Friends

SunshineDrive,

It's easy to make online friends because you don't have to work hard at finding things in common through small talk. If you join a group that shares your interests, you can just exchange posts without worrying about non-verbal communication. Basically, there's no tension.

When you’re in the company of a very attractive woman, it can be tough not to feel a little overwhelmed, get tongue-tied, and start looking for any hint of rejection. It becomes a bit of a spiral. Even if you tell yourself you just want to be friendly, the sexual tension is hard to ignore, and it naturally amplifies everything.

The nearest I got to having a girlfriend was when I belonged to a chat group and became friendly with a woman who lived in East Africa, having emigrated there from an abusive partner in Belgium. She was a lovely person, but I’m afraid that after we agreed to meet in London, I simply didn’t fancy her. It was a pity, as she was determined to form a loving relationship with me, and I’m embarrassed to admit she must have felt really let down and went back to Africa. That is the danger of online relationships - you can never really see who it is you are talking to.

Making friends, whether with guys or girls, feels almost impossible for me since I hardly ever socialize. It’s like a “catch-22” - I don’t have anyone to hang out with, so I never end up meeting anyone new to hang out with. I've never been much for socializing and often enjoy my own company, but taken too far, it can leave you feeling lonely and unloved, wishing you had formed some kind of personal relationship, especially after close family members have passed on.

Even going to the cinema annoys me these days because of people eating crisps, talking, and all the other various noises you hear now. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t remember having this problem when I was younger, as I think people were better behaved back then. Also, as one ages one tends to want to a quiet life and not rush about so much. 

When my mom passed away several years ago, I felt completely adrift, as she had been my emotional anchor and might even have been the reason I never formed a relationship with another woman. I’m not entirely sure.

To be perfectly honest, I can’t really say I know I’m on the spectrum, as I’ve never been tested, but I definitely feel a strong connection with people who post here (or maybe that’s just wishful thinking). It might be that I’m looking for some kind of label to explain the way I am, and for all I know my problems could lie elsewhere. I don’t know - I’m no psychologist.

I definitely had a terrible time with noise when I worked (retired now) for a few years when our environment changed, and we were expected to work, at least partly, in a noisy and scruffy area. This triggered panic attacks for me and, from that day on, made going into work a nightmare, as I was never sure whether I’d be required to stay in that place. To this day, it has left me with noise sensitivity, especially when staying in a hospital, to the point that I have to take noise-canceling headphones with me. I still reckon I have PTSD from that experience.

Anyway, sorry if I’m boring you, SunshineDrive, but I just want you to know you’re not alone. My advice, as a 76-year-old, is not to waste years without at least trying to make friends, because one day you might find yourself wondering where all that time went!

BTW, this is definitely not AI-generated; it's all me!

I read that you can now access autism friendly screenings in cinemas - and I quite liked that idea. I had presumed it would be that talking and food (and all its associated smells and masticating noises) and drinks are all banned and maybe the volume of the film turned down slightly. However when I looked into it was that the lights are turned up (i really don’t understand why) and everyone can make as much noise as they like and move about. Eating and drinking is still allowed. They do get rid of the trailers (which I would appreciate) and turn the film down (only of use to me if people aren’t talking). 

I guess this may suit some autistic people who have vocal stims and need lots of very broad movement for regulation but I was left feeling I would be better off in the regular screenings which are at least dark. 

It would be good if they did two types of screening, one for people who need to move around and make noise, and one quieter with no food noises.  I wonder if that exists anywhere?

Okay, I wouldn’t say I had the worst parents in the world. My dad had a low-paid job, and my mom was the 'traditional housewife', which was the generally accepted role for her generation.

Sure, probably no worse and maybe even a lot better than what some kids had, but looking back it felt like a pretty lopsided experience. My mom was fine, but there were plenty of arguments with my dad, who came across as rather cold and distant and would often make disparaging remarks about me. These were framed as ‘jokes,’ but some of the comments stung and I think they chipped away at my confidence and probably played a part in my general lack of self-esteem, even now.

He never went out much and I can recall that when we had visitors he tended to withdraw to leave my mom to do the socializing. To his credit, he did nightwork for many years to benefit from the extra money since he had two kids (me and my sister) to take care of so it can't have been very easy for him. But I did get the impression that he resented me, and I never felt I could be intimate with him like I could with my mom.

When it came to education - forget it. There was no interest in it at home, and I never took any exams, just wanted to leave school as soon as possible and start earning. I left at 15, and in the 1960s there were plenty of jobs around, so it wasn’t hard to find something. My parents appreciated the extra income since making ends meet wasn’t easy, like for many other families - so I’m not complaining. 

When I was a kid, making friends was never a problem - just join in with football, tennis, or whatever the local kids were playing. But I don’t think I ever really had a “peer group,” which I’ve read is a typical part of growing up once you hit puberty and start spending time with other teenagers your age. Supposedly, it’s a way to practice social skills, test boundaries, and gain life experience you can draw on later for things like jobs or long-term relationships, even marriage. At least, that’s the theory. Again, I guess I was pretty attached to my mom, which made it harder for me to start becoming more independent. I’m not blaming her; it’s just how things turned out.

