does authenticity evolve?  Summary: I'm exploring how to balance my natural blunt logic with emotional awareness without burning out.

the gist of it is, I can't put myself at a disadvantage, if the World is not yet Ndiverse ready. I know who to trust, at the outset - this is probably built on my own inbuilt bias/preference systems.

I understand  Phased 

Thank you so much for sharing that ArchaeC —it’s a really powerful and relatable reflection on the diagnosis journey and the complexity of masking. I definitely want to give this the depth of response it deserves, but I’m just about to head off for dinner so I don't crash. I’ll be back with a proper reply once I've refuelled. Speak soon!

This is a difficult thing for me to engage with because although I’ve known I was autistic only since late 2024, I’ve spent much of my adult life trying to find the authentic me in the context of believing I was different, inherently bad and and that my traits were shameful and embarrassing. I have reams of books on related mental health topics and I reached a state of burnout prior on several occasions. It’s remarkable that an autism diagnosis has relieved me of most of the negative feelings of self.  Having worked through some literature on masking, I don’t know how to find greater authenticity, and I’m not sure that I need to, although I would be open to knowing should it be revealed to me. 

I mask when it serves me well but the need to mask is decreasing as I spend more time on my own now. I’m more able to be the person I believe I am with the few friends I have now.

I’m less blunt than I used to be and perhaps that is because I put on a mask because I have learned why some of my comments could be considered insensitive. Alternatively, it could be that I care enough not to want to hurt others, so putting on the mask allows me to sleep at night knowing they are ok.

Phased said:

By which I give an examples that within this community I initially was drawn to make rapid response to others posts - mainly from a logical and often "blunt" fashion that has not fairly taken into account the other persons mental state.

You may perceive that you are blunt, but I haven’t noticed that. You may get straight to the point, but more importantly you come across as polite, considerate and helpful. There is a difference between being blunt and being rude, and you definitely know the difference, so I would be surprised that anyone should say otherwise and not see what your true intentions are. 

Phased said:

I am drawn to want to express deep empathy for other people in order to stimulate this same depth of "best" communication however am really concerned about this being clumsy or socially misinterpreted

I have been in situations where I’ve meant one thing and the other person has taken it’s to mean something else, which isn’t good if it’s something deeply personal. Sometimes I would like to say something but draw back because I don’t want to risk being misunderstood.

Phased said:

I find that there are many suggestions as to reduce the amount of "translation tax" of combining a firm logic based blunt processor with a more widely socially orientated perspective.  I wonder whether doing so over a prolonged period mans that eventually the "cost" of doing so is reduced - partly because in practicing it it becomes a more easily selected means of behaviour.

Over time, the cost is reduced, at least that is my experience. If communication is established with the same person or persons over a while, it becomes less taxing. Initial communication is costly, especially if it is a deep personal matter. 

Hehe teflon coated kevlar for me then TheCatWoman  - and makes sure I stay away from the heavier ammunitions if I can! Happy to carry on working with people like you to sort that out - thanks again.   I'm up for practice - I can't avoid all the stuff life throws at me as much as I would like to :-)  

Fair play, Pietro—that’s a pretty heavy, perceptive take on the 'authenticity trap.' You’ve clearly hit a wall with how transactional everything feels. It’s a sobering look at the social contract, but I reckon everyone has their own way of navigating that mess. Appreciate the candid input.

I am in this constant struggle that even if I evolve can I really communicate that to anyone fully. 
part of being authentic comes from the belief at least that others around you are accepting (however you are). I don’t know about others with ASD but for me this rarely extends outside of close circles. There’s also the how much of what o believe about myself is real in the greater scheme of things I might be wrong.

Just because you behave authentically dosen't mean you have to leave yourself open to being used and abused by the unscrupulous, you still have to wary, it's just that you will react in ways that authentic to you.

Two, or more people can end up in a bad situation and both have equally contributed to it, they both need support and validation and they can be authentic in thier hurt and need for belief and comfort. Truth is never rarely just about one person and their actions, inactions beliefs etc. Surely we learn to become more authentic when we become more compassionate both towards ourselves and others, to me they go hand in hand. Being a doormat or allowing yourself to be used as one is compassionate to no one, nor is walking over others, although often you may have to walk away from them.

