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My 47Y/O Female wife

NAS73364

Just wondered as I feel so lost currently, in my home I have 3 sons 20/19/14 all are Autistic/ADHD but 20YO not had formal diagnosis. Around 11 years ago when my 19 YO was diagnosed I started to see similarities in my wife’s behaviour, I brought this up with GP as she was always a bit insecure and nervous and struggled a little with illness, when Covid hit and she started Perimenopause she became fixated on illness, she’d been put on antidepressants 20 years ago but suddenly she was blaming everything on side effects of different tablets and withdrawals.

What is especially difficult as she was diagnosed ASD/ADHD 6 months ago and for 5 years it’s been spells shutdown in bed, she has got to be in control so chooses her own medication, orders antibiotics because she believes she is ill, stockpiling them next to her bed. She threatens to end herself if I don’t listen, Police got called by our kids scared of her meltdown and they said it was coercive control but I didn’t press charges as she’s not doing it on purpose. Sorry if this is too long but GP’s and Psychiatrist will only listen to her and I’m exhausted.

Parents

  • It must be very frightening not to say exhausting to be in this situation for you, but also for your wife. It sounds as if you both feel not to be heard by the other. 

    When parents are coping with a child with this sort of threat Non Violent Resistance parenting courses can be very helpful as these work with the parent who is the person willing to engage. These courses give techniques which can be used in many other relationships. As with any psychological intervention they do not always take into account the differences in meaning and communication caused by neurodivergence unless facilitators understand this or if the parents have a good understanding of neurodiversity and neurodivergence. I would suggest that you make sure you do have the best understanding of these things, maybe from taking the NAS modules or maybe using the Future learn courses on understanding ADHD and autism and also joining an NVR course to learn how to show you are hearing her meaning but also to assert your rights to certain boundaries for your own safety and that of your children.

    Her behaviour sounds to constitute emotional abuse, even if this is unintentional, at the very least and your children should be protected from this as their safety has to be the number one priority. At the same time she and you need help so that this situation can have a happier solution.

    Sorry this is so long and maybe too directive, I have to declare an interest as I assist at NVR courses local to me to provide a neurodivergent perspective to help parents to understand when a "won't do" is actually a "can't do" and I am very biased towards NVR. You might find more information about this to see if you think it could be relevant to you and your situation.

    Whatever you do there is a need for help for you all. Just my opinion, and I only know what you have posted about your situation, you are the expert on that.

  • in reply to NAS39446

    Biggest issue is she doesn’t know what it means to be autistic, it’s easy for her to say to me I’m nasty ending our relationship when it’s not her fault she is autistic but she doesn’t engage and has had lots of support but always fails, i understand her autism but she has no interest in learning even, 600 Internet searches in a week about side effects of meds l, withdrawals, I bought her a lucozade because she’d been a little unwell and she even googled side effects of that, even when the gp says it’s not the tablets causing issues she stops them because she’s in control.

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  • in reply to NAS39446

    Biggest issue is she doesn’t know what it means to be autistic, it’s easy for her to say to me I’m nasty ending our relationship when it’s not her fault she is autistic but she doesn’t engage and has had lots of support but always fails, i understand her autism but she has no interest in learning even, 600 Internet searches in a week about side effects of meds l, withdrawals, I bought her a lucozade because she’d been a little unwell and she even googled side effects of that, even when the gp says it’s not the tablets causing issues she stops them because she’s in control.

Children
  • in reply to NAS73364

    I posted because I get told I am a nasty horrible person and should do more but I’ve done everything I can think of and nothings working, I’ve tried leaving relationship but I get slandered on Facebook or stuff sent to the kids causing more distress. I just wanted to be 100% sure I’d not overlooked anything but I cannot put one person first because they have autism and ignore the suffering happening to 3 young autistic people in a situation they have no control over.