Friends

SunshineDrive,

It's easy to make online friends because you don't have to work hard at finding things in common through small talk. If you join a group that shares your interests, you can just exchange posts without worrying about non-verbal communication. Basically, there's no tension.

When you’re in the company of a very attractive woman, it can be tough not to feel a little overwhelmed, get tongue-tied, and start looking for any hint of rejection. It becomes a bit of a spiral. Even if you tell yourself you just want to be friendly, the sexual tension is hard to ignore, and it naturally amplifies everything.

The nearest I got to having a girlfriend was when I belonged to a chat group and became friendly with a woman who lived in East Africa, having emigrated there from an abusive partner in Belgium. She was a lovely person, but I’m afraid that after we agreed to meet in London, I simply didn’t fancy her. It was a pity, as she was determined to form a loving relationship with me, and I’m embarrassed to admit she must have felt really let down and went back to Africa. That is the danger of online relationships - you can never really see who it is you are talking to.

Making friends, whether with guys or girls, feels almost impossible for me since I hardly ever socialize. It’s like a “catch-22” - I don’t have anyone to hang out with, so I never end up meeting anyone new to hang out with.I've never been much for socializing and often enjoy my own company, but taken too far, it can leave you feeling lonely and unloved, wishing you had formed some kind of personal relationship, especially after close family members have passed on.

Even going to the cinema annoys me these days because of people eating crisps, talking, and all the other various noises you hear now. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t remember having this problem when I was younger, as I think people were better behaved back then. Also, as one ages one tends to want to a quiet life and not rush about so much. 

When my mom passed away several years ago, I felt completely adrift, as she had been my emotional anchor and might even have been the reason I never formed a relationship with another woman. I’m not entirely sure.

To be perfectly honest, I can’t really say I know I’m on the spectrum, as I’ve never been tested, but I definitely feel a strong connection with people who post here (or maybe that’s just wishful thinking). It might be that I’m looking for some kind of label to explain the way I am, and for all I know my problems could lie elsewhere. I don’t know - I’m no psychologist.

I definitely had a terrible time with noise when I worked (retired now) for a few years when our environment changed, and we were expected to work, at least partly, in a noisy and scruffy area. This triggered panic attacks for me and, from that day on, made going into work a nightmare, as I was never sure whether I’d be required to stay in that place. To this day, it has left me with noise sensitivity, especially when staying in a hospital, to the point that I have to take noise-canceling headphones with me. I still reckon I have PTSD from that experience.

Anyway, sorry if I’m boring you, SunshineDrive, but I just want you to know you’re not alone. My advice, as a 76-year-old, is not to waste years without at least trying to make friends, because one day you might find yourself wondering where all that time went!

BTW, this is definitely not AI-generated; it's all me!

I read that you can now access autism friendly screenings in cinemas - and I quite liked that idea. I had presumed it would be that talking and food (and all its associated smells and masticating noises) and drinks are all banned and maybe the volume of the film turned down slightly. However when I looked into it was that the lights are turned up (i really don’t understand why) and everyone can make as much noise as they like and move about. Eating and drinking is still allowed. They do get rid of the trailers (which I would appreciate) and turn the film down (only of use to me if people aren’t talking). 

I guess this may suit some autistic people who have vocal stims and need lots of very broad movement for regulation but I was left feeling I would be better off in the regular screenings which are at least dark. 

It would be good if they did two types of screening, one for people who need to move around and make noise, and one quieter with no food noises.  I wonder if that exists anywhere?

Yeah, you can hope! Sometimes going to see a film right at the end of its run can be good, as then they might have moved it to a smaller screen, and there's hardly anyone there, so you get lots of space and relatively quiet. 

I also got an email from my local library, and I was hoping to add they can be a good place to go for quiet groups. My local one is doing loads to try and get people to use them, so they have the usual book groups, bits also knitting groups, groups that do puzzles or just having a chat. It sounds lovely, and on during the day so might suit retired people better, those looking for somewhere to go and say hello to regulars. 

When my kids were little, I found it was a great way to get out -I'd go to groups and as I'd go every week, your become a familiar face and gradually get to know people rather than having to make friends instantly. 

If it sounds scary, you could make a thread where your document going and we could give you moral support, as it is scary doing different things! 

And so lovely to hear your voice coming through, it's really brightened up my evening a lot and brought a tear to my eye! 

Yeah, you can hope! Sometimes going to see a film right at the end of its run can be good, as then they might have moved it to a smaller screen, and there's hardly anyone there, so you get lots of space and relatively quiet. 

I also got an email from my local library, and I was hoping to add they can be a good place to go for quiet groups. My local one is doing loads to try and get people to use them, so they have the usual book groups, bits also knitting groups, groups that do puzzles or just having a chat. It sounds lovely, and on during the day so might suit retired people better, those looking for somewhere to go and say hello to regulars. 

When my kids were little, I found it was a great way to get out -I'd go to groups and as I'd go every week, your become a familiar face and gradually get to know people rather than having to make friends instantly. 

If it sounds scary, you could make a thread where your document going and we could give you moral support, as it is scary doing different things! 

And so lovely to hear your voice coming through, it's really brightened up my evening a lot and brought a tear to my eye!