I don’t believe authenticity is always reciprocated, or by everyone in the same ways. If I think about the hardest things I am learning or have to deal with, they often involve other people. If I want to earn money it involves some transactional exchange with other people. There is no way around this. How blood is thicker than water, or how other people group with others they recognise similar traits to their own in (this can make you believe people are alike/but it can be a situation ripe for deception). When people group like this they often proclaim themselves to be victims or underdogs, by comparing them to other socially. me this is defeatist. This doesn’t realy take into account the reality the other negated person is living in. And too far simplistic/desensitised way to look at people in the world. I also think it is a weakness to pick a side and try to build some sort of support for your belief that way. I personally don’t look to others to find any lost  part of myself, I find being in situations with people whose behaviour is unadaptable in this way to be unhelpful to me, I can read disingenuous people too easily. They may read that as me taking immediate dislike, but it’s not that at all, I see that they lack the awareness in themself. In terms of authenticity i would define this in terms of how someone follows through, their integrity or values. I think trust in individuals or types of people is largely hereditary or tribal, the problem on the other side is that people don’t learn, they persist in their own (or passed down) world view and don’t really learn or misuse logic. It’s actually quite frightening to live without these certain beliefs in something at least, it’s just the things they refer back to are outmoded. 
 I think a lot of the reason some of these untruths have not been addressed is that they provide a vehicle for so many of people’s actions. Nothing is pure, like an immaculate design. If humans were honest all the time nothing would happen and people would deeply insecure in a different way than they are now.

I find it nearly impossible to be disingenuous in person I don’t know if this is evolving by so much as I’m having to learn more quickly about how people view me. The things I want to make an impact in seem much harder because I realise how little structure or support there is there, 

it’s more easy for an carer to find a job based on my situation than it is for me to find a job or support. I find that deeply troubling ( and also disingenuous) that a world is now being deigned around us.

Back to the start, don’t believe authenticity is always reciprocated is because it can be easily exploited. I have tested this theory in Christian ways at different points (people walk all over you) and it doesn't really hold up for long periods (on single truth that is), you have to keep adapting to situations and people. So it can be this immediate thing you just have to get over if you are thrown in to a situation with someone you don't like. Very few people can seem genuine or authentic in a prolonged way.

Teflon's not infalable, it can be scratched and dented, but is still worth using, it improves with practice too.

Thanks TheCatWoman 

I get the sense of having different aspects of the ral self and discarding ones that are not "authentic".

I get the sense of being to be able to "stand in the light".

At present I don't feel like I am very good at donning the teflon coat mentally and emotionally :-(

I've become blunter and less afraid of upsetting people, I feel less need to appolgise for disagreeing, not liking, or challenging others. I used to feel I had to appologise for everything, whether it was my "fault" or not, I practically used to appologise for existing, as a consequence of being bullied. This behaviour seemed to attract both bullies and co-dependent relationships.

I've learnt to stand in my own light and I'm still learing.

I think I use masks diffferently to many, I think I've always been aware of them and have leared to use them, rather than let them us me. I conciously put one on depending what situation I'm going into. I have various compentant masks, ones I use when speaking to professionals, like doctors, or solicitors, academics etc. I see masks more as a set of clothes than a mask, in situations where I need to be professional and meet other professionals I put on one of my mental business suits. If I'm doing something more creative, I put on one of my mental floaty hippy suits. I have some confrontation suits too, anything from something stiff and dark coloured to a full suit of armour, I also have a mental teflon cloak so that insults etc can slide off me and I don't have to take them inside myself and incorporate them into another reason I shouldn't exist or be in public and around people. This cloak also has a mirror function that reflects back at someone their own horribleness. I can wear the blue cloak of a healer too, to comfort, guide and sometimes give remedies too people.

All of these sides of me are real and have different knowlege sets and voices. I don't seen these as seperate to me or somehow not the "real" me they're all the real me, they're all authentic. I think many autistic people have sets of clothes they've "borrowed" to fit particular situations because either they really don't have something suitable or because they feel their own won't be right. I think, becoming comfortable with yourself is as much about having a good mental wardrobe clearout as anything else. 

I don't know if this is an anyway helpful, I hope it is?

Lonehare12 said:

the translation tax that extra effort to balance being naturally logical and blunt with trying to read someone’s emotional state and respond in the best way for them. It’s exhausting

I am optimistic the behaviour of prioritising emotional state analysis may be something that has somehow lain dormant and/or has been deeply and profoundly present yet found it hard to be expressed.

