My 47Y/O Female wife

She has every right to be in control of her own medication and illness - if anything perhaps she has hypercondria and hopefully she’s taking some medical advice for this or you have asked the doctor about this. Not sure how she gets hold of antibiotics without a GP. I really can’t imagine the police saying that someone threatening to kill themselves was coercive control (unless you’re missing a lot more detail in this story) they would be opening themselves up to prosecution making statements like that especially if she actually does. If she needs to go to bed she’s likely suffering from burnout and not being understood. 

She has every right to be in control of her own medication? So she should be able to order prescription meds from Superdrug online or when she demands antidepressants but won’t take it at the dosage given to her by the gp. She’s had loads of support from all sides but is so focused on symptoms.

Also correctly this behaviour has been going on 5 years so of course this isn’t isolated incident, she gets antibiotics because she describes symptoms of an infection and they give her them.

At the moment there seems to be no downside to her behaviour, as in no consequences .

She needs to regulate herself first.

If she can't or won't then this is not solvable. You can't regulate other people, it leads to  hyper vigilance, burnout, dysfunction (dependency) and trauma if not careful (as I know).

I would still try the doctor together and give it time to see if she will work with you now she has the diagnosis and explores everything including your relationship together. Personally I think it would be better for your kids to see you both working together to create a solution…. If she won’t engage then there’s not much you can do after that. Talking to your counsellor friend hopefully will help think of a way to communicate with her in which she will work with you 

Yeah it’s sounding worse now like you do need more support…. And you don’t need your cupboards throwing all over the place. I don’t know if you have asked her (maybe you wrote it earlier and I’ve missed it) but I think try and get her to go to the doctors with you together and see if there is some sort of counselling you can do as a couple in relation to also the new diagnosis. I’m not sure why she has done that with the clothes maybe the doctor will find out 

The go to is just stupid things like tipping clothes are over or the shoe cupboard or throwing stuff, all of that I can deal with, having our sons scared and used I can’t 

For instance if i am having a meltdown it means I probably don’t go to the party because there’s too much going on or there’s too much conflict amongst other people but if I have a meltdown it’s silent and I just remove myself or I tell everybody I’m not prepared to deal with them and their control so don’t speak to me 

Ok now you’re adding the detail that makes it more scary (you didn’t need to) but if they’re empty threats (she hasn’t done anything physical before or during) then there is still time to not write her off from life. It’s hard when kids are involved and especially if she’s starting to use them against you - that’s where I loose support for somebody. Meltdown is a broad term and it doesn’t automatically mean I or anybody knows that , that is what it looks like or means for you.  
you absolutely should not ignore your children.

I know you haven’t. I’m concerned about people responding and reinforcing the negative when you’re in a vulnerable place over seeking correct support - I know you haven’t mentioned the NHS haven’t been particularly supportive to you and I think you should book an appointment for yourself. You’re right in what you said later on about her ordering the medication and the detail you listed about trying to stop her - fully support you there. I’m not expecting you to provide deep detail - I just thought people jumped in too heavy too soon with minimal detail about why this woman who is clearly suffering (your whole family is with this situation) about why she is wrong and to suggest you have no future and there is no work through for this. There may be elements of coercive control but the police won’t prosecute somebody on that alone and especially as a first time offender - they will want to try to do the best for your family and they might try to provide you with more information to be able to provide a workable solution before it gets to that stage. It’s difficult if you feel like everybody is against you - I would rather see you all pulled out of this sticky place which has gone on for a while. 20 years is a long time and there is a lot to explore here especially if either of you don’t know how to explore you’re difficulties (we’re not all psychologists) and find a better future for all of you without any extremes 

Honestly at no point have I said it’s her fault but should I put me and my children through this when she leads me to believe I am a horrible human being for not being able to cope.

My eldest is bisexual(not that it makes any difference at all) but they have told me they can’t hope with her anger, threats to let my sons dog out on the streets, to smash my tv or she’s going to go tell social services stuff because if she can’t be with the kids I don’t deserve to either, literally I told you my sons self harmed because they told me it was because of her meltdowns yet you still try to say look elsewhere, should I ignore my children then?

Yeah I know you didn’t say you were going to prosecute her. it’s more the other people reinforcing the coercive control and worst outcome scenarios with little information 

No it does not make it less scary but I’m not sure what the scary factor is, so far you have described her being suicidal and telling you that. I haven’t read anything further and being suicidal is scary yes but is it the same scary as her being an evil person - I don’t know. (Can’t think of anything else) I was just saying she needs HELP. There’s nothing to say your children aren’t self harming (which is so awful I’m so sorry to hear about that) because of other reasons maybe they’re dealing with their sexuality, bullying etc etc many other things teenagers deal with but to tell you to get out and do not take a chance on minimal information on a forum of people who are here for mental health support mostly (which you don’t need to share) I don’t think it helpful personally. I’m just saying there are better solutions for everybody hopefully 

Not once did I say I was prosecuting anyone,

quite the opposite actually but her behaviour is scaring our sons, I reassure them but does that make it less scary?

It’s good that your trusted friend is a councillor so hopefully they will actually be able to give you some sound advice on the situation particularly if they know your wife and your problems more in depth 

Who is prosecuting anyone?

I haven’t made any assumptions about you whatsoever ever, I’m simply saying I hope nobody says this about you in regards to your diagnosis as in this woman also has a diagnosis - not to give you a chance. When I was splitting up with my ex I got these comments saying he’s unstable he might kill you blah blah no he’s not and no he’s not going to kill me and it’s this kind of instigation of moral panic that makes things worse.
I can identify that this man is struggling but he needs to get support to do things properly not just prosecute somebody for poor mental health: it’s unhelpful and when people are struggling with their own mental health as a result of the situation that they are in I don’t believe it is reasonable to reinforce that narrative 

for your convenience I have flagged this post to a moderator. I hope they have time to read all of the comments.

FWIW It seems like you have made some incredibly inaccurate assumptions about me.

I’m not saying that there is a side and I’m not saying that the problem isn’t larger than you are describing I’m just trying to point you in a more healthy direction than online bitter people who will push you into the wrong place just for their own pleasure, when your own mental health won’t be in the right place while you are dealing with this too. I think it’s important to remember that people can be biased and when something is feeling heavy in the moment it might not be that way next month once this has calmed down and the last thing you need is people clubbing together to reinforce the negativity in your mind. Take a break, breathe and try to handle it with the correct channels and hopefully they will give you both some advice on how to deal with autistic challenges and if you can recognise any of these in your own life maybe this will help or at least it will be a start to separating if that’s what you really need.

I’m not saying that there is a side and I’m not saying that the problem isn’t larger than you are describing I’m just trying to point you in a more healthy direction than online bitter people who will push you into the wrong place just for their own pleasure, when your own mental health won’t be in the right place while you are dealing with this too. I think it’s important to remember that people can be biased and when something is feeling heavy in the moment it might not be that way next month once this has calmed down and the last thing you need is people clubbing together to reinforce the negativity in your mind. Take a break, breathe and try to handle it with the correct channels and hopefully they will give you both some advice on how to deal with autistic challenges and if you can recognise any of these in your own life maybe this will help or at least it will be a start to separating if that’s what you really need.