Friends

SunshineDrive,

It's easy to make online friends because you don't have to work hard at finding things in common through small talk. If you join a group that shares your interests, you can just exchange posts without worrying about non-verbal communication. Basically, there's no tension.

When you’re in the company of a very attractive woman, it can be tough not to feel a little overwhelmed, get tongue-tied, and start looking for any hint of rejection. It becomes a bit of a spiral. Even if you tell yourself you just want to be friendly, the sexual tension is hard to ignore, and it naturally amplifies everything.

The nearest I got to having a girlfriend was when I belonged to a chat group and became friendly with a woman who lived in East Africa, having emigrated there from an abusive partner in Belgium. She was a lovely person, but I’m afraid that after we agreed to meet in London, I simply didn’t fancy her. It was a pity, as she was determined to form a loving relationship with me, and I’m embarrassed to admit she must have felt really let down and went back to Africa. That is the danger of online relationships - you can never really see who it is you are talking to.

Making friends, whether with guys or girls, feels almost impossible for me since I hardly ever socialize. It’s like a “catch-22” - I don’t have anyone to hang out with, so I never end up meeting anyone new to hang out with. I've never been much for socializing and often enjoy my own company, but taken too far, it can leave you feeling lonely and unloved, wishing you had formed some kind of personal relationship, especially after close family members have passed on.

Even going to the cinema annoys me these days because of people eating crisps, talking, and all the other various noises you hear now. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t remember having this problem when I was younger, as I think people were better behaved back then. Also, as one ages one tends to want to a quiet life and not rush about so much. 

When my mom passed away several years ago, I felt completely adrift, as she had been my emotional anchor and might even have been the reason I never formed a relationship with another woman. I’m not entirely sure.

To be perfectly honest, I can’t really say I know I’m on the spectrum, as I’ve never been tested, but I definitely feel a strong connection with people who post here (or maybe that’s just wishful thinking). It might be that I’m looking for some kind of label to explain the way I am, and for all I know my problems could lie elsewhere. I don’t know - I’m no psychologist.

I definitely had a terrible time with noise when I worked (retired now) for a few years when our environment changed, and we were expected to work, at least partly, in a noisy and scruffy area. This triggered panic attacks for me and, from that day on, made going into work a nightmare, as I was never sure whether I’d be required to stay in that place. To this day, it has left me with noise sensitivity, especially when staying in a hospital, to the point that I have to take noise-canceling headphones with me. I still reckon I have PTSD from that experience.

Anyway, sorry if I’m boring you, SunshineDrive, but I just want you to know you’re not alone. My advice, as a 76-year-old, is not to waste years without at least trying to make friends, because one day you might find yourself wondering where all that time went!

BTW, this is definitely not AI-generated; it's all me!

I read that you can now access autism friendly screenings in cinemas - and I quite liked that idea. I had presumed it would be that talking and food (and all its associated smells and masticating noises) and drinks are all banned and maybe the volume of the film turned down slightly. However when I looked into it was that the lights are turned up (i really don’t understand why) and everyone can make as much noise as they like and move about. Eating and drinking is still allowed. They do get rid of the trailers (which I would appreciate) and turn the film down (only of use to me if people aren’t talking). 

I guess this may suit some autistic people who have vocal stims and need lots of very broad movement for regulation but I was left feeling I would be better off in the regular screenings which are at least dark. 

Yes, that makes sense and has been suggested to me before. Watching a movie when there aren’t many people around would be better, but even then, it would only take one or two incidents of noise to set me off, probably because I’d be anticipating it. And then I think to myself that one of the pleasures of going to see a movie, play, or whatever is the atmosphere created by being among a crowd of people enjoying the same show, and I can remember one or two occasions in the distant past when it truly enhanced the experience. Over the years, something happened that turned me off, and I suspect it was the growing bad behaviour of people who just don’t consider others - a general lack of social etiquette, I suppose. Then again, is it really that, or have I changed and become less tolerant and grumpier over the years? Maybe not having friends and relationships I just turned into a grumpy old man before my time! Could be.

I feel like I’ve reached a point in life where I’ve mostly given up and accepted that things will stay this way until the end, which at 76 probably isn’t too far off. Looking back, it’s the feeling of isolation that stands out, as if there’s always been a barrier I could never quite break through. Maybe that's just an excuse to mask a lazy pattern of behaviour I established. I don’t get it - many people seem to form relationships, whether close or casual, and I haven’t, like I have some strange disability. I know relationship go wrong but what was it that Shakespeare said? "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" He was a clever man. I think the only person I really loved was my mom, and that may be part of the reason I never moved on, left home, or fully grew up. I was tied too much to the apron strings, and now that she’s gone, my support system is gone too.

lostmyway said:

Memories can be both beautiful and painful It's a question of balance once again, I think.

Agreed, and sometimes i think the beauty isn’t possible without the pain. Just one inherent paradox of being alive. 

I may have remembered wrong but think I read somewhere else that you are not officially diagnosed? Is a diagnosis something you would think about pursuing … your last paragraph makes it sound like a diagnosis might make it easier to really seek out what’s beneficial in life? Of course it’s a very personal choice though and I know people can find validation and comfort just as much in a self identification process….

That's true. We often get steered into what’s seen as ‘normal’ relationships before we even figure out what we actually want. To some extent, this reflects the interests of those in power, as it helps maintain the status quo. Much of business relies on the traditional family setup, and any major societal shifts could potentially threaten and destabilize the financial foundations of such enterprises. Think of the millions made from having kids, going on holiday, buying school supplies, baby and toddler items, car insurance, house insurance - medical insurance - the list goes on and on.  And yes, society is gradually changing, so what might be a good business today could be driven by different trends in the future - who knows?

Look at the boom in personal computers and smartphones. Nowadays, kids expect their parents to supply these items at a young age, making it just another thing to add to the list. Then there's fashion - but I won’t go on, since I’ve made my point.

I hope to find happiness, but so far I haven’t, and I’m not feeling optimistic, sorry to say. Still, thank you anyway.
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That's true. We often get steered into what’s seen as ‘normal’ relationships before we even figure out what we actually want. To some extent, this reflects the interests of those in power, as it helps maintain the status quo. Much of business relies on the traditional family setup, and any major societal shifts could potentially threaten and destabilize the financial foundations of such enterprises. Think of the millions made from having kids, going on holiday, buying school supplies, baby and toddler items, car insurance, house insurance - medical insurance - the list goes on and on.  And yes, society is gradually changing, so what might be a good business today could be driven by different trends in the future - who knows?

Look at the boom in personal computers and smartphones. Nowadays, kids expect their parents to supply these items at a young age, making it just another thing to add to the list. Then there's fashion - but I won’t go on, since I’ve made my point.

I hope to find happiness, but so far I haven’t, and I’m not feeling optimistic, sorry to say. Still, thank you anyway.
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