I am considering that failing to do so for oneself may be connected to it.  Therefore as one improves with one's own "emotional intelligence" it is easier to express it with others.

At the base I think that I will always be mostly predisposed to intense analysis and logical action.  However accessing the "other side" I believe gets easier with practice.

I found myself allowing myself to spin around and around on the spot this morning after a moment of indecision about where I was going.  My wife asked me why I was doing it.  There was no immediate logic in this except that the "authentic" autistic me wanted to.  Maybe it expressed physically what my mind felt like at the time - maybe it was just good fun - until I sensed I was feeling a bit giddy and had to stop.

There is a metaphor there perhaps as we make pivots in our journey.

Best Wishes

• Hi Lonehare12 Your experience resonates with my own. Pre-diagnosis, with some close people I was 'too sensitive', now it's 'your autism'. With others, some new-to-me people and certainly other NDs, it's easier. I'm a recovering people pleaser so my authenticity is about expressing and honouring my own needs, and setting boundaries. This is a bumpy journey but I sense some recent progress and a growing sense of self emerging.

It is gratifying to be along the same journey with people such as yourselfLonehare12 

Best Wishes

Oh gosh that's an awful experience DormouseAtRest_25 

I completely appreciate why that would lead to a "sense of humour failure".

As I understand this your being "authentic" led to being treated like an infant and your demonstrations of adult insightful capability where ignored and patronised.

At the heart of this I believe there may be an an inability in the individuals you encountered being able in real time to discriminate between what is being done and how it is done.

At essence the complete opposite of a desirable out come in respect of your having experiences that motivated you resulted.

Please don't give up on your goal to understand why your body feels like it does and doing something to help it feel better.

As I write this I see leveller61 's response.

I have a long background in fitness myself if you would like me to pass on some of the tips I have acquired that work for me as a neurodivergent person too I can do so I believe without contravening the terms and conditions of use of the website.

I and others are here to stand beside you.

Best Wishes

Heavens! What a dreadful experience for you, DormouseAtRest_25 A gap in the market for neuroaffirming fitness instructors...

Your post really resonated with me. Since my diagnosis I feel like my authenticity is evolving too.

Masking hid the real me for a long time and now I feel like I’m slowly discovering who I actually am.

I’ve also become more aware of my bluntness in communication. Sometimes I respond quickly and logically and then ruminate afterwards about how my words may have landed.

I also recognise what you describe as the translation tax that extra effort to balance being naturally logical and blunt with trying to read someone’s emotional state and respond in the best way for them. It’s exhausting.

Something else I’ve noticed is that since spending time with gentler, more considerate people in my autistic group and with my therapist, some of my older connections feel much harsher.

Being around people where I can be myself without comments like ‘stop acting thick’ has made me realise how much masking I was doing before.

It’s made me realise that in some of my closest relationships I haven’t always felt able to be my true self especially the gentler, more thoughtful side of me  without being criticised or dismissed.

So for me evolving authenticity feels like becoming more myself, while also becoming more aware of how I communicate and the environments where I feel safe to be that person

This article by Jay Eveson-Egler, BA (they/them) includes some links to masking studies on this subject (2018, 2019 , 2020).

Of particular note; a series of kinks highlighting when authenticity might prove problematic, such as interaction with the criminal justice system / police (cue the use of Autism alert card in people's wallet or purse).

It also exposes the context if particular settings e.g. education (and I would add healthcare or wellbeing providers).

aane.org/.../

I had a recent first-hand experience of this.  In an effort to reduce the stress of engagement with a new wellbeing setting (where I knew we would likely navigate a busy town centre before we reached the park where we would pause to work on some new exercise ideas - I prior-disclosed that as an Autistic adult I would make use of ANC headphones to mitigate the impact of the urban environment.  This disclosure was made during a long, detailed, wide-ranging telephone interview with their co-ordinator.  I made it clear I would still be able to hear the instructor just find - the headphones were just an aud to better manage the heavy traffic soundscape.

I think most of my interview got lost in translation between the co-ordinator and the instructor as when the instructor arrived, they did not say hello or introduce themselves - they just stood still with outstretched arm pointing at me and started walking off down the pavement.