My teenage years were mostly spent going to work, coming home, and watching TV, with the occasional holiday in between. I always went on holiday with my mom and dad, never with anyone my own age. The only 'mate' I had in my later teens and early twenties was a bloke nobody else wanted to know. I think he came around because he was short on friends, but it turned out he used me for betting money, which I never got back, and he was actually well known locally as a bit of a "tealeaf."

I remember one occasion when his parents were on holiday at the Isle of Wight, he suddenly wanted to visit them just for something to do. He persuaded me - much to my regret - to accompany him. We went, but when it was time to head back to London, he decided to stay for the rest of the holiday with them, leaving me in the lurch. I was very inexperienced at traveling and had to find my own way back to London.

This was bad enough, but because I had to start out late, when I reached one of the main train terminals in London it was very late and the trains had stopped running. This was in the 1960s, remember. I had to hang around until the trains started up again, and during that time this bloke appeared out of nowhere and started chatting to me. I thought at the time he seemed nice and friendly, so we started talking. When I explained my situation, he seemed to take pity on me and offered to take me back to his flat until the trains started again. I went along with this, and when we got back to his flat, we chatted some more before he showed me where I could put my head down for a few hours. I was lying there thinking what a nice chap he was when suddenly he hopped into bed with me! I was shocked and asked what the hell he was doing. He said something about it being better than going back to a drafty platform, but I couldn’t wait to get out of there!

The reason I mention all this is to show what kind of ‘mate’ I had, someone who let me travel back alone in a strange city as a naive kid, with no real-life experience and at risk from sexual predators.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my so-called friend was at my house one day, and after he left, I noticed money was missing. Knowing about his gambling addiction, I immediately suspected him, and although I can’t prove it, I felt pretty sure he took it. After that, I couldn’t continue being his friend and told my mom that if he called again, she should tell him never to call for me.

This is all well and good, but the problem was that although he was dodgy, he did at least take me out. After I packed him up, I never made another friend with whom I could go out. So that’s my life.

I get the ruminating, it's easy to keep things spinning in your head, and they can especially tumble together, so as soon as you start you can spiral badly. It's one thing that has actually gotten better since I accepted my diagnosis, I haven't ruminated as badly as I say to myself, well I was always going to be bad at that so I think I've let go of worrying about some of those past sadnesses. It's not fixed everything, but I'm kinder to myself about my failings.

I was lucky I met my husband at my peak of confidence, and I think I can credit a lot of success to having that stability and support. But try not to overthink, honestly, if you had a great relationship with your parents most of your life, I think it would have carried you through -some people don't even have that. I knew someone who got married, had children but then she lost her husband very young in a traffic road collision. So even those people that do find people to love, don't always get to keep them, or worse they turn out to be abusive. Life can be hard, but we keep moving forward, and if you can have a routine and accept happiness in it, that's sometimes all you need.

One of my biggest problems is my tendency to take offense too easily and overthink remarks that weren’t really intended to be as hurtful as I took them to be. I’d dwell on things said for days, and it often spoiled relationships at work when someone said something that deeply offended me. They probably didn’t really mean it, and I suppose it was just the rough and tumble of everyday life.

I get what you say about becoming a familiar face when seeing the same people again and again and I'm not sure why I couldn't do this. Partly, it might have been because, as I mentioned earlier, someone would say something I took the wrong way, which put me off seeing them again. Overthinking again. I’ve tried sitting in the local library a couple of times, but honestly, I found it pretty boring. Still, like you say, you have to keep at it to get to know people. I think I’m too tied to my home setup, where I have all the comforts and my own bedroom that doubles as a study, letting me be on the PC as long as I want without annoying distractions.

As I get older, I look back on my life and think about the lost opportunities I had to form relationships, and one in particular stands out. My first job was in a small office at London Airport, just the boss, me, and a typist. She liked me, but I didn’t pursue it because I was immature and nervous. I’ve always thought that maybe something could have happened if I’d been a bit more proactive. Or maybe not - I'll never know. We were just a couple of teenagers, and it probably wouldn’t have gone anywhere, but you dwell on these things, thinking it was a rare chance to move forward. Especially since I’ve never had many situations where I could have formed a real relationship with someone.

This might come across as whining, and maybe it is, but only because I feel a bit short-changed by life and think things could have gone better for me.

One of my biggest problems is my tendency to take offense too easily and overthink remarks that weren’t really intended to be as hurtful as I took them to be. I’d dwell on things said for days, and it often spoiled relationships at work when someone said something that deeply offended me. They probably didn’t really mean it, and I suppose it was just the rough and tumble of everyday life.

I get what you say about becoming a familiar face when seeing the same people again and again and I'm not sure why I couldn't do this. Partly, it might have been because, as I mentioned earlier, someone would say something I took the wrong way, which put me off seeing them again. Overthinking again. I’ve tried sitting in the local library a couple of times, but honestly, I found it pretty boring. Still, like you say, you have to keep at it to get to know people. I think I’m too tied to my home setup, where I have all the comforts and my own bedroom that doubles as a study, letting me be on the PC as long as I want without annoying distractions.

