Friends

SunshineDrive,

It's easy to make online friends because you don't have to work hard at finding things in common through small talk. If you join a group that shares your interests, you can just exchange posts without worrying about non-verbal communication. Basically, there's no tension.

When you’re in the company of a very attractive woman, it can be tough not to feel a little overwhelmed, get tongue-tied, and start looking for any hint of rejection. It becomes a bit of a spiral. Even if you tell yourself you just want to be friendly, the sexual tension is hard to ignore, and it naturally amplifies everything.

The nearest I got to having a girlfriend was when I belonged to a chat group and became friendly with a woman who lived in East Africa, having emigrated there from an abusive partner in Belgium. She was a lovely person, but I’m afraid that after we agreed to meet in London, I simply didn’t fancy her. It was a pity, as she was determined to form a loving relationship with me, and I’m embarrassed to admit she must have felt really let down and went back to Africa. That is the danger of online relationships - you can never really see who it is you are talking to.

Making friends, whether with guys or girls, feels almost impossible for me since I hardly ever socialize. It’s like a “catch-22” - I don’t have anyone to hang out with, so I never end up meeting anyone new to hang out with. I've never been much for socializing and often enjoy my own company, but taken too far, it can leave you feeling lonely and unloved, wishing you had formed some kind of personal relationship, especially after close family members have passed on.

Even going to the cinema annoys me these days because of people eating crisps, talking, and all the other various noises you hear now. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t remember having this problem when I was younger, as I think people were better behaved back then. Also, as one ages one tends to want to a quiet life and not rush about so much. 

When my mom passed away several years ago, I felt completely adrift, as she had been my emotional anchor and might even have been the reason I never formed a relationship with another woman. I’m not entirely sure.

To be perfectly honest, I can’t really say I know I’m on the spectrum, as I’ve never been tested, but I definitely feel a strong connection with people who post here (or maybe that’s just wishful thinking). It might be that I’m looking for some kind of label to explain the way I am, and for all I know my problems could lie elsewhere. I don’t know - I’m no psychologist.

I definitely had a terrible time with noise when I worked (retired now) for a few years when our environment changed, and we were expected to work, at least partly, in a noisy and scruffy area. This triggered panic attacks for me and, from that day on, made going into work a nightmare, as I was never sure whether I’d be required to stay in that place. To this day, it has left me with noise sensitivity, especially when staying in a hospital, to the point that I have to take noise-canceling headphones with me. I still reckon I have PTSD from that experience.

Anyway, sorry if I’m boring you, SunshineDrive, but I just want you to know you’re not alone. My advice, as a 76-year-old, is not to waste years without at least trying to make friends, because one day you might find yourself wondering where all that time went!

BTW, this is definitely not AI-generated; it's all me!

I read that you can now access autism friendly screenings in cinemas - and I quite liked that idea. I had presumed it would be that talking and food (and all its associated smells and masticating noises) and drinks are all banned and maybe the volume of the film turned down slightly. However when I looked into it was that the lights are turned up (i really don’t understand why) and everyone can make as much noise as they like and move about. Eating and drinking is still allowed. They do get rid of the trailers (which I would appreciate) and turn the film down (only of use to me if people aren’t talking). 

I guess this may suit some autistic people who have vocal stims and need lots of very broad movement for regulation but I was left feeling I would be better off in the regular screenings which are at least dark. 

Yes, that makes sense and has been suggested to me before. Watching a movie when there aren’t many people around would be better, but even then, it would only take one or two incidents of noise to set me off, probably because I’d be anticipating it. And then I think to myself that one of the pleasures of going to see a movie, play, or whatever is the atmosphere created by being among a crowd of people enjoying the same show, and I can remember one or two occasions in the distant past when it truly enhanced the experience. Over the years, something happened that turned me off, and I suspect it was the growing bad behaviour of people who just don’t consider others - a general lack of social etiquette, I suppose. Then again, is it really that, or have I changed and become less tolerant and grumpier over the years? Maybe not having friends and relationships I just turned into a grumpy old man before my time! Could be.

I feel like I’ve reached a point in life where I’ve mostly given up and accepted that things will stay this way until the end, which at 76 probably isn’t too far off. Looking back, it’s the feeling of isolation that stands out, as if there’s always been a barrier I could never quite break through. Maybe that's just an excuse to mask a lazy pattern of behaviour I established. I don’t get it - many people seem to form relationships, whether close or casual, and I haven’t, like I have some strange disability. I know relationship go wrong but what was it that Shakespeare said? "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" He was a clever man. I think the only person I really loved was my mom, and that may be part of the reason I never moved on, left home, or fully grew up. I was tied too much to the apron strings, and now that she’s gone, my support system is gone too.

lostmyway said:

Memories can be both beautiful and painful It's a question of balance once again, I think.

