Friends

Yeah I would rely on people to give me feedback , if it’s different for them as In they don’t want me to text early or don’t want to chat as much over messages then I would 100 percent expect them to give me that feedback and guidance in the first place. The hard thing is when people have random expectations that don’t align with your norms but won’t give you the feedback and want to equally chastise you for it …. Not the usually way but something that has deeply cut me in the past 

It’s nice that you’ve met so many Kind and understanding people - i agree, I found most of my friends in educational settings rather than the workplace etc - maybe there is something special about learning together 

I hundred percent agree with you here! 

I made all my best friends this way. My friend from 20 years ago is still my friend now because I noticed she liked dragonflies from across the room and saw this pretty little dragonfly figure while I was out one day and impulse bought it - I gave it to her in class and said I saw this and it really reminded me of you… we are still close friends to this day 

Well said!!

Energy means so much more than words to autistic people. 

I think I learn more from what I sense from a person. 

I have one friend for 20 years and we are friends only because she approached me. It was always like this. I not only don't know how to approach and start a small talk, but also don't think about approaches anyone, I'm just in my inner world.

I filtered a lot of mine out and reduced my circle massively… plus as you know , it’s good if you have a big family isn’t it as you don’t need as many to rely on for social contact 

thats a thing but most of my friends left and i dont have many anymore

Aww your friends will have patience with you. Slow down and think, make deliberate decisions and stay with people who will take the time to sit quietly and comfortably with you without expectations. Spend time with you people you connect with through energy and not expectations or performances 

the problem with me though i stammer quite alot too which make me feel embarrassed then i get flustered and have to give up

Somebody once told me that if I was struggling with a situation or a communication issue to sleep on it for a night or 2 before I made a decision. It was good advice from a nice person 

I find making friends hard but I find that an even harder task is to keep them 

i always find it hard to make friends, because i struggle with communication, i also dont like crowds

I think there are fewer ways of meeting people, when you're an adult, particulalry if you don't have small children as most adults seem to make friends with thier childrens friends parents. 

I met some people from walking my dog and used to walk with other sight hound owners, but now the pack has split up, due to age, death and moving house. But I'm not sure I feel the need to have friends, to me the benefits don't outweigh the down sides enough fo rme to go looking. I've been on loads of courses and things and never met anyone I was more than aquainances with. 

So I'm probably not the best person to advise.

Yeah most of my friends are from my school days / university etc but a lot of them are moving abroad and things now so think I might need to actively start attempting to socialise. It’s good when you have old friends because they will just happily come round for tea and watch a movie or chill quietly with you with no expectations 

FitMisfit said:

its a bit of a catch-22 for me. I want that super deep connection with someone i would call a friend but struggle with the steps that would lead to it maybe

That’s what I struggled with for many years and it’s still difficult. I think being older leads people to be more accepting of themselves and others and my friends know me and don’t demand more than I can give. They know I need lots of time on my own and to give me plenty of notice when arranging something.

I feel fortunate to have encountered the people who became the friends I have now. Friendships didn’t happen for me until I began part-time studies in my 30s, and my other friends came much later. I’m still amazed that some people put up with me as I had been used to not having friends for so long.

As an adult its been a lot harder. I think friendships are more complex as an adult. Ive shied away from it all throughout life because of the feelings of awkwardness. The odd times when I have put myself out there ive felt like im masking and any follow up attempt has me making excuses to get out of it because I dont feel like it was the real me they have met. Masking can be exhausting and isnt something you would want to be doing to maintain any friendships 

its a bit of a catch-22 for me. I want that super deep connection with someone i would call a friend but struggle with the steps that would lead to it maybe

People generally meet friends through shared encounters, some of these encounters might involve mutual interests.

One way to find friends is to identify things that interest you and join a club or class to engage in a hobby or interest. Initially, many people find it easier to talk to other people about their interests as it takes the focus away from the person. Once you get to know a potential friend, you can suggest something to do related to your shared interests, e.g., a film, event, concert etc. You could introduce the idea of something by telling them about it and say you are considering going and wondering what it will be like/have they heard about it etc. 

Regarding texting, meeting up etc, I can only talk about my own experience of making friends as everyone is different and even within my own friendship group I communicate in different ways with each person. I usually meet up with my friends individually, each one once a week or longer apart. I first encountered most of these people when we were walking our dogs. The dogs got together first and after many encounters we became friends and meet for coffee/lunch etc. I have friends I met through uni years ago and we meet up to visit an exhibition, lecture or weekend away. Sometimes I suggest we do something and sometimes a friend would suggest something. 

Dear InterTrails,

Whilst you are waiting to hear from some of the members on their experiences of making friends, it could be worth taking a look at the NAS advice and guidance on Making friends 

I hope this is helpful and our members can give you some advice soon,

Olivia Mod