To what extent do you feel people care when you tell them you have ASD?

 I mean very close friendships. There is noone on my inner circle because you never really know who they are completely.

I nearly got married once ten years ago and failed at the alter. The daughter of a judge. I'm not going throught that again. Even to live with someone seems alien to me now because. I make a big distinction between friends, and partners though.

Me too. I found a lot of it was a kind of outdated notion/societal pressure that you are not allowed to be alone. Its all spaced out now. 

I'm not going to pretend I have any genuine insights into any of this - but when it comes to more personal relationships, it may be the case the other party struggles with the diagnosis of their spouse, as it feels to them that they are now unable to express their own wants and needs - focus shifts to those of their partner who has been diagnosed.

Giving them room to express themselves, and demonstrating that what they want and feel matters, without the conversation being about ASD, may help - and you may find after that, they are more receptive to understanding your perspective and how ASD impacts you / the relationship. Listening costs nothing, and to the person doing the talking, can mean a lot. And can make them more amenable to reciprocating. 

Rather self-conscious about giving this kind of advice out - but it's worth considering if there may be something to it. Obviously, you understand your own circumstances better than anyone on the outside.

Fizzler said:

it's cognatively expensive for them to consider and understand, so they need a reason to put the effort in

Thank you @Fizzler, that perspective has helped me understand my own situation. I guess the person concerned doesn't have a reason to put in the effort — sad but true

I understand this sentiment too

pietro_21 said:

I think these intimate friend relationships are the ones we seek, or are unable to rekindle and remember regretfully because they are much rarer and more limited for us to find.

I think I both understand and share this observation having been married three times and failing in the third! 

I've gone off intimate friendships, I've found I feel much happier without them, they take up less of my valuable headspace and energy

Other autists I have met are very particular about how they engage with the world. I am still conflicted about certain things and sensually they can sometimes feel very jarring and offputting to me (probably because this has been going on a long time and I dread returning to old feelings). I am actually fine when I sit down with problems I can sort them out practically. Getting to a point some days when I feel calm enough to do that can be hard. I can see now that the problem is other people distracting and disrupting me, to some extent it always was. 

The person I have told who isn't in family I informed during my assessment was convinced I wasn't, but then very accepting of the idea. The other was sure I wasn't (my mother) then told me she had always known. Which was quite amusing. So there seem to be differing ways for people to deal with it. 

I've only told my wife and four close friends. Only one seems to have cared - unfortunately not my wife. I'm telling myself that it's because the other four have no idea what it means. The one who cares wasn't in the slightest bit surprised when I told him, saying that he had suspected it for several years. 

All I could do was apologise to all of them for the inappropriate comments and actions I had probably made over the years. 

From one old guy to another, I totally understand. Even after over 30 years together, my wife wasn't aware of me being autistic. After telling her just a few days ago, I'm fairly certain she has no idea what it means. When I tried to explain it to her she became upset because it reminded her of how difficult our relationship had been for her due to the way I had been behaving.

Absolutely. Our expected reaction vs. the actual reaction. It's hard enough to read people as it is. People have been minimising who I 'was' for years I'm not going to let it continue now with who I 'am'. Perhaps that's the same for you? Easy to say though. I respect your view and agree with it in its entirety. 

I'm very similar to you in lots of ways.  I am sure the person it makes the most difference to in most contexts is myself but for general situations (because of some lingering outmoded social connotations) I would find it difficult to walk under the weight of knowing others do too. Those decisions of who I tell are also defining of who I am, I am taking it slowly.

Yes, those closer relationships are the ones which need to be maintained, so you don't have to adapt from anything you were previously to them really. For me imagination, compartmentalising things in new ways is cognitively taxing so I rarely do it for anyone in real life. Work maybe, but I am typically looking at how I can complete the tasks, rather than can I complete this persons expectations by pleasing them. Those gifts are not free as I am the one stretching towards you, never the other way around. People who make the genuine effort can see a totally different side in nds. Its just that the disingenuous ones can't hide.

Same. I have told professionals and those working with autism charities. Really its just my mum, sibling and a friend who know. Although I don't mind other people knowing, even through them. These are the people whose discretion I value the most. 

Talking to doctors has been quite a pleasant well paced experience on the whole for me. Its not really on a close personal level though. I think these intimate friend relationships are the ones we seek, or are unable to rekindle and remember regretfully because they are much rarer and more limited for us to find.

I'm totally "out" with being autistic, some people shy away, other's just say "oh" some give me the "we're all on the spectrum somewhere" line. I see it as a way of filtering out people who can't, won't or don't want to understand, my friends are used to me phoing them in a flap to appologise for something I feel I've said that might upset them, and then I find it hasn't, which actually helps a lot.

Apart from doctors and the like I don't really expect understanding on any deep level, just for them to be aware that I get social stuff wrong every now and again. Most NT's can't understand what it's like to be me and I can't understand what it's like to be them, but then the same can be said about so many things, I don't understand what it feels like to be male, or to be a sibling, I just try not to allow autism to take up to much bandwidth of my time with other people.

I think there are a few considerations here, at least how I see it. For people that aren't close to you, it's hard for them to get their head around - it's cognatively expensive for them to consider and understand, so they need a reason to put the effort in to do that. It's confusing for us (or me at least), and we have direct access to the "source material" - so it's understandable to me that others struggle to understand.

For people that are close, I think the relationship dynamic at the time of confiding this in them comes into it. I've only told two people myself since my diagnosis in Jan this year. One friend put the effort in to understand. Let's just say the other one is a "work in progress"

My mother and sister both know, they supported me to get a diagnosis and continue to do so. A few close friends also know and understand, at least one suspected I might be on the spectrum years ago.

While I'm pretty open online about my autism, I don't shout it from the rooftops. To date, I've not had anyone react negatively to me about it, at least not to my face.

That's true. Sometimes the reaction or level of empathy people have is underwhelming, or subdued by their not knowing how to respond. As a defining factor of me I also see it as somewhat irremovable, and also that I should excercise my rights/enjoy life because of knowing it. I'm not going to force it on or even tell people but I am not going to have my career, wellbeing and income and health affected like it has been for so long by people minimising who I am.

Thanks for sharing this. 'All on the spectrum' is something my mum said to me. I had to walk her through it.