Agreed, and sometimes i think the beauty isn’t possible without the pain. Just one inherent paradox of being alive. 

I may have remembered wrong but think I read somewhere else that you are not officially diagnosed? Is a diagnosis something you would think about pursuing … your last paragraph makes it sound like a diagnosis might make it easier to really seek out what’s beneficial in life? Of course it’s a very personal choice though and I know people can find validation and comfort just as much in a self identification process….

That's true. We often get steered into what’s seen as ‘normal’ relationships before we even figure out what we actually want. To some extent, this reflects the interests of those in power, as it helps maintain the status quo. Much of business relies on the traditional family setup, and any major societal shifts could potentially threaten and destabilize the financial foundations of such enterprises. Think of the millions made from having kids, going on holiday, buying school supplies, baby and toddler items, car insurance, house insurance - medical insurance - the list goes on and on.  And yes, society is gradually changing, so what might be a good business today could be driven by different trends in the future - who knows?

Look at the boom in personal computers and smartphones. Nowadays, kids expect their parents to supply these items at a young age, making it just another thing to add to the list. Then there's fashion - but I won’t go on, since I’ve made my point.

I hope to find happiness, but so far I haven’t, and I’m not feeling optimistic, sorry to say. Still, thank you anyway.
.

I think there are certain pressures that make people think they have to have a typical relationship, where as companionship is actually what some people want more, and then there are those that don't need anyone at all, and just saying hi to the postman is enough. 

I'm having to support my theories with fiction, but I'm sure there are stories with say 2 sisters that have never married just living together all their lives, or like you parents and children, or sometimes it's siblings where one has a traditional family and then an aunt or uncle live with them. 

There is a growing trend in Japan in the young to be asexual -I think friendship means more to them then physical relationships. 

When you have a loss in whatever you do have, it can really be destabilising. It can take quite a long while to work out moving on from or and what that might even look like. 

I hope you can be happy in whatever that is for you.

Well, yes, I guess the development of merchandising, not only in cinemas but throughout society in general, has changed the environment in theatres from what it was decades ago. And as younger generations are born into it, it becomes accepted as "normal." As you said, a lot of this originated in the US and gets adopted over here.

Of course, what makes it worse, particularly for people with sensory issues, is the enhanced 'experience' of going to the cinema, like the extremely loud ultra surround sound (or whatever it's called), which is meant to add to the general excitement. I get this, because people, especially the young, look for exciting outlets – I did when I was a teenager. It does mean, of course those who have autistic traits need to be careful what they experience.

To be honest, when my mom was alive, I can’t say I yearned for a girlfriend. Naturally, I had the usual sexual impulses, but I didn’t really want a romantic relationship. It's only now that she's gone that I feel a sense of isolation I've never experienced before, especially when I'm alone in the house, which is often since my brother is either at work or at his girlfriend's place.

I mean, to be honest, I don't really know whether I could actually sustain a close relationship with a woman as I've never had one before. Maybe I could, especially now that I’m on my own, but I wonder. It might just be a case of wanting something I don’t have, only to find once I get it that it’s not as wonderful as I imagined. They say you should be careful what you wish for, and there’s probably a lot of truth in that.

I guess Shakespeare also meant that even when you suffer a loss, you still have the memory of something that was once wonderful. Memories can be both beautiful and painful It's a question of balance once again, I think.

Yes, you're right about knowing yourself, because unless you do, you'll never be in a position to tailor your life to reflect what is most beneficial to you. And this, of course, is why it's so important to get diagnosed if you truly believe you are on the Spectrum.

I think you’re definately right about the etiquette change over time. I’m not old enough to have experienced smoking in cinemas but old enough to remember when people didn’t talk and they certainly didn’t eat nachos with cheese dip on the side. Last time i went to the cinema the person next to me ate a chicken burger and chips with a knife and fork off of a china plate… the staff served it to them half way through the film. I suppose I probably should have checked to see what the standard procedure was for the cinema before going. Drinks service ran throughout the film so the staff were constantly walking up and down serving drinks. Seems to me a different cinema culture has swept in (maybe from the US) and it’s starting to happen in theatres too - that really gets my goat! I really don’t like it when people laugh throughout films or plays that aren’t funny…. I do still go once in a while, I think to remind myself of my own inability to tolerate the environment. So it’s not just you! If you’re grumpy I am too. Although we could also just be experiencing different sensory needs and attentional priorities which a person without those different needs might find it hard to understand…. That’s what I might say to myself on a kind day. 