I wanted to check I had the right person so I said "good morning, may I ask you name?".  They didn't turn round but did say their first name and muttered "how are you today?".  I gave a non-scripted, proper, answer (to which their completely missed the mark platitude reply demonstrated they had not listened to what I had said at all).  Their answer would have been, maybe, appropriate to a 4 year old child.

I stopped walking along the pavement.  I am thinking we are wasting each others time if we cannot communicate.

They realised I had stopped walking and turned around to face me.  I repeated my reply and I could see they understood what I had said.  For a few minutes more usual adult conversation continued as we walked along the pavement.

...until they dropped back into what might have been successful for a 6 year old child.  "Ooh!  The pavement gets a bit narrow here".  And what might have worked for a 1970's Green Cross Code TV commercial for the rest of the journey. 

I didn't make a fuss - deciding this might just be their autopilot if they usually walk that route with their own children.

However, it didn't stop there - the inane, patronising  patter continued once we arrived at the park.   "Ooh!  Look, there is a QR code on the sign, we can use my phone to find out more". 

Weirdly, the chatter started to oscillate between extreme kiddy winks and highly specialised anatomy (I did A Level Biology, however they were prattling away with lists of muscle names I have never heard of before).

We discovered an area of outdoor adult gym equipment - more childlike babble ensued - now augmented by things like "this is a static bycicle, you can sit on the seat and put your feet on the peddles to turn the wheel around".

By now, that well known phrase involving ...Sherlock was silently running through my mind!

In an effort to wrestle control of the aircraft, and get something out of the endeavour, I asked: "as this static cycle has no resistance adjustment - what isometric techniques might we try while using this piece of equipment?".

Blank.  Completely ignored - it fell on deaf ears!

Onto the next piece of equipment - a repeat performance of similar nonsense.

My last attempt at a redirect: I described how recently I had been stood up and moving about - for 5 hours - supporting children and young people learning how to do indoor crafts and outdoor wide games.  I explained that, in such situations my leg cramp would kick in badly when I sat down to eat my pack lunch (so I instead, I had walked around eating my lunch).  I asked: "were there some cool-down stretches I could learn to mitigate the leg cramps?".

Stony silence. 

Followed by a return route choice which included the literally steepest, longest, straightest street in the town (so steep that refuse bin lorries and delivery vans don't attempt it in ice, plus, the keen local cyclists rate it as "Red, 0" for both steepness and comfort ...and give it a wide berth).

By the top of the hill; the muscles above my knees were shrieking and then contorted into cramp while we waited for the fire truck to leave its station.  The pace frog-marched up the hill was such that; both the instructor and my nose were absolutely streaming.  (I got the distinct impression the instructor thought this was a certain method to put me off coming again - yeah - that did indeed work).

While walking back towards our start point, the instructor exclaimed weird rubbish like: "Ooh!  Look!  A tiny little garden gate ...it is like a fairy door!".

I had totally heard quite enough and remained silent for the remainder of the journey.

At the end off the uphill march there were no cool-down exercises or stretches.

The instructor just gave me a pack and walked back to their car.

The co-ordinator had described to me the pack would include things like a resistance band and exercise sheets to work muscle groups at home using the band.  Sounded good - as I had explained I suffer with cramp.

Is that what I received? 

Nope. 

The instructor presented me with an exercise book of seated stick people exercises for people ...25 years my senior along with ...a tea towel (printed with yet more stick people) demonstrating ...how to sit on a chair and ...roll my shoulder!

When I got home I contacted the co-ordinator, cancelling future engagement and offering my feedback and a suggestion:

[I attached a photo to them]

..."my photo shows the entire contents of "the pack" (a tea towel? ...was that instead of a resistance band?), plus, the page 12 of "homework" to which I was directed.  

I admit,when I got home and had the chance to look in the pack; I did have a sense of humour failure when I discovered the tea towel.  

May I suggest the following text, plus an appropriate selection of stick-people, for the tea towel's next print run: 

'Using a tea towel for personal training (PT) is a versatile, low-cost method to improve flexibility, strength, and posture at home.  

Key exercises include towel-assisted shoulder stretches, isometric pull-aparts for back strength, and sliding exercises for core, using common household tea towels as effective fitness tools.'

Thank you, but no, I will not be continuing these sessions."

Suffice it to conclude: that my excursion - that particular day - via "authenticity" had been ...an epic fail. 

Back to the drawing board I go.