra work that I have to make to bridge the empathy gap.  I am realising that this also exists within my communication with other members on this forum - people who are often most willing to put up with bluntness but perhaps need the opposite a lot of the time.  Because like me they spend a lot of the time in a mentally and emotionally exhausted state.

I find that there are many suggestions as to reduce the amount of "translation tax" of combining a firm logic based blunt processor with a more widely socially orientated perspective.  I wonder whether doing so over a prolonged period mans that eventually the "cost" of doing so is reduced - partly because in practicing it it becomes a more easily selected means of behaviour.

Perhaps this is evolving authenticty?

Parents

  • This article by Jay Eveson-Egler, BA (they/them) includes some links to masking studies on this subject (2018, 2019 , 2020).

    Of particular note; a series of kinks highlighting when authenticity might prove problematic, such as interaction with the criminal justice system / police (cue the use of Autism alert card in people's wallet or purse).

    It also exposes the context if particular settings e.g. education (and I would add healthcare or wellbeing providers).

    aane.org/.../

    I had a recent first-hand experience of this.  In an effort to reduce the stress of engagement with a new wellbeing setting (where I knew we would likely navigate a busy town centre before we reached the park where we would pause to work on some new exercise ideas - I prior-disclosed that as an Autistic adult I would make use of ANC headphones to mitigate the impact of the urban environment.  This disclosure was made during a long, detailed, wide-ranging telephone interview with their co-ordinator.  I made it clear I would still be able to hear the instructor just find - the headphones were just an aud to better manage the heavy traffic soundscape.

    I think most of my interview got lost in translation between the co-ordinator and the instructor as when the instructor arrived, they did not say hello or introduce themselves - they just stood still with outstretched arm pointing at me and started walking off down the pavement.

    I wanted to check I had the right person so I said "good morning, may I ask you name?".  They didn't turn round but did say their first name and muttered "how are you today?".  I gave a non-scripted, proper, answer (to which their completely missed the mark platitude reply demonstrated they had not listened to what I had said at all).  Their answer would have been, maybe, appropriate to a 4 year old child.

    I stopped walking along the pavement.  I am thinking we are wasting each others time if we cannot communicate.

    They realised I had stopped walking and turned around to face me.  I repeated my reply and I could see they understood what I had said.  For a few minutes more usual adult conversation continued as we walked along the pavement.

    ...until they dropped back into what might have been successful for a 6 year old child.  "Ooh!  The pavement gets a bit narrow here".  And what might have worked for a 1970's Green Cross Code TV commercial for the rest of the journey. 

    I didn't make a fuss - deciding this might just be their autopilot if they usually walk that route with their own children.

    However, it didn't stop there - the inane, patronising  patter continued once we arrived at the park.   "Ooh!  Look, there is a QR code on the sign, we can use my phone to find out more". 

    Weirdly, the chatter started to oscillate between extreme kiddy winks and highly specialised anatomy (I did A Level Biology, however they were prattling away with lists of muscle names I have never heard of before).

    We discovered an area of outdoor adult gym equipment - more childlike babble ensued - now augmented by things like "this is a static bycicle, you can sit on the seat and put your feet on the peddles to turn the wheel around".

    By now, that well known phrase involving ...Sherlock was silently running through my mind!

    In an effort to wrestle control of the aircraft, and get something out of the endeavour, I asked: "as this static cycle has no resistance adjustment - what isometric techniques might we try while using this piece of equipment?".

    Blank.  Completely ignored - it fell on deaf ears!

    Onto the next piece of equipment - a repeat performance of similar nonsense.

    My last attempt at a redirect: I described how recently I had been stood up and moving about - for 5 hours - supporting children and young people learning how to do indoor crafts and outdoor wide games.  I explained that, in such situations my leg cramp would kick in badly when I sat down to eat my pack lunch (so I instead, I had walked around eating my lunch).  I asked: "were there some cool-down stretches I could learn to mitigate the leg cramps?".

    Stony silence. 

    Followed by a return route choice which included the literally steepest, longest, straightest street in the town (so steep that refuse bin lorries and delivery vans don't attempt it in ice, plus, the keen local cyclists rate it as "Red, 0" for both steepness and comfort ...and give it a wide berth).

    By the top of the hill; the muscles above my knees were shrieking and then contorted into cramp while we waited for the fire truck to leave its station.  The pace frog-marched up the hill was such that; both the instructor and my nose were absolutely streaming.  (I got the distinct impression the instructor thought this was a certain method to put me off coming again - yeah - that did indeed work).

    While walking back towards our start point, the instructor exclaimed weird rubbish like: "Ooh!  Look!  A tiny little garden gate ...it is like a fairy door!".

    I had totally heard quite enough and remained silent for the remainder of the journey.

    At the end off the uphill march there were no cool-down exercises or stretches.

    The instructor just gave me a pack and walked back to their car.

    The co-ordinator had described to me the pack would include things like a resistance band and exercise sheets to work muscle groups at home using the band.  Sounded good - as I had explained I suffer with cramp.

    Is that what I received? 

    Nope. 

    The instructor presented me with an exercise book of seated stick people exercises for people ...25 years my senior along with ...a tea towel (printed with yet more stick people) demonstrating ...how to sit on a chair and ...roll my shoulder!

    When I got home I contacted the co-ordinator, cancelling future engagement and offering my feedback and a suggestion:

    [I attached a photo to them]

    ..."my photo shows the entire contents of "the pack" (a tea towel? ...was that instead of a resistance band?), plus, the page 12 of "homework" to which I was directed.  

    I admit,when I got home and had the chance to look in the pack; I did have a sense of humour failure when I discovered the tea towel.  

    May I suggest the following text, plus an appropriate selection of stick-people, for the tea towel's next print run: 

    'Using a tea towel for personal training (PT) is a versatile, low-cost method to improve flexibility, strength, and posture at home.  

    Key exercises include towel-assisted shoulder stretches, isometric pull-aparts for back strength, and sliding exercises for core, using common household tea towels as effective fitness tools.'

    Thank you, but no, I will not be continuing these sessions."

    Suffice it to conclude: that my excursion - that particular day - via "authenticity" had been ...an epic fail. 

    Back to the drawing board I go.

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Oh gosh that's an awful experience  

    I completely appreciate why that would lead to a "sense of humour failure".

    As I understand this your being "authentic" led to being treated like an infant and your demonstrations of adult insightful capability where ignored and patronised.

    At the heart of this I believe there may be an an inability in the individuals you encountered being able in real time to discriminate between what is being done and how it is done.

    At essence the complete opposite of a desirable out come in respect of your having experiences that motivated you resulted.

    Please don't give up on your goal to understand why your body feels like it does and doing something to help it feel better.

    As I write this I see  's response.

    I have a long background in fitness myself if you would like me to pass on some of the tips I have acquired that work for me as a neurodivergent person too I can do so I believe without contravening the terms and conditions of use of the website.

    I and others are here to stand beside you.

    Best Wishes

  • in reply to Phased

    Thank you to both you and leveller61 - I agee: there is a gap in the market.

    In an effort to prompt non-medical advice discussion I have posted the below thread:

     Avoiding Muscle Cramps ...things I have learned ...the hard way 

    Fingers-crossed; the fellow cramp-bunnies will have some wisdom to share.

Reply Children
No Data