The love between a parent and child is incredibly precious. She is gone physically but the experience of the bond between you remains in you; as does the sense of being loved by your mother and you loving her. 

It’s only my view but I wonder if society conditions us to place too much emphasis on having a significant intimate relationship and a certain amount of “friends” and then maybe some children… and all these expectations make it so hard to tell if our loneliness or feelings of not having flourished is our own or if it is projected onto us via subtle stigma about being perceived as “outside of the norm”. Some people who have the relationship and the children etc. probably still wonder if they only did it because they got swept up in social constructs about how we should live. And I know that lots of people who are married with kids still feel intensely lonely. 

In my personal experience sometimes a bereavement, whilst devastating, is also an opportunity to grasp what life we have left a bit more firmly. That might not be grasping relationships with other humans though, it might be more about grasping more time spent doing what you really want to do… it’s up to you.

I suppose at 76 you could have not many years left as you say ….or actually you could have quite a lot of years left …. Choices for what to do next are limited but not completely outside of your control. I bet there are lots of people who would love to sit and moan with you about how people behave at the cinema these days for example! That sounds very cathartic.

I suppose the risk of trying to connect with others is distress or rejection of further loss and grief…. So that barrier you describe that it’s hard to get through could be a very sensible and understandable protection instigated by a self compassionate part of you that wants you to be protected from pain. One option is to decide that you can survive that potential outcome (pain), it will be horrible but you can survive it. That’s what Shakespeare seems to be implying but I guess it is easier said than done. And then the barrier is more of a practical one of where and how to find people you actually want to interact with …. Probably not at the popcorn counter at the cinema ️… but somewhere…. 

However it’s likely that if you are not of a predominant neurotype that barrier was also created by external forces, a less friendly world full of stigma towards people who are different. In which case I suppose all we can do is look for friendly places that we are able to feel accepted and at least a little understood in. And try to change world… if we have any energy at all left after trying to survive in it…. 

I think you’re definately right about the etiquette change over time. I’m not old enough to have experienced smoking in cinemas but old enough to remember when people didn’t talk and they certainly didn’t eat nachos with cheese dip on the side. Last time i went to the cinema the person next to me ate a chicken burger and chips with a knife and fork off of a china plate… the staff served it to them half way through the film. I suppose I probably should have checked to see what the standard procedure was for the cinema before going. Drinks service ran throughout the film so the staff were constantly walking up and down serving drinks. Seems to me a different cinema culture has swept in (maybe from the US) and it’s starting to happen in theatres too - that really gets my goat! I really don’t like it when people laugh throughout films or plays that aren’t funny…. I do still go once in a while, I think to remind myself of my own inability to tolerate the environment. So it’s not just you! If you’re grumpy I am too. Although we could also just be experiencing different sensory needs and attentional priorities which a person without those different needs might find it hard to understand…. That’s what I might say to myself on a kind day. 

The love between a parent and child is incredibly precious. She is gone physically but the experience of the bond between you remains in you; as does the sense of being loved by your mother and you loving her. 

It’s only my view but I wonder if society conditions us to place too much emphasis on having a significant intimate relationship and a certain amount of “friends” and then maybe some children… and all these expectations make it so hard to tell if our loneliness or feelings of not having flourished is our own or if it is projected onto us via subtle stigma about being perceived as “outside of the norm”. Some people who have the relationship and the children etc. probably still wonder if they only did it because they got swept up in social constructs about how we should live. And I know that lots of people who are married with kids still feel intensely lonely. 

In my personal experience sometimes a bereavement, whilst devastating, is also an opportunity to grasp what life we have left a bit more firmly. That might not be grasping relationships with other humans though, it might be more about grasping more time spent doing what you really want to do… it’s up to you.

I suppose at 76 you could have not many years left as you say ….or actually you could have quite a lot of years left …. Choices for what to do next are limited but not completely outside of your control. I bet there are lots of people who would love to sit and moan with you about how people behave at the cinema these days for example! That sounds very cathartic.