As I get older, I look back on my life and think about the lost opportunities I had to form relationships, and one in particular stands out. My first job was in a small office at London Airport, just the boss, me, and a typist. She liked me, but I didn’t pursue it because I was immature and nervous. I’ve always thought that maybe something could have happened if I’d been a bit more proactive. Or maybe not - I'll never know. We were just a couple of teenagers, and it probably wouldn’t have gone anywhere, but you dwell on these things, thinking it was a rare chance to move forward. Especially since I’ve never had many situations where I could have formed a real relationship with someone.

This might come across as whining, and maybe it is, but only because I feel a bit short-changed by life and think things could have gone better for me.

Okay, I wouldn’t say I had the worst parents in the world. My dad had a low-paid job, and my mom was the 'traditional housewife', which was the generally accepted role for her generation.

Sure, probably no worse and maybe even a lot better than what some kids had, but looking back it felt like a pretty lopsided experience. My mom was fine, but there were plenty of arguments with my dad, who came across as rather cold and distant and would often make disparaging remarks about me. These were framed as ‘jokes,’ but some of the comments stung and I think they chipped away at my confidence and probably played a part in my general lack of self-esteem, even now.

He never went out much and I can recall that when we had visitors he tended to withdraw to leave my mom to do the socializing. To his credit, he did nightwork for many years to benefit from the extra money since he had two kids (me and my sister) to take care of so it can't have been very easy for him. But I did get the impression that he resented me, and I never felt I could be intimate with him like I could with my mom.

When it came to education - forget it. There was no interest in it at home, and I never took any exams, just wanted to leave school as soon as possible and start earning. I left at 15, and in the 1960s there were plenty of jobs around, so it wasn’t hard to find something. My parents appreciated the extra income since making ends meet wasn’t easy, like for many other families - so I’m not complaining. 

When I was a kid, making friends was never a problem - just join in with football, tennis, or whatever the local kids were playing. But I don’t think I ever really had a “peer group,” which I’ve read is a typical part of growing up once you hit puberty and start spending time with other teenagers your age. Supposedly, it’s a way to practice social skills, test boundaries, and gain life experience you can draw on later for things like jobs or long-term relationships, even marriage. At least, that’s the theory. Again, I guess I was pretty attached to my mom, which made it harder for me to start becoming more independent. I’m not blaming her; it’s just how things turned out.

My teenage years were mostly spent going to work, coming home, and watching TV, with the occasional holiday in between. I always went on holiday with my mom and dad, never with anyone my own age. The only 'mate' I had in my later teens and early twenties was a bloke nobody else wanted to know. I think he came around because he was short on friends, but it turned out he used me for betting money, which I never got back, and he was actually well known locally as a bit of a "tealeaf."

I remember one occasion when his parents were on holiday at the Isle of Wight, he suddenly wanted to visit them just for something to do. He persuaded me - much to my regret - to accompany him. We went, but when it was time to head back to London, he decided to stay for the rest of the holiday with them, leaving me in the lurch. I was very inexperienced at traveling and had to find my own way back to London.

This was bad enough, but because I had to start out late, when I reached one of the main train terminals in London it was very late and the trains had stopped running. This was in the 1960s, remember. I had to hang around until the trains started up again, and during that time this bloke appeared out of nowhere and started chatting to me. I thought at the time he seemed nice and friendly, so we started talking. When I explained my situation, he seemed to take pity on me and offered to take me back to his flat until the trains started again. I went along with this, and when we got back to his flat, we chatted some more before he showed me where I could put my head down for a few hours. I was lying there thinking what a nice chap he was when suddenly he hopped into bed with me! I was shocked and asked what the hell he was doing. He said something about it being better than going back to a drafty platform, but I couldn’t wait to get out of there!

The reason I mention all this is to show what kind of ‘mate’ I had, someone who let me travel back alone in a strange city as a naive kid, with no real-life experience and at risk from sexual predators.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my so-called friend was at my house one day, and after he left, I noticed money was missing. Knowing about his gambling addiction, I immediately suspected him, and although I can’t prove it, I felt pretty sure he took it. After that, I couldn’t continue being his friend and told my mom that if he called again, she should tell him never to call for me.

This is all well and good, but the problem was that although he was dodgy, he did at least take me out. After I packed him up, I never made another friend with whom I could go out. So that’s my life.

I get the ruminating, it's easy to keep things spinning in your head, and they can especially tumble together, so as soon as you start you can spiral badly. It's one thing that has actually gotten better since I accepted my diagnosis, I haven't ruminated as badly as I say to myself, well I was always going to be bad at that so I think I've let go of worrying about some of those past sadnesses. It's not fixed everything, but I'm kinder to myself about my failings.

I was lucky I met my husband at my peak of confidence, and I think I can credit a lot of success to having that stability and support. But try not to overthink, honestly, if you had a great relationship with your parents most of your life, I think it would have carried you through -some people don't even have that. I knew someone who got married, had children but then she lost her husband very young in a traffic road collision. So even those people that do find people to love, don't always get to keep them, or worse they turn out to be abusive. Life can be hard, but we keep moving forward, and if you can have a routine and accept happiness in it, that's sometimes all you need.