I suppose the risk of trying to connect with others is distress or rejection of further loss and grief…. So that barrier you describe that it’s hard to get through could be a very sensible and understandable protection instigated by a self compassionate part of you that wants you to be protected from pain. One option is to decide that you can survive that potential outcome (pain), it will be horrible but you can survive it. That’s what Shakespeare seems to be implying but I guess it is easier said than done. And then the barrier is more of a practical one of where and how to find people you actually want to interact with …. Probably not at the popcorn counter at the cinema ️… but somewhere…. 

However it’s likely that if you are not of a predominant neurotype that barrier was also created by external forces, a less friendly world full of stigma towards people who are different. In which case I suppose all we can do is look for friendly places that we are able to feel accepted and at least a little understood in. And try to change world… if we have any energy at all left after trying to survive in it…. 

lostmyway said:

Memories can be both beautiful and painful It's a question of balance once again, I think.

Agreed, and sometimes i think the beauty isn’t possible without the pain. Just one inherent paradox of being alive. 

I may have remembered wrong but think I read somewhere else that you are not officially diagnosed? Is a diagnosis something you would think about pursuing … your last paragraph makes it sound like a diagnosis might make it easier to really seek out what’s beneficial in life? Of course it’s a very personal choice though and I know people can find validation and comfort just as much in a self identification process….

That's true. We often get steered into what’s seen as ‘normal’ relationships before we even figure out what we actually want. To some extent, this reflects the interests of those in power, as it helps maintain the status quo. Much of business relies on the traditional family setup, and any major societal shifts could potentially threaten and destabilize the financial foundations of such enterprises. Think of the millions made from having kids, going on holiday, buying school supplies, baby and toddler items, car insurance, house insurance - medical insurance - the list goes on and on.  And yes, society is gradually changing, so what might be a good business today could be driven by different trends in the future - who knows?

Look at the boom in personal computers and smartphones. Nowadays, kids expect their parents to supply these items at a young age, making it just another thing to add to the list. Then there's fashion - but I won’t go on, since I’ve made my point.

I hope to find happiness, but so far I haven’t, and I’m not feeling optimistic, sorry to say. Still, thank you anyway.
.

I think there are certain pressures that make people think they have to have a typical relationship, where as companionship is actually what some people want more, and then there are those that don't need anyone at all, and just saying hi to the postman is enough. 

I'm having to support my theories with fiction, but I'm sure there are stories with say 2 sisters that have never married just living together all their lives, or like you parents and children, or sometimes it's siblings where one has a traditional family and then an aunt or uncle live with them. 

There is a growing trend in Japan in the young to be asexual -I think friendship means more to them then physical relationships. 

When you have a loss in whatever you do have, it can really be destabilising. It can take quite a long while to work out moving on from or and what that might even look like. 

I hope you can be happy in whatever that is for you.

Well, yes, I guess the development of merchandising, not only in cinemas but throughout society in general, has changed the environment in theatres from what it was decades ago. And as younger generations are born into it, it becomes accepted as "normal." As you said, a lot of this originated in the US and gets adopted over here.

Of course, what makes it worse, particularly for people with sensory issues, is the enhanced 'experience' of going to the cinema, like the extremely loud ultra surround sound (or whatever it's called), which is meant to add to the general excitement. I get this, because people, especially the young, look for exciting outlets – I did when I was a teenager. It does mean, of course those who have autistic traits need to be careful what they experience.

To be honest, when my mom was alive, I can’t say I yearned for a girlfriend. Naturally, I had the usual sexual impulses, but I didn’t really want a romantic relationship. It's only now that she's gone that I feel a sense of isolation I've never experienced before, especially when I'm alone in the house, which is often since my brother is either at work or at his girlfriend's place.

I mean, to be honest, I don't really know whether I could actually sustain a close relationship with a woman as I've never had one before. Maybe I could, especially now that I’m on my own, but I wonder. It might just be a case of wanting something I don’t have, only to find once I get it that it’s not as wonderful as I imagined. They say you should be careful what you wish for, and there’s probably a lot of truth in that.

I guess Shakespeare also meant that even when you suffer a loss, you still have the memory of something that was once wonderful. Memories can be both beautiful and painful It's a question of balance once again, I think.

Yes, you're right about knowing yourself, because unless you do, you'll never be in a position to tailor your life to reflect what is most beneficial to you. And this, of course, is why it's so important to get diagnosed if you truly believe you are on the Spectrum.